Running Commentary as it appeared in the Vanderbilt Torch Feb. 2007
8:00- Katie Couric sits in front of the Capital Dome. Aw, I miss home. Basically all Katie has to contribute is: “The Democrats control Congress now. Nancy Pelosi is a WOMAN. Just like ME!”
8:02- Why is Bob Schieffer wearing a purple tie?
8:05- Congress. Wow, there are a lot of WOMEN wearing really ugly clothes. One step forward, two steps back, I guess.
8:05-8:08- Congressmen (and WOMEN!) mill around and exchange pleasantries. I amuse myself by imagining that they're gossiping about each other and telling dirty jokes.
8:09- Jeez, Katie. We know, okay. The Democrats control Congress now. For the twelfth time, we've got it. We voted.
8:10- The House Sergeant of Arms introduces the President. There's a girl on my hall who should look into yelling loudly as a career path.
8:13- Were you aware that Nancy Pelosi is a WOMAN?
8:14- “President Bush is expected to speak for 45 to 50 minutes.” Ugh, are you serious, Katie? I weep a little.
8:14- Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi stand together-together forever. At last, love has come along, lonely days are over, and life is like a song.
8:15- Nancy Pelosi is still a WOMAN. She's also “the Madam Speaker.” Well, well, well. Nancy is now the Madam. At least she's well dressed.
8:18- President Bush informs us that we are now in the 41st month of job growth, but says 41st like he's a contestant on The Price is Right. “Forty…first?”
8:20- President Bush is going to balance the federal budget and eliminate the deficit by 2009. Hot damn! The Madam leaps up to applaud; I do as well and then collapse in disbelief. The day that happens is the day Hillary Clinton's heart grows three sizes.
8:22- No more earmarks! John McCain and his yellow tie wink.
8:24- Hilarious shot of the joint chiefs not applauding No Child Left Behind.
8:25- Hillary! She's The Other Woman. Barrack Obama is sitting in front of her. Little does he know, The Other Woman will attempt to strangle his presidential aspirations with her giant necklace.
8:26- Bush plays math games with my mind that I don't like.
8:28- Medical liability reform! Vandy pre-meds, get excited. Maybe you won't someday suffer a debilitating malpractice suit. Or maybe not, some old congressman just giggled to himself at the mere thought of reform.
8:29- Chertoff's looking a little bit like the old, sketchy butler who would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids.
8:30- Hillary's fun because she never claps. Bush says that “the ditches run deep.” I mishear him at first and think that it is absurdly relevant to what I am currently writing about The Other Woman.
8:31- Comprehensive Immigration Reform! The Madam and I jump up to clap.
8:32- Bush would like to reduce gasoline consumption by 20-percent in the next ten years. Cheney smirks and winks. Well, that's totally not happening.
8:34- We face “the serious challenge of global climate change.” Whoa. Bush actually admitted global warming exists.
8:36- You know where there isn't a WOMAN? The Justice League. Unless you count Ginsberg, but that's sort of debatable, and she's not here anyway so she doesn't count.
8:40- The terrorists are still evil. This is followed by a good shot of Obama and The Other Woman. Her expression hasn't changed all night. She must be drafting her first State of the Union Address.
8:41- John Warner looks old and surly. Oh, Virginia. I miss you.
8:42- Good Lord! Condi looks like she is going to go kill some terrorists herself. Like, tonight.
8:45-8:51- Stuff about that war we're fighting is covered. Dick and the Madam look displeased. Why won't CBS shoot over to The Other Woman for a second? Why, CBS, why?
8:55- Oh, Madam, why you golf clappin' for a nuke free Korean peninsula? Perhaps, you're just so lonely? Hmmm?
8:58:01- Ugh. We're into that Roll Call, President's Box spiel. I wonder who they've trotted out this ti-
8:58:02- DIKEMBE MUTOMBO! The Flying Elbows! The Finger Wag! The immortal “Who wants to sex Mutombo!” YES. This is so awesome. He built a hospital in the Congo. Wonderful, fabulous man that he is. I love Dikembe.
8:59- Julie Aigner-Clark, the creator of the Baby Einstein series. Sadly for her, either a baby or Einstein himself styled her hair for the evening. Also, girl on Julie's left? Why are you wearing a shiny lilac shirt? We're at the State of the Union in 2007, not a middle school dance in 1999.
9:04- “God bless.” It ends and immediately some Democrats, like, fly out of their seats and run up the aisles. It's ten o'clock, everybody. There's no traffic to beat. Oh wait, it's D.C. There's always traffic.
9:05- Bush barely shakes Condi's hand. I'd watch it, George.
9:06- Elizabeth Dole shimmies in behind Bush. Why is that lady always popping out of nowhere?
9:07- We rejoin Katie who informs us that after the commercials we'll be getting the response from the Democrats, courtesy Senator Jim Webb, Virginia's resident crazy. She doesn't say that last part. But seriously, he so crazy.
9:18- Jim would like America to know that our economy's benefits are “not being fairly shared.” Oh, we did forget that, didn't we? The profits of the commune are supposed to be distributed evenly. Whoops.
9:20- Jim makes an Andrew Jackson reference about measuring the country's state by that of the middle class man. A nice lesson; when we think about the middle class man, we get the Trail of Tears.
9:24- Seriously, the words are in English and I'm sure it's important, but Jim Webb just isn't very interesting to listen to. Tim Kaine and his wonky eyebrow were definitely better last year. I wish they'd given us The Other Woman. Or Obama. Or better yet, Dikembe.
Bush is no Reagan; we all know that. But for someone whose approval rating is 28-percent, I think the President did a fine job laying out some initiatives that should definitely be successful-immigration and energy, in particular-and stood strong on Iraq without causing anybody an acute migraine. Until next year!
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