LIVE BLOG: The Vagina Monologues

Running commentary as it appeared in the Vanderbilt Torch (Feb. 2006)

7:00- Here we are Valentine’s Day at the Vagina Monologues. Cue up the Monty Python “and there was much rejoicing.”

7:06- It was supposed to start at seven. We all look at our phones, and then at our tickets, and then back at our phones.

7:11- Well, we’re just sitting here, my friends and I. Yes, I have friends. We’re just a bunch of classy girls seeing the Vagina Monologues on Valentine’s Day.

7:12- No, it’s not like that! We love Valentine’s Day! Just a scheduling convenience! Lots of long-distance relationships! Boys, boys, boys!

7:19- A girl comes out on the stage to say: “Is there a dentist in the house?” Huh? At first I think she says Dennis. I’m like, girl, please. The male population in here is Grins on a Tuesday night.

7:26- “I’m Reagan Bush, the director of ‘The Vagina Monologues.’” I don’t think anyone, ever, thought they would hear Reagan, Bush, and vagina in the same non-derogatory sentence.

7:38- Music. A man sings: “They call that thing VAGINA.” Oh. Oh, well. Huh. Well.

7:39- Three women, in all black, enter silhouetted. I doubt that they were going for Spirit Fingers a la Bring It On, but that’s what they got.

7:41- Over 200 women were interviewed about their vaginas. Thank God I wasn’t one of them. No, seriously, y’all. Bless.

7:43- Apparently, women secretly love to talk about their vaginas. I don’t.

7:48- Skinny models set to “Sandstorm!” Now, anorexia and body image issues are very serious problems for so many girls. It’s tragic. It really is. Models, however, are not born into Marc Jacobs’s harem or anything. That’s a decision they’re making, Madrid. And, for that matter, isn’t there something more important going on in Spain than models? No? Okay, then.

7:49- A headline is posted diagonally about the dying models, and everyone’s head in the row in front of me tilts sideways to read it. I giggle.

7:50- Rendition of “What would your vagina wear?” The general consensus is that it would dress like a kindergartner playing dress up—“emeralds,” “a pink boa,” “pearls.” A girl screams “ANGORA.”

7:53- “Cotton.” They should tie this into that whole “The Fabric of Our Lives” campaign.

7:54- “What would your vagina say if it could talk?” I know: ‘Kitty, what the hell are you doing thinking about what your hoo hoo would say? Get back to work, woman.’

7:56- There’s an ‘old woman’ on stage. Apparently, she’s never had a vagina interview. Life goals: be able to say those words at age 75. The monologue is well-acted and sad.

8:05- “My vagina is a pink shell.” Just don’t give away your pearl. Ba da dum.

8:06- Vagina workshop? The hell? I don’t have a lot of patience for anyone who a) wants to sit on the floor staring at any body part, especially one that you need a mirror to see, and b) has the time to do so.

8:23- Okay, so a woman tells a story about how she basically always thought she was ugly until she met Bob. This is all fine and acceptable, almost lovely even, until we got to the part when Bob stared at her naked for AN HOUR. Um, that’s weird. Way, way weird. Just no.

8:25- “What’s a period?” “It goes at the end of a sentence.” Oh man. That’s the sort of wit I like to hear.

8:27- “My friend Marsha’s family celebrated when she got her period and had a dinner.” Poor Marsha. She finally got what was coming to her after all those years overshadowing Jan—a 7th Heaven storyline. If you never saw that episode…uh, neither did I.

8:31- There are 130 million women who have suffered genital mutilation. It’s atrocious.

8:34- “Imagine…Imagine…Imagine.” Imagine I’m doing something productive, or even something unproductive, like listening to John Lennon, instead of being here.

8:37- There’s some discussion about how appalling conditions were under the Taliban in Afghanistan. What is it that thing they say about war? Something about destroying fascism. Also, there was a 7th Heaven episode about burqas. So I’ve heard.

