Heyyyy Thurrr, It's Been a Month!

So, another month goes by and another Torch article comes out and, like the Backstreet Boys so immortally put it, that's basically all I have to give right now. Really, my life is boring anyway (I'm literally listening to "Total Eclipse of the Heart," drinking Cherry Coke Zero, and resting my elbow on Shakespeare I don't want to read. Thrilling! Scintillating!)

But, on the bright side, it's another Conservative Living Guide and it features, once again, my making fun of conservatives / myself for 1200 words, and a little mocking of the Liberals. So, onto "Giving of Thanks: The Conservative's Guide to Thanksgiving." (If you want to see a list of the obscure pop culture references, go to the full post.)

Winona Ryder films: The Crucible (featuring her as a more heinous bitch than anyone found in Heathers) and Little Women, which doesn't actually concern the pilgrims, per se, but it does concern really white people in New England, who certainly wouldn't have been there without the pilgrims.

Sydney Poitier and Katharine Houghton: Guess Who's Coming Over to Dinner...please, check out this Designing Women clip for further jokes.

Colors of the wind: Obvious joke. I apologize.

"We must give thanks for Macy’s rampant consumerism and for its true embodiment of the American spirit: the ability to make giant balloons shaped like Garfield and fly them down the street." This was Douglas's joke. I give credit where credit be due.

Hmm, this one was a little sparse on the pop culture references. This is probably because I wrote it the morning we sent it to the publishers.

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Mini LiveBlog: The Hills II

Once again, I am lame and for lack of intrigue, we were out getting Ben & Jerry's for my roommate's birthday. Then it was a like mad dash back when we realized it was 9:15 and The Hills was half over.

So, Brody's wearing the shirt that everyone's brother had in the third grade: blue and white striped t-shirt with a thicker yellow stripe going across the chest. Britney Spear's "Gimme More" is playing. Not to pull anybody out of the moment but: that song was released two weeks ago and the production delay on this show is...four months-ish? On the other hand, Britney Spears lost custody of Sean Preston and the other one today, so I'd bet that would take you out of the moment anyway. Or the repressed memories of the VMAs. Thanks, MTV.

Cut to Lo, like, inhaling some guy's face (the helpful naming subtitle: "Brody's Friend." What if frat parties were like that? You turned and you saw "Jess: Katherine's Friend" and "Dan: Random ATO" with, like, "ATO Paint Party" in the left hand corner).

And back over to Brody and LC debating whether or not Brody wants a birthday kiss. Audrina stares at them? It's unclear who she's actually looking at. My money is on them kissing after last week's and like every other week's "next week" in which they kissed. THEY SHOCKINGLY KISS. Audrina has not the decency to do that awkward "Hey, I was just looking over there! And wow, something's caught my interest over here! Because my eyes are just shifty like that!" thing we all do during class when somebody sees you looking at them.

Lo, drunkenly, "You kissed Brody." Ding, ding, ding! Correct!

Heidi and Spencer out to dinner for the anniversary of the apocalypse. Spencer's gross furry beard is coming in very scraggly. He also appears to have forgotten how to blink. I feel like they had dinner in this same booth like three weeks ago. Somebody calls all "Heidi, where the hell are you" because apparently Elodie quit and, in a final bitch move, told Heidi she had the event covered. Heidi says she needs to go; Spencer says she doesn't love him; I hit my head several times on my desk. Business as usual!

Lo hates Justin-Bobby. This is not shocking because Justin-Bobby is gross and obnoxious. Audrina gets all huffy about LC and Lo not liking Justin-Bobby, which is ridiculous, because as Lauren so wonderously said "homeboy wore combat boots to the beach."

LC walks out of the room to go out on the balcony. Audrina leaves. Presumably to just another hotel room, or perhaps her own room, or a vending machine down the hall. It's very dramatic, though, so you can bet she's going with a Snickers and a regular soda.

Brody defends Justin-Bobby to a slightly inebriated Lauren on a gigantic couch. They kind of argue-flirt, and then flirt, and then kiss again. And then we get a very lengthy shot of the strip in Las Vegas with music that's way too Grey's for this show.

