Liveblog: The 427th Democratic Debate

8:01- The candidates' heads float through a hall at Dartmouth University. It’s like Hogwarts!

8:02- It seems that BarriO was against the war back in 2002. It feels like I’ve heard this before, but I’m just not sure. Oh, cruel memory. Apparently, 2013 is four years from now.

8:04- Hillz is dressed like a ray of hazy, globally warmed sun. Hair looks pretty good, though.

8:06- January 2009 has come up about fifty-two times already. I will be turning 21 then. Anime John [insert shameless self-promotion...NOW] says something about Hillz; cut to her writing out the following to do list:
“1. Invest in pantsuit not made out of The Price Is Right set carpet.
2. Fire stylist #153
3. Call Clemenza re: Edwards”

8:09- JEEZ. Bill Richardson says something to the extent of “We must remove all troops” and the camera pans out to where BarriO’s staring at Bill like the reaper does. Yes, I've looked death in the face. I then slapped it.

8:12- Superfluous Chris Dodd has a nice blue shirt on tonight. That’s his main contribution for the evening.

8:16- The backdrop on this stage is a neon surrealist flag that split up so there are black bars where each candidate is. It’s both fabulous and fatalistic. Like "Xanadu."

8:18- Gravel flips out about Iran, calling out Hillz and BarriO. He pronounces Iran like EYE-RAN rather than EAR-RON. If I didn’t already dislike Gravel, that would probably do it.

8:19- I’m not gonna lie. I kind of like how much of a frosty ice queen Hillary Clinton is. I mean, bitch crazy. It’s pretty fantastic. Gravel calls her a whore for voting for Lieberman’s Iran resolution today, and she laughs.

8:23- We’re talking about North Korea and Syria now? Whatever. BarriO’s back—I’d sort of forgotten about him.

8:26- I will give credit where credit is due. I like Anime John’s tie. Anime John: “I have no intention of giving George W. Bush any authority to start another war.” Not a problem, John, you’re not a senator anymore.

8:31- What illegal immigrants are at Dartmouth? Rogue Mounties? Robin Sparkles?

8:33- This manly Allison newswoman is kind of hateful. I get the politics of it but still: if you’re going to trash George W. on Iraq, then you have to give him credit on trying to get the immigration bill passed.

8:41- Vector Vest? Who the hell named that?

8:43- “Certainly we all like and respect Hillary” …and she will kill us all with her terrible, terrible eyes!

8:45- Tim has gotten nasty here since the commercial break. And stupid. Hillz does not like it when people say she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

8:47- “I regret that and so did the late Senator Chafee” …but he’s dead now, so I can now use his plan and he can’t say anything about it.

8:49- Apparently this segment is “Tim Russert Will Now Ask You About Anything Nasty You’ve Ever Said About Hillary Clinton.”

8:55- Kucinich let Cleveland go bankrupt. Those people can’t get a break up there. The BCS Championship game, Drew Carey, Romeo Crennel, probably the worst NBA Finals performances ever, it just goes on and on. I mean, I won’t be surprised if Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia’s arms fall off tomorrow.

8:59- Hateful Allison—from, I kid you not, “New England Cable News”—is like the stereotypical Northeastern snippy elitist.

9:10- Hillz wants to talk about fiscal responsibility!

9:12- Tim Russert looks a lot like the human Peter Griffith.

9:14- Everyone pussyfoots around saying that they hate old people and their demands for the blood of the today’s youth. Don’t you ever forget that the AARP owns your soul and will trade you away like a cheap, cheap hooker for the blue plate special at Denny’s and a discount on tires.

9:18- So, Kooch bankrupted Cleveland. Kooch wants to lower the retirement age back to 65. Will somebody just give him a pat on the head and send him home?

9:25- Hateful Allison: “Would you remove the federal drinking age?” Dartmouth students cheer, which is ridiculous because they’re at college with free alcohol, out on, like, a farm in New Hampshire. Nobody cares, Dartmouth.

9:27- It’s National Alpaca Farm Day both September 29 and September 30!

9:33- BarriO wants to end the “divisive politics” in this country, except he says it like “divissssiv.”

9:37- Chris Dodd has daughters aged six and two? If we’re being honest, I look like I’m about sixteen. I still more look age appropriate to have children aged six and two than Chris Dodd.

9:42- Kooch says something about oil dependency and the camera pans out so we get a fantastic shot of Hillz giving him a face, a picture of which is next to the definition of “Deadpan” in the dictionary.

9:47- Tim: “That scenario was laid out by William Jefferson Clinton”
Hillz: “Well, he’s not standing here tonight.” Good line, ma’am.

9:55- Anime John stomps around:
9:54:42 PM kmarsmill: he's come off a lot better tonight than last time
9:54:52 PM kmarsmill: much less angry, much more sympathetic
9:55:03 PM doogmanpga: heh
9:55:05 PM doogmanpga: there goes that
9:55:10 PM kmarsmill: it's like my magic touch

9:56- BarriO’s favorite Bible verse is apparently one he’s making up right now.

