More Serious Solutions for Serious Problems

My solutions for immigration worked so well, that I thought I would grace the world with 10 Ways to Solve the Iraq War:

1. Raid the drug stash of Al Gore III to provide migraine relief during floor debate.

2. Put together the Shi'a-Sunni Invitational Hosted by Tiger Woods in Baghdad. Golf seems to distract the hell out of everyone.

3. Throw a Harry Potter release party in Iraq. There's nothing ultra religious insurgents love more than tales of a boy wizard! Well, maybe not nothing.

4. To determine the withdrawal timetable, tape a calendar to Harry Reid's back and play "Pin the Tail on the Jackass."

5. Make everyone watch Aladdin. Yes, I know that it takes place in Saudi Arabia, an entirely different country (allegedly), but nothing gets the creativity flowing like Middle Eastern stereotypes as imagined by Disney.

6. Hire prostitutes as pages for the week. Apparently, there's a Congressman or two that could recommend some good ones.

7. Put the troops on the magical bus that took all the illegal immigrants back to Mexico last month. Oh, wait.

8. Promise a cage match between Madam Speaker and Cindy Sheehan on the House floor as an incentive for successful legislation. Do not forget to have medical professionals on call.

9. Distribute an edited version of Transformers entitled The Americans' New Weapons among insurgents in Iraq.

10. Tell John McCain to sit a few innings out, champ.

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Serious Solutions for a Very Serious Problem

I've worked out ten ways to both get the immigration bill passed and solve our immigration problems:

1. Avoid any and all close ups on John McCain and Ted Kennedy's faces.

2. Serve Coronas (with lime) during the Senate floor debate.

3. Send Angelina Jolie some fliers about the, you know, egregious atrocities and violations of the human spirit that these illegal immigrants suffer through silently or whatever. She'll adopt 'em.

4. Annex Mexico. After all, James K. Polk tried to do it and the eight people who know that he was president seem to like him. And after all, that's how we got the Mormons.

5. Speaking of the Mormons, send Donny Osmond down to the border. "Let's Get Down to BUSINESSSSSS. To Defeat. The HUNSSSSSSS."

6. Next, toss Donny in the Rio Grande. I hate the Osmonds.

7. Alternatively, blast Lil' Mama's "Lipgloss," Avril Lavigne's "Boyfriend," and the Lil' Mama remix of Avril Lavigne's "Boyfriend" on a constant loop at the border. This will ward away any illegal border activity. It will probably also extinguish all human life within a ten mile radius of the border.

8. House and employ the illegal immigrants at John Edwards's mansion.

9. Paris Hilton can and will be sent back to jail during the vote on the bill. Remind all amnesty-favorin', home-state-press-fearin' Republicans of this.

10. Blame Dick Cheney. For everything. Everybody else is doing it.

I think it will work because...MY LIP GLOSS IS POPPIN' MY LIP GLOSS IS COOL.

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