"Coming up this season": Sad Jen Bunney sends Lauren a text (a text!), we get to start passing out Clue scorecards to figure out just who started the sex tape rumors (SPENCER in the SPENCER with the SPENCER), and my girl Whitney and Lauren go to NYC for Fashion Week. Most important, though, Heidi and LC. Have. It. Out. I'm legitimately pumped.

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Procrastination! Procrastination!

I was procrastinating doing work earlier by doing the usual blog reading, saw this, and thought "Hey, I could do some more procrastination!"

1. Hardcover or paperback, and why?
Paperback...hardcovers are: too heavy, too expensive, and I hate the way the cover always slips off. I don't have time to deal with, like, a book wrapper.

2. If I were to own a book shop I would call it…
Kitty's Books. Or maybe Ginger's Books. With nice dark stained wood countertops (like an old bar) and a huge glass window out front with Kitty's Books painted in really distinguished type with a big outline of a tiger.

3. My favorite quote from a book (mention the title) is…
Have to go with ol' libertarian stand-by: "And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual" -East of Eden

4. The author (alive or deceased) I would love to have lunch with would be…
Oh man, I don't know. I'm very one-shot-y with authors. I mean, I would love to meet any of the following: Margaret Atwood, Henry James, Kazuo Ishiguro, Jane Austen, and a ton of others. However, I feel like I would end up making a fool of myself (for evidence see the past week: spilling Diet Coke in bag, locking keys in dorm room, falling down on the way to class). I really think it would be interesting to meet J.K. Rowling, because I basically grew up with her characters and would have a lot to say. Or Chris Moore because I looooove Lamb.

5. If I was going to a deserted island and could only bring one book, except from the SAS survival guide, it would be…
I honestly don't think I could handle reading one book over and over again until I died. That wouldn't work. I jump around way too much for that. I mean, I feel like P & P would keep me occupied for a long time, same with All the King's Men or, maybe, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. I mean. The footnotes.

6. I would love someone to invent a bookish gadget that…
Would allow me time to not feel guilty for reading non-school related books during school.

7. The smell of an old book reminds me of…
Dolley Madison Library. Or my the closet in my grandparents' garage where they kept their overflow books. Either of those. I love any smell that reminds me of that sort of Central Florida dried pine, pleasantly musty smell at my grandparents' house.

8. If I could be the lead character in a book (mention the title), it would be…
This is a tad difficult because, while I'd like to be in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, I wouldn't exactly want to be Harry Potter. On the opposite side of that, sordid past undertones aside, Daisy Miller seems like she'd be fun to be except see: dying. Same for every other James character. And every other book I've read in the past two years. So, I don't know, either Elizabeth Bennett or Nancy Drew. Nancy is after all a fabulous ice-cold bitch who carries a gun sometimes and always looks becoming, so that might be cool.

9. The most overestimated book of all times is…
I don't know about everybody else, but Faulkner has a special place in my mind, and that is at the temple where it pulses in migraine-ish proportions whenever it is read.

10. I hate it when a book…
Starts out so strong and then just disappoints me or goes all out crazy in the end. Hey there, The Good Soldier! Thanks for popping in!

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Liveblog: Vanderbilt Theatre's 'Keely and Du'

So, I'm an assistant editor for the Life Section of the Vanderbilt Hustler. I had to review the Vanderbilt production of "Keely and Du" the other night, which you can see here (sadly, a few jokes got cut). If you'd like to read a very thoughtful piece on the play, check out Kate Snowden's Torch article this month.

Anyway, the play's actually very well done. The objectivity was refreshing, but because I would probably liveblog a trip to the grocery store, I thought I’d toss this up here.

7:28- Really intense, like, bluegrass horror film music plays. Jasper knows he done Ella Mae wrong…but does Jasper know where the kitchen knives are?

7:44- After a good fifteen minutes of “Fried Green Angst: A Bluegrass Tribute to Linkin Park,” the lights dim and I get a fun PSA about not texting during the show. I’m also reminded to familiarize myself with the exit (already there).

7:46- Oh, no. Masks. What is this: Phantom of the Abortion Clinic?

7:49- “I’m easy to know.” Me too! I’m very easy to know.

7:51- After a solid two minutes of screams of “Let me go! Help! Please!” with tears and hysterics and hand cuffing to beds and phantom masks, I have already had enough.