9:57- Hillz’s favorite: the Golden Rule. “A good one for life and for politics.” HA. I love that bitch.

9:58- Most important issue of the night. No, really. This is the most interested I’ve been.
Richardson: BoSox
Kooch: Indians
Hillz: Yanks unless the Cubs make the World Series then the “apocalypse is coming”
Gravel: BoSox
Dodd: BoSox
BarriO: ChiSox (sounds like an omen, Barrack)
Biden, awesomely: “I grew up with a grandfather who said if you weren’t a Yankees fan, you didn’t eat. Yankees.”

Katherine: Yankees and Phillies (…maybe the Rockies if they make it, the pitching holds up, and Matt Holliday continues to channel, like, the entire HOF. That would be weirder than Kooch being president, though...so, the Phillies. Rah Jimmy Rollins).

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Ronald Reagan! in Reagan and The Night of the Prius!

Watch as Ronald Reagan! takes on La Madame, Tits Magee, an anime John Edwards and fights the DNC Hall of Doom's plan to make us all drive Priuses. Yes, Priuses. Also, get prepared for the preppy Elephanteers and the obligatory "White People All Look the Same" joke. It's a full length comic and it is prepared to do things that few comics have done before.

See it here. The comic was written and drawn by me, using Adobe Illustrator for the September 2007 issue of the Vanderbilt Torch.

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More Serious Solutions for Serious Problems

My solutions for immigration worked so well, that I thought I would grace the world with 10 Ways to Solve the Iraq War:

1. Raid the drug stash of Al Gore III to provide migraine relief during floor debate.

2. Put together the Shi'a-Sunni Invitational Hosted by Tiger Woods in Baghdad. Golf seems to distract the hell out of everyone.

3. Throw a Harry Potter release party in Iraq. There's nothing ultra religious insurgents love more than tales of a boy wizard! Well, maybe not nothing.

4. To determine the withdrawal timetable, tape a calendar to Harry Reid's back and play "Pin the Tail on the Jackass."

5. Make everyone watch Aladdin. Yes, I know that it takes place in Saudi Arabia, an entirely different country (allegedly), but nothing gets the creativity flowing like Middle Eastern stereotypes as imagined by Disney.

6. Hire prostitutes as pages for the week. Apparently, there's a Congressman or two that could recommend some good ones.

7. Put the troops on the magical bus that took all the illegal immigrants back to Mexico last month. Oh, wait.

8. Promise a cage match between Madam Speaker and Cindy Sheehan on the House floor as an incentive for successful legislation. Do not forget to have medical professionals on call.

9. Distribute an edited version of Transformers entitled The Americans' New Weapons among insurgents in Iraq.

10. Tell John McCain to sit a few innings out, champ.

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Serious Solutions for a Very Serious Problem

I've worked out ten ways to both get the immigration bill passed and solve our immigration problems:

1. Avoid any and all close ups on John McCain and Ted Kennedy's faces.

2. Serve Coronas (with lime) during the Senate floor debate.

3. Send Angelina Jolie some fliers about the, you know, egregious atrocities and violations of the human spirit that these illegal immigrants suffer through silently or whatever. She'll adopt 'em.

4. Annex Mexico. After all, James K. Polk tried to do it and the eight people who know that he was president seem to like him. And after all, that's how we got the Mormons.

5. Speaking of the Mormons, send Donny Osmond down to the border. "Let's Get Down to BUSINESSSSSS. To Defeat. The HUNSSSSSSS."

6. Next, toss Donny in the Rio Grande. I hate the Osmonds.

7. Alternatively, blast Lil' Mama's "Lipgloss," Avril Lavigne's "Boyfriend," and the Lil' Mama remix of Avril Lavigne's "Boyfriend" on a constant loop at the border. This will ward away any illegal border activity. It will probably also extinguish all human life within a ten mile radius of the border.

8. House and employ the illegal immigrants at John Edwards's mansion.

9. Paris Hilton can and will be sent back to jail during the vote on the bill. Remind all amnesty-favorin', home-state-press-fearin' Republicans of this.

10. Blame Dick Cheney. For everything. Everybody else is doing it.

I think it will work because...MY LIP GLOSS IS POPPIN' MY LIP GLOSS IS COOL.

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LIVEBLOG: GOP Debate 3

7:02- Tommy Thompson needs to stop with the hair dye. Like, tonight.

7:03- Oh, Mitt Romney. I'm not ashamed to say that I think you're hot. Rudy Giuliani: "I'm Rudy Giuliani and your state's motto 'Live Free or Die' is a good one for our time.'" That's why, slowly but surely, I have become pro-Giuliani.

7:07- Mitt's tie is blue. And dreamy. Rudy Giuliani is wearing the power tie. McCain's got, like, a candy-cane tie on with red and extremely pale blue. Brownback has a pale lime green tie on- take it back to Vineyard Vines, there champ.

7:09- Dinner!

