KCC IV: The Woman With You

Sometimes, despite all sorts of advice and prizes to the contrary, women go out and join the workforce. Fortunately, this experience will always be negative and just remind them of how much they need a man in their pitiful, womanly lives. I hate Kenny Chesney for making me sound like a feminist. Mostly, I just hate "The Woman With You" because the opening bars sound like "Anything But Mine," which fools and upsets me, because I love the latter and despise the former. Full disclosure: I actually once liked this song.

"She hit the door, 6:55
Sack full of groceries split down the side
Canned goods scattered all the way to the curb
Look on her face sayin' don't say a word"

You know, her face is probably also saying "Get off your lazy ass and pick up those cans" or "Why aren't you helping me, fool?" Plus, what a terrible day: Campbell's soup all over your front yard, running into your own front door, and realizing that you're still involved with a protagonist in a Kenny Chesney song. "

So it's me and her and a can of beans
Sittin' there on the front porch swing
A western sky all turnin' red
Head on my shoulder, she sighed and said"

Let this be a reminder to all young women with career aspirations: if you stay in the kitchen, you too can eat the meals you prepare. No huddling over a can of beans like you were the church mice in Robin Hood. Another pearl of wisdom that can be gleaned here: when women join the workforce, Armageddon descends approaches from the bloodied Western sky.

"'I've been gopherin' and chauffeurin' company chairman,
Coffee maker, copy repairman
Anymore there ain't nothin' I swear man
That I don't do.'"

Without an additional preposition, "gopherin'...company chairmen" does not make any sense whatsoever, unless, of course, I am mistaken about her implied meaning and she's actually referring to a deviant sexual practice. That might make more sense. After all, there ain't nothin' that she don't do. I think my eyes just bled. Sweetie, if you translate "I have to do everything" into "There ain't nothin' I don't do," then corporate America is not the place for you.

"'Been jugglin', strugglin', closin' big deals
Dancin' backwards in high heels
Just when it feels like I can't make it through'
She said, 'It sure is nice to just be the woman with you.'"

It seems she really is a streetwalker, a lady of the night, a whooooore. This is the only rational explanation for why she would be "juggling," "closing big deals," and "dancing backwards in high heels" in any "working" environment. Actually, even the most hookerish hookers don't know why she's dancing backwards in high heels. That certainly wouldn't be conducive to any sort of corporate work, unless her occupation somehow involves table dancing during board meeting coffee breaks. Maybe it's some sort of circus, with the juggling and all.

Regardless, she just loves being our good ol' boy's woman. I mean, who wouldn't? Working long days at the office, pole dancing through budget meetings, only to rush off to the grocery store, then cook and clean and let some one else make your decisions.

"She said, 'The girl I was with a business degree
Probably wouldn't recognize me.
I was gonna run the bank, I was gonna run them out.
Now all I wanna run is a bubble bath.'"

See, what I mean? This ho was going to rob honest people of their hard-earned dollar, running them out of banks like Bonnie (the gangster, not the Old Barkeep's Wife). Or dollars, as the case may be. But, lest we forget, any woman- even ones with cruel ambitions like these- will see that ambition crushed into tiny, tiny foamy bubbles by the frightening world of gainful employment.

"'Back then, ya' know, I had this plan
Before all this reality set in,
Here comes life, boy, ready or not
Hey, I wanted it all and that's what I got.'"

Oh, I'll bet she had a plan alright. But you know, reality. The reality of being a woman.

"'Cause I'm gopherin' and chauffeurin' company chairman,
Coffee maker, copy repairman,
Anymore there ain't nothin' I swear man that I don't do
I've been jugglin', strugglin', closin' big deals
Dancin' backwards in high heels
Just when it feels like I can't make it through'
She said, 'It sure is nice to just be the woman with you.'"

Man, this fool could save herself some damn time if she just skipped on down to Starbucks and bought those big spenders some $4 lattes. But apparently, she died here, too tired to go on, and was unable to both put that advice into practice nor come up with some other complaint verse. Naturally, the badass (smug) guitar of congratulatory self-righteousness jumps in instead. This, fortunately, allows us all to continue to contemplate why the hell she's dancing backwards in heels.

"She said, 'I'm gopherin' and chauffeurin' company chairman,
Coffee maker, copy repairman,
Anymore there ain't nothin' I swear, man that I don't do.
I been jugglin', strugglin', closin' big deals
Dancin' backwards in high heels
Just when it feels like I can't make it through'
She said, 'It sure is nice to just be the woman,
The woman with you.'"

Oh, wait, she's back! Hey, did you know she really hates her, like, job? I think I may have heard something about it, but she just wanted to be clear.

"La la la la la la la la
The woman with you"

'La la la, oh how joyous and carefree I am. My job blows! I'm so glad I have a man to...open canned goods for me! And provide a head rest! And...other...stuff! La la la!'

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