7:57- “WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?” Keely, darling, WWJD Zorro just blabbered on about it for like five minutes like he was Lex Luthor or something. They’re not really Andrew Lloyd Webber fans, they’re crazy pro-lifers who kidnap pregnant women like you. This is fun, isn’t it?

7:59- WWJD Zorro: “You will fall in love with your baby.” Just like a fall fashion!

8:00- Um, fantastic, y’all. I so needed a detailed description of abortion right after dinner at Rand.

8:04- “DON’T TOUCH ME.” Keely, enough with the screaming. You’re not pleased with being handcuffed to that bed, I understand. For the sake of my eardrums, change tactics, champ.

8:05- Ah, yes, the obligatory college theatre screaming of “FUCK YOU.”

8:07- It’s like Keely and Du are in a contest to drive me towards insanity first. If it’s not the screaming, it’s the folksy Great Depression stories.

8:09- “I’m a Bible Christian.” …Okay? Perhaps the Torah Jews and Qur’an Muslims can weigh in. If we’re lucky, we may get a Constitution American to jump in.

8:10- WWJD Zorro pops with: mouthwash, oranges, ketchup, and emery boards. Sounds like a man went grocery shopping. And, ew, he bought her underwear. Sounds like a sexual harasser went to Wal-Mart.

8:15- Ah, yes, a good ol’ abortion pamphlet from the Phantom Phanatics Club. I’m sure it’s entitled something atrocious like “Commonly Senseless: Abortion and You.”

8:17- Tiny baby shoes! Even if you don’t like small children, your heart has to melt just a tiny little bit when you see a pair of baby Nikes.

8:18- Starbucks bag: even religious fundamentalists will overpay for their coffee. The old lady’s husband got arrested attacking a clinic in Louisiana. It’s seriously freezing in this theatre, I would overpay…a lot for something hot right now. A hot beverage, that is.

8:21- Keely, make up your mind. Either stop screaming or don’t, just pick a side. “Tammy Wynette, [cough] somebody else’s choice, obviously.” Keely, you just lost some points with me. Also, Tammy Wynette has been dead for almost a decade.

8:27- The ballad of August and Du, here. He used to be boring until he was a born again Christian, and EW. OLD PEOPLE SEX. GAH. NO.

8:30- Gratuitous cursing.

8:31- Keely and Du are touching. I half expect Keely to scream “NOOOOOO.”

8:35- Keely: “I have such black moods, you know?” Trust me, I know.

8:40- More screaming. Seriously, make it stop.

8:43- It’s Keely’s birthday and she gets: warm beer. Du: “Oh, one won’t hurt the baby.” Wrong. Even one warm Natty Lite could really hurt the baby.

8:44- NOOOOOOO! The Jesus Death Eater’s name is Walter. That’s my imaginary husband’s name. He even lets me drive to Woolworth’s!

8:51- “To really be alone up there on that mountain, what a feelin’” FLASHDANCE!

8:54- Keely’s sick of always being around people: “Always hearing other people talk, other people cough, other people sleep.” Yes, those sleepers are just deafening.

8:56- The Antarctica metaphor for being alone and or dying apparently exists about three feet above my head. I look around helplessly like I can just stop being Antarctica if I just believe that I’m not.

8:58- Aw, hugging.

8:59- Not!Walter has come a-knockin’ in the post-birthday celebration. Keely and Du give it the old college try to hide the beer in that “Just a minute” routine that happens at least once a night in every dorm building.

9:03- “It would be difficult for two women in your position to not become complicit.” Well, thanks for the update on what being a woman is like Not!Walter, but I can think of more than a few women I wouldn’t get complicit with no matter how handcuffed I was to a bed. Wait, that didn’t come out right.

9:06- Creepy Cole, Keely’s ex-husband who raped her, brings up her body and Jesus within seconds. Creepy Cole, Keely’s a bit touchy about Jesus right now. Also, not so big on the touching.

9:11- Oh, God. Creepy Cole, the RAPIST, starts talking about how he worships her body in front of Not!Walter and Love Me Du, over there. Now there is screaming, of course.

