LIVE BLOG: The Vagina Monologues

Running commentary as it appeared in the Vanderbilt Torch (Feb. 2006)

7:00- Here we are Valentine’s Day at the Vagina Monologues. Cue up the Monty Python “and there was much rejoicing.”

7:06- It was supposed to start at seven. We all look at our phones, and then at our tickets, and then back at our phones.

7:11- Well, we’re just sitting here, my friends and I. Yes, I have friends. We’re just a bunch of classy girls seeing the Vagina Monologues on Valentine’s Day.

7:12- No, it’s not like that! We love Valentine’s Day! Just a scheduling convenience! Lots of long-distance relationships! Boys, boys, boys!

7:19- A girl comes out on the stage to say: “Is there a dentist in the house?” Huh? At first I think she says Dennis. I’m like, girl, please. The male population in here is Grins on a Tuesday night.

7:26- “I’m Reagan Bush, the director of ‘The Vagina Monologues.’” I don’t think anyone, ever, thought they would hear Reagan, Bush, and vagina in the same non-derogatory sentence.

7:38- Music. A man sings: “They call that thing VAGINA.” Oh. Oh, well. Huh. Well.

7:39- Three women, in all black, enter silhouetted. I doubt that they were going for Spirit Fingers a la Bring It On, but that’s what they got.

7:41- Over 200 women were interviewed about their vaginas. Thank God I wasn’t one of them. No, seriously, y’all. Bless.

7:43- Apparently, women secretly love to talk about their vaginas. I don’t.

7:48- Skinny models set to “Sandstorm!” Now, anorexia and body image issues are very serious problems for so many girls. It’s tragic. It really is. Models, however, are not born into Marc Jacobs’s harem or anything. That’s a decision they’re making, Madrid. And, for that matter, isn’t there something more important going on in Spain than models? No? Okay, then.

7:49- A headline is posted diagonally about the dying models, and everyone’s head in the row in front of me tilts sideways to read it. I giggle.

7:50- Rendition of “What would your vagina wear?” The general consensus is that it would dress like a kindergartner playing dress up—“emeralds,” “a pink boa,” “pearls.” A girl screams “ANGORA.”

7:53- “Cotton.” They should tie this into that whole “The Fabric of Our Lives” campaign.

7:54- “What would your vagina say if it could talk?” I know: ‘Kitty, what the hell are you doing thinking about what your hoo hoo would say? Get back to work, woman.’

7:56- There’s an ‘old woman’ on stage. Apparently, she’s never had a vagina interview. Life goals: be able to say those words at age 75. The monologue is well-acted and sad.

8:05- “My vagina is a pink shell.” Just don’t give away your pearl. Ba da dum.

8:06- Vagina workshop? The hell? I don’t have a lot of patience for anyone who a) wants to sit on the floor staring at any body part, especially one that you need a mirror to see, and b) has the time to do so.

8:23- Okay, so a woman tells a story about how she basically always thought she was ugly until she met Bob. This is all fine and acceptable, almost lovely even, until we got to the part when Bob stared at her naked for AN HOUR. Um, that’s weird. Way, way weird. Just no.

8:25- “What’s a period?” “It goes at the end of a sentence.” Oh man. That’s the sort of wit I like to hear.

8:27- “My friend Marsha’s family celebrated when she got her period and had a dinner.” Poor Marsha. She finally got what was coming to her after all those years overshadowing Jan—a 7th Heaven storyline. If you never saw that episode…uh, neither did I.

8:31- There are 130 million women who have suffered genital mutilation. It’s atrocious.

8:34- “Imagine…Imagine…Imagine.” Imagine I’m doing something productive, or even something unproductive, like listening to John Lennon, instead of being here.

8:37- There’s some discussion about how appalling conditions were under the Taliban in Afghanistan. What is it that thing they say about war? Something about destroying fascism. Also, there was a 7th Heaven episode about burqas. So I’ve heard.

8:38- “My vagina is angry.” The gynecologist monologue is actually hilarious. And it features a Nancy Drew joke. I love Nancy Drew jokes.

8:46- Intermission. Faced with the prospect of this only being the halfway point, I send the following text: “I feel like I need a reward. Like ice cream.”

9:06- And we’re back! With ethnic cleansing in Bosnia. Alas.

9:09- Vaginas are described as autumn songs, blonde wheat, and in other folksy, flowery language. I realize that they’ve been describing things like this all night. I describe NOTHING like this. Ever.

9:17- There’s a story wherein the statutory rape of a sixteen year-old girl by a 24 year-old woman is portrayed as an awakening experience. I just love being here.

9:24- “My short skirt is not a provocation…” Okay, sure, it’s all about the ideas and your body being your own. Wonderful. But let’s be tasteful, shall we. Also, just consider that perhaps your perception differs from the perception of that man in the dark alley before we walk down it.

9:27- “San Francisco is just its own vagina zone.” Confirmed East Coast girl, here.

9:28- A charming little acrostic poem set to song. What is it about, you say? Oh, the word ‘cunt.’ Nat King Cole must be actually spinning in his grave right now.

9:29- Everyone is now screaming “CUNT.” I distract myself by sending the following text: “Kill me now.”

9:33- The lesbian prostitute monologue. While it is not necessarily my brand of humor, it is fabulously acted and features some very funny jokes.

9:46- Okay. This business about the miracle of live birth is horrifying. In fact, my reaction to a live birth video in ninth grade was “Oh my, what a wretched process. Simply dreadful. I resolve that I shall never be with child. In fact, I shall never partake in sex. Alas,” which translated roughly into “AHHHH.”

10:00- How do you feel the pain, suffering, despair of the people, the victims of conflict, violence, and war? THEATER. That’s how.

More than three hours after the show was supposed to begin, I trudged out of Sarratt Cinema, faced with the prospect of writing this article and wanting to watch The Sound of Music and Pride & Prejudice. The Vagina Monologues was not what I expected. There are elements of it that cannot and should not be criticized. Informing people about the atrocities committed against women worldwide, and taking a strong stance against those actions, is never wrong. Nor is recognizing and exercising free speech. Those two things are great. But, in the words of my friend, “I don’t even want to hear the word vagina again.”