8:38- “My vagina is angry.” The gynecologist monologue is actually hilarious. And it features a Nancy Drew joke. I love Nancy Drew jokes.

8:46- Intermission. Faced with the prospect of this only being the halfway point, I send the following text: “I feel like I need a reward. Like ice cream.”

9:06- And we’re back! With ethnic cleansing in Bosnia. Alas.

9:09- Vaginas are described as autumn songs, blonde wheat, and in other folksy, flowery language. I realize that they’ve been describing things like this all night. I describe NOTHING like this. Ever.

9:17- There’s a story wherein the statutory rape of a sixteen year-old girl by a 24 year-old woman is portrayed as an awakening experience. I just love being here.

9:24- “My short skirt is not a provocation…” Okay, sure, it’s all about the ideas and your body being your own. Wonderful. But let’s be tasteful, shall we. Also, just consider that perhaps your perception differs from the perception of that man in the dark alley before we walk down it.

9:27- “San Francisco is just its own vagina zone.” Confirmed East Coast girl, here.

9:28- A charming little acrostic poem set to song. What is it about, you say? Oh, the word ‘cunt.’ Nat King Cole must be actually spinning in his grave right now.

9:29- Everyone is now screaming “CUNT.” I distract myself by sending the following text: “Kill me now.”

9:33- The lesbian prostitute monologue. While it is not necessarily my brand of humor, it is fabulously acted and features some very funny jokes.

9:46- Okay. This business about the miracle of live birth is horrifying. In fact, my reaction to a live birth video in ninth grade was “Oh my, what a wretched process. Simply dreadful. I resolve that I shall never be with child. In fact, I shall never partake in sex. Alas,” which translated roughly into “AHHHH.”

10:00- How do you feel the pain, suffering, despair of the people, the victims of conflict, violence, and war? THEATER. That’s how.

More than three hours after the show was supposed to begin, I trudged out of Sarratt Cinema, faced with the prospect of writing this article and wanting to watch The Sound of Music and Pride & Prejudice. The Vagina Monologues was not what I expected. There are elements of it that cannot and should not be criticized. Informing people about the atrocities committed against women worldwide, and taking a strong stance against those actions, is never wrong. Nor is recognizing and exercising free speech. Those two things are great. But, in the words of my friend, “I don’t even want to hear the word vagina again.”

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LIVE BLOG: 2007 State of the Union

Running Commentary as it appeared in the Vanderbilt Torch Feb. 2007

Another year has gone by. Here's my recap of how our union's doing:

8:00- Katie Couric sits in front of the Capital Dome. Aw, I miss home. Basically all Katie has to contribute is: “The Democrats control Congress now. Nancy Pelosi is a WOMAN. Just like ME!”

8:02- Why is Bob Schieffer wearing a purple tie?

8:05- Congress. Wow, there are a lot of WOMEN wearing really ugly clothes. One step forward, two steps back, I guess.

8:05-8:08- Congressmen (and WOMEN!) mill around and exchange pleasantries. I amuse myself by imagining that they're gossiping about each other and telling dirty jokes.

8:09- Jeez, Katie. We know, okay. The Democrats control Congress now. For the twelfth time, we've got it. We voted.

8:10- The House Sergeant of Arms introduces the President. There's a girl on my hall who should look into yelling loudly as a career path.

8:13- Were you aware that Nancy Pelosi is a WOMAN?

8:14- “President Bush is expected to speak for 45 to 50 minutes.” Ugh, are you serious, Katie? I weep a little.

8:14- Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi stand together-together forever. At last, love has come along, lonely days are over, and life is like a song.

8:15- Nancy Pelosi is still a WOMAN. She's also “the Madam Speaker.” Well, well, well. Nancy is now the Madam. At least she's well dressed.

8:18- President Bush informs us that we are now in the 41st month of job growth, but says 41st like he's a contestant on The Price is Right. “Forty…first?”