9:13- Screaming, screaming, screaming. Aaaaaaaaaand, she bites him.

9:14- The stage goes dark as Keely starts, in her one moment alone, bending some wire. I'm sure there's a Mommie Dearest joke to be made somewhere in there. But really, when isn't there a Mommie Dearest joke to be made?

9:18- Role reversal! Poor ol’ Du’s up in the joint, getting robbed and on Prozac, and Keely’s come to visit and cry.

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Liveblog: The 427th Democratic Debate

8:01- The candidates' heads float through a hall at Dartmouth University. It’s like Hogwarts!

8:02- It seems that BarriO was against the war back in 2002. It feels like I’ve heard this before, but I’m just not sure. Oh, cruel memory. Apparently, 2013 is four years from now.

8:04- Hillz is dressed like a ray of hazy, globally warmed sun. Hair looks pretty good, though.

8:06- January 2009 has come up about fifty-two times already. I will be turning 21 then. Anime John [insert shameless self-promotion...NOW] says something about Hillz; cut to her writing out the following to do list:
“1. Invest in pantsuit not made out of The Price Is Right set carpet.
2. Fire stylist #153
3. Call Clemenza re: Edwards”

8:09- JEEZ. Bill Richardson says something to the extent of “We must remove all troops” and the camera pans out to where BarriO’s staring at Bill like the reaper does. Yes, I've looked death in the face. I then slapped it.

8:12- Superfluous Chris Dodd has a nice blue shirt on tonight. That’s his main contribution for the evening.

8:16- The backdrop on this stage is a neon surrealist flag that split up so there are black bars where each candidate is. It’s both fabulous and fatalistic. Like "Xanadu."

8:18- Gravel flips out about Iran, calling out Hillz and BarriO. He pronounces Iran like EYE-RAN rather than EAR-RON. If I didn’t already dislike Gravel, that would probably do it.

8:19- I’m not gonna lie. I kind of like how much of a frosty ice queen Hillary Clinton is. I mean, bitch crazy. It’s pretty fantastic. Gravel calls her a whore for voting for Lieberman’s Iran resolution today, and she laughs.

8:23- We’re talking about North Korea and Syria now? Whatever. BarriO’s back—I’d sort of forgotten about him.

8:26- I will give credit where credit is due. I like Anime John’s tie. Anime John: “I have no intention of giving George W. Bush any authority to start another war.” Not a problem, John, you’re not a senator anymore.

8:31- What illegal immigrants are at Dartmouth? Rogue Mounties? Robin Sparkles?

8:33- This manly Allison newswoman is kind of hateful. I get the politics of it but still: if you’re going to trash George W. on Iraq, then you have to give him credit on trying to get the immigration bill passed.

8:41- Vector Vest? Who the hell named that?

8:43- “Certainly we all like and respect Hillary” …and she will kill us all with her terrible, terrible eyes!

8:45- Tim has gotten nasty here since the commercial break. And stupid. Hillz does not like it when people say she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

8:47- “I regret that and so did the late Senator Chafee” …but he’s dead now, so I can now use his plan and he can’t say anything about it.

8:49- Apparently this segment is “Tim Russert Will Now Ask You About Anything Nasty You’ve Ever Said About Hillary Clinton.”

8:55- Kucinich let Cleveland go bankrupt. Those people can’t get a break up there. The BCS Championship game, Drew Carey, Romeo Crennel, probably the worst NBA Finals performances ever, it just goes on and on. I mean, I won’t be surprised if Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia’s arms fall off tomorrow.

8:59- Hateful Allison—from, I kid you not, “New England Cable News”—is like the stereotypical Northeastern snippy elitist.

9:10- Hillz wants to talk about fiscal responsibility!

9:12- Tim Russert looks a lot like the human Peter Griffith.

9:14- Everyone pussyfoots around saying that they hate old people and their demands for the blood of the today’s youth. Don’t you ever forget that the AARP owns your soul and will trade you away like a cheap, cheap hooker for the blue plate special at Denny’s and a discount on tires.

9:18- So, Kooch bankrupted Cleveland. Kooch wants to lower the retirement age back to 65. Will somebody just give him a pat on the head and send him home?