7:20- Okay, back. Jim Gilmore should just go home. He sounds a bit like Foghorn Leghorn, admittedly not as much as ol' Fred Thompson the Looming Spector of the Christian Right.

7:23- It's Immigration Time. Tancredo rightly recognizes that dark phantom of the night, that ghastly terror, that creeping destroyer of everything that we hold dear in this life and in the sweet, sweet hereafter: BILINGUALISM. Calm down there, Kipling.

7:33- Sam clarifies that he's been in Congress for a long time. Thanks, Sam, for correcting the immigration problem. Tommy Thompson's face fascinates me in a way that I cannot fully comprehend. It's a bit like Jack Nicholson's face in the first Tim Burton Batman movie.

7:37- McCain is FRIENDS with that devil BILINGUALISM.

7:38- "We don't know what Fred Thompson is either." Other than the Manhattan DA who sounds a lot like Foghorn Leghorn. "I cut taxes for the people of Virginia"...and increased the spending! And threw the budget out the window! Go home, Jim.

7:44- CNN is having all kinds of problems with the sound here. There's like little buzzers going off and volume changes and snaps and crackles and pops.

7:46- Religious Crusades. Rudy? Still a heathen pluralist. Mitt? Still Mormon. Brownback squints at us about our universe's God.

7:50- Giuliani agrees with scientists on global warming, sees it as it as an issue of national security both with climate change and terrorist funding, and proposes an Apollo-type, bipartisan project for global warming/energy reform solutions. Mitt agrees.

7:53- Take Ron Paul away. The stutter is w-w-way totoo much for m-m-me. In fact, take everybody away except for Mitt, Rudy, McCain, and possibly Huckabee.

7:57- Gays in the military: Ron Paul loves individuals. Huckabee dances around the fact that he totally doesn't like gays. Rudy dances around the fact that he totally likes gays. Mitt dances around the fact that he changes his mind on everything. McCain doesn't dance.

8:00- What would you do with George W. Bush? It would have been ill-advised to ask this question last night. "BURN HIM!" "THE PLAGUE!" "PIT OF LIONS!" "PIT OF GAYS!" and so on. Tommy Thompson wouldn't send him to the UN. Heh. (Okay, Tom-Tom, that was funny, but, still, go home). Tancredo gets pissy about Karl Rove.

8:04- Huckabee is very honest and self-effacing about the loss of credibility of the GOP. Brownback wishes his accent sounded like that.

8:08- It's halftime in New Hampshire. The Skeletor, or "Larry King," suddenly appears on my television screen, I lose my sight for a few moments.

8:15- Damn, the debate cuts right to the freaking chase with an extremely pretty lady in her twenties named Erin Flanagan whose brother died in Iraq eight days before he was supposed to come home. McCain hops up, calls Erin ma'am, and admits that the war was mismanaged.

8:19- Giuliani can hop too, John.

8:23- "Can a conservative platform coexist with a conservationist platform?" Gov. Gilmore: No, let me talk about something else.

8:28- Discussion about health care makes my eyes bleed, thus necessitating health care. It is a vicious cycle.

8:32- "What is the most pressing moral question facing us today?" Huckabee says that pro-lifers haven't extended out their love of life to all people, especially homeless children and old people. Rudy, citing RONALD REAGAN, says that spreading American ideals is the biggest moral obligation we have. Brownback runs out to slap Giuliani around over pro-life. GO HOME, SAM.

8:39- Some lame ass twentysomething asks Mitt about flip-flopping, but he says it like "flipppp-flopppinnngg" with this little smarmy grin. A girl with geeky glasses looks on all "I would totally tap that" as Mitt tries to anounce his love of immigrants. Jesus, Tancredo, ALMOST ALL OF EUROPE IS BILINGUAL. IT HASN'T BURNED DOWN YET. CHINA, RUSSIA, CANADA, THE UNITED STATES! BILINGUAL. McCain: "Muchas gracias, Congressman." Oh, sir, you deserve a hearty handshake and a pat on the back. He gives a stirring testiment to the immigrants of this nation and the Hispanic-Americans who live, work, and fight for the country.

8:45- George W. Bush's They let McCain get on a bit of a roll, there. He promises to veto any pork-barrel spending. Tancredo sounds like he's in the eighth grade giving a presentation off note cards that the girl who sits next to him made last night and practically threw at him with an exasperated sigh and an eyeroll.

8:50- STOP ASKING TANCREDO QUESTIONS ABOUT IMMIGRANTS. Rudy cites Abraham Lincoln, because he is a pimp, basically saying that to be an American is to love and believe in freedom.

8:57- Duncan of the Comb-Over trashes moderates after a woman who's from Hollis (can't think of anyone being from Hollis without thinking of "Christmas in Hollis") asks how the GOP can appeal to moderates. Romney gets very chatty; Giuliani capitalizes on it by saying "Well, ma'am, the answer to your question is to nominate me." Ha! Well, that wraps it up. Time to watch Dirty Dancing.

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