8:20- President Bush is going to balance the federal budget and eliminate the deficit by 2009. Hot damn! The Madam leaps up to applaud; I do as well and then collapse in disbelief. The day that happens is the day Hillary Clinton's heart grows three sizes.

8:22- No more earmarks! John McCain and his yellow tie wink.

8:24- Hilarious shot of the joint chiefs not applauding No Child Left Behind.

8:25- Hillary! She's The Other Woman. Barrack Obama is sitting in front of her. Little does he know, The Other Woman will attempt to strangle his presidential aspirations with her giant necklace.

8:26- Bush plays math games with my mind that I don't like.

8:28- Medical liability reform! Vandy pre-meds, get excited. Maybe you won't someday suffer a debilitating malpractice suit. Or maybe not, some old congressman just giggled to himself at the mere thought of reform.

8:29- Chertoff's looking a little bit like the old, sketchy butler who would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids.

8:30- Hillary's fun because she never claps. Bush says that “the ditches run deep.” I mishear him at first and think that it is absurdly relevant to what I am currently writing about The Other Woman.

8:31- Comprehensive Immigration Reform! The Madam and I jump up to clap.

8:32- Bush would like to reduce gasoline consumption by 20-percent in the next ten years. Cheney smirks and winks. Well, that's totally not happening.

8:34- We face “the serious challenge of global climate change.” Whoa. Bush actually admitted global warming exists.

8:36- You know where there isn't a WOMAN? The Justice League. Unless you count Ginsberg, but that's sort of debatable, and she's not here anyway so she doesn't count.

8:40- The terrorists are still evil. This is followed by a good shot of Obama and The Other Woman. Her expression hasn't changed all night. She must be drafting her first State of the Union Address.

8:41- John Warner looks old and surly. Oh, Virginia. I miss you.

8:42- Good Lord! Condi looks like she is going to go kill some terrorists herself. Like, tonight.

8:45-8:51- Stuff about that war we're fighting is covered. Dick and the Madam look displeased. Why won't CBS shoot over to The Other Woman for a second? Why, CBS, why?

8:55- Oh, Madam, why you golf clappin' for a nuke free Korean peninsula? Perhaps, you're just so lonely? Hmmm?

8:58:01- Ugh. We're into that Roll Call, President's Box spiel. I wonder who they've trotted out this ti-

8:58:02- DIKEMBE MUTOMBO! The Flying Elbows! The Finger Wag! The immortal “Who wants to sex Mutombo!” YES. This is so awesome. He built a hospital in the Congo. Wonderful, fabulous man that he is. I love Dikembe.

8:59- Julie Aigner-Clark, the creator of the Baby Einstein series. Sadly for her, either a baby or Einstein himself styled her hair for the evening. Also, girl on Julie's left? Why are you wearing a shiny lilac shirt? We're at the State of the Union in 2007, not a middle school dance in 1999.

9:04- “God bless.” It ends and immediately some Democrats, like, fly out of their seats and run up the aisles. It's ten o'clock, everybody. There's no traffic to beat. Oh wait, it's D.C. There's always traffic.

9:05- Bush barely shakes Condi's hand. I'd watch it, George.

9:06- Elizabeth Dole shimmies in behind Bush. Why is that lady always popping out of nowhere?

9:07- We rejoin Katie who informs us that after the commercials we'll be getting the response from the Democrats, courtesy Senator Jim Webb, Virginia's resident crazy. She doesn't say that last part. But seriously, he so crazy.

9:18- Jim would like America to know that our economy's benefits are “not being fairly shared.” Oh, we did forget that, didn't we? The profits of the commune are supposed to be distributed evenly. Whoops.

9:20- Jim makes an Andrew Jackson reference about measuring the country's state by that of the middle class man. A nice lesson; when we think about the middle class man, we get the Trail of Tears.

9:24- Seriously, the words are in English and I'm sure it's important, but Jim Webb just isn't very interesting to listen to. Tim Kaine and his wonky eyebrow were definitely better last year. I wish they'd given us The Other Woman. Or Obama. Or better yet, Dikembe.