9:25- Hateful Allison: “Would you remove the federal drinking age?” Dartmouth students cheer, which is ridiculous because they’re at college with free alcohol, out on, like, a farm in New Hampshire. Nobody cares, Dartmouth.

9:27- It’s National Alpaca Farm Day both September 29 and September 30!

9:33- BarriO wants to end the “divisive politics” in this country, except he says it like “divissssiv.”

9:37- Chris Dodd has daughters aged six and two? If we’re being honest, I look like I’m about sixteen. I still more look age appropriate to have children aged six and two than Chris Dodd.

9:42- Kooch says something about oil dependency and the camera pans out so we get a fantastic shot of Hillz giving him a face, a picture of which is next to the definition of “Deadpan” in the dictionary.

9:47- Tim: “That scenario was laid out by William Jefferson Clinton”
Hillz: “Well, he’s not standing here tonight.” Good line, ma’am.

9:55- Anime John stomps around:
9:54:42 PM kmarsmill: he's come off a lot better tonight than last time
9:54:52 PM kmarsmill: much less angry, much more sympathetic
9:55:03 PM doogmanpga: heh
9:55:05 PM doogmanpga: there goes that
9:55:10 PM kmarsmill: it's like my magic touch

9:56- BarriO’s favorite Bible verse is apparently one he’s making up right now.

9:57- Hillz’s favorite: the Golden Rule. “A good one for life and for politics.” HA. I love that bitch.

9:58- Most important issue of the night. No, really. This is the most interested I’ve been.
Richardson: BoSox
Kooch: Indians
Hillz: Yanks unless the Cubs make the World Series then the “apocalypse is coming”
Gravel: BoSox
Dodd: BoSox
BarriO: ChiSox (sounds like an omen, Barrack)
Biden, awesomely: “I grew up with a grandfather who said if you weren’t a Yankees fan, you didn’t eat. Yankees.”

Katherine: Yankees and Phillies (…maybe the Rockies if they make it, the pitching holds up, and Matt Holliday continues to channel, like, the entire HOF. That would be weirder than Kooch being president, though...so, the Phillies. Rah Jimmy Rollins).

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KCC V: Don't Blink

The next single off Kenny Chesney's new album is out, assaulting me somedays when I wake up to trot off to class (aside: best song to wake up to is most certainly "Firecracker" by Josh Turner..."pack of black cats in a red paper wrapper," indeed, sir). But, you know, apparently we're all just breathless to hear what Kenny Chesney believes is the philosophy behind the secret to life.

"I turned on the evening news
Saw a old man being interviewed
Turning a hundred and two today
Asked him what's the secret to life
He looked up from his old pipe
Laughed and said 'All I can say is' "

This is obviously the news segment that fell between "Moderately to Wildly Depressing Iraq Update" and "Vegetable/Animal/Mineral from Former Communist Country Kills Child." Just in case you don't comprehend that the one hundred and two year-old man is elderly, Kenny clarifies that he's an "old man" smoking an "old pipe." I also love that "Turning a Hundred and Two" may as well mean "Has the Ark of the Covenant in His Basement."

"Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap
And you wake up and you're twenty-five
And your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink"

Don't blink. That's the secret. It's damn impressive that Voldemort up there is still living after not blinking all these years. By the way, this means that our senior citizen went to sleep during WWI and woke up in the Great Depression. It's like the sadist's version of Rip Van Winkle.

"I was glued to my tv when it looked like he looked at me and said
'Best start putting first things first.'
'Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can't flip it over and start again
Take every breath God gives you for what it's worth"

It's contagious! You watch Emo Rip for two minutes and suddenly you can't close your eyes because they're stuck to the screen! It's also pretty clear that the protagonist here is drunk. How often do people in the television speak directly to you?

"Don't Blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap
And you wake up and you're twenty-five
And your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink"

The waiting until twenty-five to marry a high school sweetheart indicates something besides a long nap, however. Sounds like somebody was incarcerated. Or somebody else was "dancing" a few too many "Charlestons" out past Sister Mary Margaret's curfew. Or, pardon, this is the South, so a few too many hot Carter Family...hoedowns (or "ho-downs" as the case may be). Regardless, even if it takes seven years to marry the girl you dated in high school, remember that it's the only place you'll find a good woman. You wouldn't want her becoming a Lady of a Certain Age.