Bush is no Reagan; we all know that. But for someone whose approval rating is 28-percent, I think the President did a fine job laying out some initiatives that should definitely be successful-immigration and energy, in particular-and stood strong on Iraq without causing anybody an acute migraine. Until next year!

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LIVE BLOG: An Inconvenient Truth

Running Commentary as it appeared in the Vanderbilt Torch Dec. 2006

I held two convictions going into An Inconvenient Truth: I believe that global warming is happening, and I do not like Al Gore. Both of these convictions were affirmed by the film. And thus, I present this, my running commentary:

7:10 - The film is introduced by a woman with a completely awesome Scottish accent. I decide that I will hence refer to Al Gore as Albert.

7:11 - The first words of the film: “You notice a river flowing gently...” Oh, Jesus.

7:14 – Albert waxes poetic about pictures of Earth from space, one of which, I happen to know, hung in his office at the White House (covert intrusion, sixth grade).

7:15 – Albert says “a friend of mine” and “tell you a story” in the span of two sentences. I’m almost in fits thinking back to the SNL debate skits.

7:16 – We see Albert’s Mac for the third time. A computer with low emissions...or a capitalist plot? You decide. Also, you can decide whether you feel Albert is as hilarious as his audience seems to feel he is—they’re all giggles at the wry musings of Mark Twain. No one in our theater laughs.

7:19 – Albert explains the how and what of Global Warming. The basic summary is: sun rays hit the earth’s atmosphere, most of these are reflected back into space as infrared radiation, some remain which are then dispersed throughout the atmosphere, but that’s a good thing. It keeps us cozy. The problem is that the higher the amounts of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, the more radiation is trapped, and thus higher temperatures.

7:21 – Matt Groening cartoon about Global Warming. ‘Tis funny. Redeems the film, even.

7:23 – Albert has cared about our planet since the 1970s. Even before he invented the Internet. Sorry. That was lame.

7:27 – This gem is uttered: “There is a lesson here. The ice has stories to tell us.”

7:33 – Essentially, higher levels of carbon dioxide mean higher temperatures, and the carbon dioxide levels are higher than they’ve been in the past 650,000 years which we know from the Ice Capades. No really. The bubbles in the ice trap air and the carbon dioxide and oxygen levels, and subsequently temperature can be measured from that.

7:34 – I am slightly mesmerized by the strange, irrelevant change to “April 3, 1989.” After a near-death experience involving his son, Albert re-evaluated his priorities in life. I wouldn’t take issue with this were it not presented to me with grainy, black and white photos, what sounds like the instrumental to “Everybody Hurts,” and Albert breathily describing “what’s precious to [him].”

7:37 – The 10 Hottest Years Ever all fall in the last two decades, but the Hott(tttttt)est Year Ever was 2005.

7:39 – Ivan, Jeanne, Emily, Mo-On: names of storms or my future children? Maybe both.

7:41 – Warmer waters result in bigger storms. Possibly a problem.

7:43 – Seconds after Albert announces that we should focus on the future rather than the mistakes of the past, we get a montage of the 2000 election debacle, during which we get a tiny flash of the fabulously insane Katherine Harris. Also featured prominently is Albert’s comb-over. Repeatedly and from the worst angle.

7:44 – I take off my sweatshirt. CLIMATE CHANGE IN ACTION.

7:46 – Apparently we’re getting ready for a “nature hike through the Book of Revelations.” Ooh fun! Count me in.

7:52 – The film shows a nuclear sub popping up through ice. What? Really? Albert informs us that ice sheet thickness has diminished 40 percent since 1970. Seriously, though, what are subs doing popping through ice?

7:53 – “That’s not good for polar bears.” Cut to the cutest CGI polar bear in the world drowning.

7:55 – Albert explains how convection currents work, but is a little too “RED is HOT! BLUE is COLD!” for my tastes. The basic idea: when the water temperature has major changes, the current stops and an ice age (or the opposite, a major flood) can occur.

7:56 – An ice age can happen quickly—like over a decade—with a major flood and a shift in convection currents. In the real world, sadly, Dennis Quaid will not come rescue you. Fortunately, you also won’t be stuck in a library with Emmy Rossum.

7:58 – OH NO HE DIDN’T. Albert just knocked Ronald Reagan. Albert, the Gipper, from the grave and blindfolded, could beat you into another ice age.

7:59 – Albert makes the connection between recurrence of old diseases and the creation of new ones with warmer temperatures, which I personally think reaches a little, but the point about increased malaria outbreaks with higher temperatures and higher water levels seems valid.

8:01 – Indicative of potential glacier breaks, there was a large scale ice shelf break between Jan, 31and Feb. 23, 2002 without any reasoning outside of global warming. I have a reason though. It was my fourteenth birthday that January day, and I demanded that school be closed, praises be sung, and glaciers be broken. Whatever princess wants, she gets.

8:02 – I excuse myself, by tripping over almost everyone in my row, to use the facilities.

8:05 – I’m back. I doubt I missed anything besides Albert clacking away on his PowerBook.

8:07 – Should half of Greenland melt, the flooding will leave Miami, San Francisco, and Amsterdam underwater. A sad day for cocaine dealers everywhere.

8:07 – Seriously, though, a flood like that would be catastrophic displacing over 60 million people in Bangladesh alone.

8:10 – Albert visits China and speaks. Everyone is sitting in some really sweet purple chairs.

8:12 – Haiti been hatin’ on its trees.

8:16 – To demonstrate our tolerance for increasing temperature, there is a rather frightening CGI rendering of a frog placed in water which is then heated to the boiling point. Albert’s audience finds this absolutely hilarious. Like hysterical laughing. I begin to wonder if drugs were administered before this speaking engagement. Shock therapy, perhaps?

8:18 – Lung cancer: “one of the ways you don’t want to die.” Hmm.

8:21 – The Mac returns with a vengeance. This time it’s showing the world about the despicable world of the Bush appointees while Albert talks on his cell. Good scene, guys.

8:22 – A rather important point is made. In a random sampling of 928 scientific reports in peer-reviewed journals, zero denied global warming.

8:24 – Okay. I just...I...that thing about the drugs? I have to be right about that. Albert, broaching the subject of the balance between the economy and the environment, pulls up a cartoon drawing of a scale with gold bars one side and a globe on the other. He hops on the sketch train and keeps repeating “Gold bars. Mmm. Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm.” And the audience? Cracking up like Tom Cruise.

8:28 – Tears for the American auto industry. Not only can we not sell cars, our emissions standards are pathetic.

8:32 – Albert, rambling off all our against-all-odds achievements, calls the fall of communism in the 1980s a “complete bipartisan effort.” First of all, no. Second, the Gipper will come for you, Albert.

8:34 – Now Albert tosses up a picture of the earth as a pixel. Why, thanks! A little reminder of my insignificance sure has brightened up my outlook for finals!

8:35 – It occurs to me that Al Gore is the irritating as hell “I’m a Mac” ad.

8:36 – And, obviously, we close with Albert’s gently weeping river.

Despite my general distaste for Al Gore, he makes an excellent point in stating that the US stands to gain considerably by redirecting resources, adapting technology, and marketing that globally. He’s also correct to have a sense of urgency; we can’t let the rest of the world beat us. And whether that begins with renewable energy or nuclear energy—after all, France’s energy is 70 percent nuclear (and 30 percent Iraqi oil)—there needs to be some level of change if we hope to compete in a rather lucrative field. National defense is, and should be,a top priority and I can’t help but view Hurricane Katrina as a breach of our national defense. Global warming is a threat to our defense and our economy, and, ultimately, there’s a lot more to be gained, in business and in health, by realizing that fact on both sides of the aisle.

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