"So I've been tryin' to slow it down
I've been tryin' to take it in
In this here today, gone tomorrow world we're livin' in"

Less blinking will technically allow you to take more in.

"Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old
And you take a nap
And you wake up and you're twenty-five
And your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster then you think
So don't blink"

Mrs. Emo Rip went first, of course, because the women in Kenny Chesney songs will defy that damn life expectancy tom-foolery. This chorus is precisely the same as the other two, however, so the prevailing message is still: don't blink. Kenny just wanted to make it painfully clear that he's ripping off "One Hundred Years" by Five for Fighting. I just feel like there could have been a lot more options for lyrics in this so--wait, there's one more refrain...

"Naw, don't blink
Life Goes Faster Than You Think
Don't Blink..."

Now, don't blink
He'll put the X in your drink;
That's his kink...

...more words rhyme with "blink" than just "think," Kenny.

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Random Mini LiveBlog: The Hills

I'm anxiously anticipating the moment that Elodie leaps up from behind her desk and assaults Heidi with a stapler. I mean, seriously, Heidi, are you a river boat captain? Is it seer-sucker Thursday out in LA?

Cleaned-up and sober Jason is geeky and sweet in a way he most certainly was not before.

Heidi and Spencer are like our talentless John and Yoko: the obnoxious extreme of pop culture who just keep looking more and more alike. Their problem is that their bitchiness is the least fantastic bitchiness to ever exist. It's tacky, it's unecessary, and...Jesus, I hate Spencer. He's a whiny psychopath that looks like an overgrown toddler alien mouth-breather with heroin addict hair with some of the most ridiculous veneers I've ever seen.

Okay, MTV, this Kaya business honestly is being advertised like Degrassi. If it's 10% as fantastically cheesy and awesome, we'll be straight. But if we get that angsty monologue about "giving them a rockstar" I will not be happy.

Also, Amanda Bynes needs to sue her agent for letting her look so...bloated and orangey in Sydney White. Pre-teen girls like "relatable" actresses, not actually relatable actresses. They want to watch a movie and go "That's what I will look like when I'm in college dating a drrrreeeeaaammmyy boy," as opposed to looking at their friend next to them and saying to themselves "damn, Tay needs highlights just as bad as Amanda Bynes."

YES. ELODIE. Give Heidi the ol' one-two punch in the gut there. I'm frankly surprised this didn't happen seasons ago as Heidi blathered onto you about that dude she used to date who didn't go to school and wore that knit hat all the time. In LA. During, what I seem to recall was the summer. Whitney has a high tolerance for this sort of thing because she's age appropriate, seems nice, and actually works at her job. And naturally, since gossip is what got me through finals week alive last semester, I can sympathize. Still, that girl Audrina bores to tears will probably snap in a few episodes.

The next week's on this show are always about ten times better than the actual show. I'm pumped for Jason getting engaged and Whitney doing shots with that band.

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Ronald Reagan! in Reagan and The Night of the Prius!

Watch as Ronald Reagan! takes on La Madame, Tits Magee, an anime John Edwards and fights the DNC Hall of Doom's plan to make us all drive Priuses. Yes, Priuses. Also, get prepared for the preppy Elephanteers and the obligatory "White People All Look the Same" joke. It's a full length comic and it is prepared to do things that few comics have done before.

See it here. The comic was written and drawn by me, using Adobe Illustrator for the September 2007 issue of the Vanderbilt Torch.

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KCC IV: The Woman With You

Sometimes, despite all sorts of advice and prizes to the contrary, women go out and join the workforce. Fortunately, this experience will always be negative and just remind them of how much they need a man in their pitiful, womanly lives. I hate Kenny Chesney for making me sound like a feminist. Mostly, I just hate "The Woman With You" because the opening bars sound like "Anything But Mine," which fools and upsets me, because I love the latter and despise the former. Full disclosure: I actually once liked this song.

"She hit the door, 6:55
Sack full of groceries split down the side
Canned goods scattered all the way to the curb
Look on her face sayin' don't say a word"

You know, her face is probably also saying "Get off your lazy ass and pick up those cans" or "Why aren't you helping me, fool?" Plus, what a terrible day: Campbell's soup all over your front yard, running into your own front door, and realizing that you're still involved with a protagonist in a Kenny Chesney song. "

So it's me and her and a can of beans
Sittin' there on the front porch swing
A western sky all turnin' red
Head on my shoulder, she sighed and said"

Let this be a reminder to all young women with career aspirations: if you stay in the kitchen, you too can eat the meals you prepare. No huddling over a can of beans like you were the church mice in Robin Hood. Another pearl of wisdom that can be gleaned here: when women join the workforce, Armageddon descends approaches from the bloodied Western sky.

"'I've been gopherin' and chauffeurin' company chairman,
Coffee maker, copy repairman
Anymore there ain't nothin' I swear man
That I don't do.'"

Without an additional preposition, "gopherin'...company chairmen" does not make any sense whatsoever, unless, of course, I am mistaken about her implied meaning and she's actually referring to a deviant sexual practice. That might make more sense. After all, there ain't nothin' that she don't do. I think my eyes just bled. Sweetie, if you translate "I have to do everything" into "There ain't nothin' I don't do," then corporate America is not the place for you.

"'Been jugglin', strugglin', closin' big deals
Dancin' backwards in high heels
Just when it feels like I can't make it through'
She said, 'It sure is nice to just be the woman with you.'"

It seems she really is a streetwalker, a lady of the night, a whooooore. This is the only rational explanation for why she would be "juggling," "closing big deals," and "dancing backwards in high heels" in any "working" environment. Actually, even the most hookerish hookers don't know why she's dancing backwards in high heels. That certainly wouldn't be conducive to any sort of corporate work, unless her occupation somehow involves table dancing during board meeting coffee breaks. Maybe it's some sort of circus, with the juggling and all.

Regardless, she just loves being our good ol' boy's woman. I mean, who wouldn't? Working long days at the office, pole dancing through budget meetings, only to rush off to the grocery store, then cook and clean and let some one else make your decisions.

"She said, 'The girl I was with a business degree
Probably wouldn't recognize me.
I was gonna run the bank, I was gonna run them out.
Now all I wanna run is a bubble bath.'"

See, what I mean? This ho was going to rob honest people of their hard-earned dollar, running them out of banks like Bonnie (the gangster, not the Old Barkeep's Wife). Or dollars, as the case may be. But, lest we forget, any woman- even ones with cruel ambitions like these- will see that ambition crushed into tiny, tiny foamy bubbles by the frightening world of gainful employment.

"'Back then, ya' know, I had this plan
Before all this reality set in,
Here comes life, boy, ready or not
Hey, I wanted it all and that's what I got.'"

Oh, I'll bet she had a plan alright. But you know, reality. The reality of being a woman.

"'Cause I'm gopherin' and chauffeurin' company chairman,
Coffee maker, copy repairman,
Anymore there ain't nothin' I swear man that I don't do
I've been jugglin', strugglin', closin' big deals
Dancin' backwards in high heels
Just when it feels like I can't make it through'
She said, 'It sure is nice to just be the woman with you.'"

Man, this fool could save herself some damn time if she just skipped on down to Starbucks and bought those big spenders some $4 lattes. But apparently, she died here, too tired to go on, and was unable to both put that advice into practice nor come up with some other complaint verse. Naturally, the badass (smug) guitar of congratulatory self-righteousness jumps in instead. This, fortunately, allows us all to continue to contemplate why the hell she's dancing backwards in heels.

"She said, 'I'm gopherin' and chauffeurin' company chairman,
Coffee maker, copy repairman,
Anymore there ain't nothin' I swear, man that I don't do.
I been jugglin', strugglin', closin' big deals
Dancin' backwards in high heels
Just when it feels like I can't make it through'
She said, 'It sure is nice to just be the woman,
The woman with you.'"

Oh, wait, she's back! Hey, did you know she really hates her, like, job? I think I may have heard something about it, but she just wanted to be clear.

"La la la la la la la la
The woman with you"

'La la la, oh how joyous and carefree I am. My job blows! I'm so glad I have a man to...open canned goods for me! And provide a head rest! And...other...stuff! La la la!'

...continue reading this post