LiveBlog: NBA Draft 2007

7:09- I'm really terrified by Jay Bilas. He's so...chipper. And he does this thing with his voice where he keeps babbling until he's breathlessly panting into his mike and his voice goes really low and gutteral. He kind of sounds like Jim Nance X'd out.

7:39- Boston is sending the number five, Delonte West, Wally Sczerbiak, and Wally's contract to Seattle for Ray Allen. Somewhere, a leprechaun cries.

7:58- Boston picks Green for Seattle and his mother goes all vogue on us throwing her left hand in front of her face to weep like Stern just announced her son's impending execution. I realize how absolutely FILTHY the Sonics will be with Durant and Green.

8:02- Everyone gets nervous as Yi Jianlin might be drafted by Milwaulkee, resulting in a land war in Asia. Dude, China must be so pissed right now. They're totally texting India right now all "omg...i hate those bitches."

8:11- The Timberwolves pick Corey Brewer. I don't have much to say besides: GO GATO...AH. JESUS. Glenda Brewer is growing straw out of her head, has hooker blush on, and black eyeliner thick as tire treads. She needs to shave her head and try again. God. Take her away!

8:17- Rachel Nichols is down in Charlotte. She had a meeting with MJ the other day and "chatted with him," so I'd guess she's been down in Charlotte, if you know what I mean. She really needs to go out and buy a better flat iron. Charlotte picks Brandan Wright.

8:21- Three strikes against Brandan Wright: MJ hates kids who don't care (GODDAMN YOU, KWAME BROWN), he just challenged MJ, and he has braces. On his teeth, not his legs. That would definitely be a big downside.

8:24- Jo Noah's going to Chicago! GO GATORS. He's dressed like a preppy river boat captain. Speaking of white people, the Kings select Spencer Hawes. I think he'd be a better pick for the Bulls, but I guess they had enough of tall, awkward white guys after all those years with Luc Longley. Spencer has a lisp. Things will go well there.

9:07- Rodney Stuckey goes to the Pistons. His name seems like the title character in a dark British satire. I can't tell if these suits actually look really good or if in ten years, I'll be like "Lord, I can't believe I used to think that was attractive."

9:10- ALRIGHT. The WASHINGTON WIZARDS SELECT NICK YOUNG. Thanks, God. I mean, we actually need a damn center, but Young is super good; that's more than we can say about our other picks the last few years. Oh, ew. Nick has, like, country bumpkin teeth and sounds drunk. Wait, maybe we need to give him back.

9:15- Breaking news: Zach Randolph will immediately be picked up tomorrow with a basketball shaped rock of cocaine in the middle of Times Square.

9:18- New Jersey picks up Sean Williams. I thought he would have been drafted higher. Hmm? Hmmmmm? Sorry.

9:23- Golden State drafts Marco Belinelli, who, outside of Yi, is the most perfect player for them in the draft. He's dressed a bit like he works for the Russian mob, though. China to Italy: "go die."

9:29- The Lakers pick Javaris Crittenton. I feel like there are extra letters in his name. Unsurprisingly, Jim Gray is sitting on Mitch Kupchak's lap.

9:40- Philly drafts Daequan Cook. Daequan is going to Miami for Jason Smith. I guess Billy Knight and Billy King sold their souls to the devil this week for some common sense, two slurpees, and some free tickets to Live Free or Die Hard.

9:59- Yi doesn't want to go Wisconsin tomorrow. Shocker. US to China: "sup. were sorry about the draft. like rly sorry. wanna see die hard 4 2moro nite?"

10:20- The Pistons draft Aaron Afflalo. ESPN: "Must Improve: Athleticism." That sounds promising.

10:29- China to US: "i hate u all. i hope die hard sux."

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When Boredom Strikes. Frequently.

Things I read about today at work:

• The plans for Paris Hilton's post-incarceration party
• The Washington Post's four part series on the atrociousness of the DC Public School System [this began as bored reading and then actually became extremely relavent to my job in the afternoon when I had to research it]. The most horrible/darkly hilarious part of it: an American University student taught at a DC elementary school for student teaching or something and the students were so used to the mice in their classroom that they had named them and drew pictures of them. I'm going to hell, obviously, but I did kind of laugh about that.
  
• Why Hillary "Tits Magee" Clinton is getting the woman vote in the primary
• Bush trying to get an Immigration Bill back on the table. If only the damn GOP would get on board.
  
• Potential trades for Kobe Bryant. People seem to think he might be able to go to the Knicks. I just don't see that happening; Isiah has managed to destroy the franchise so much that they simply do not have something competitive to send to the Lakers.
  
• Why the GOP totally hearts Scooter and, like, hates Alberto (which...word.)
  
• John Hollinger's theory for fixing the NBA Playoffs
• Jemele Hill's interesting take on Bruce Bowen
  
• A review for Toby Keith's new album (I'm not such a TK fan)
  
• Dale Earnhardt Jr. signing with Hendrick
• Why my boss thinks Mitt Romney, or as he's called in some circles "Hott Mitt," is an extremely legitimate, very likable candidate
• The lyrics to "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse.
  
• The complete tech specs for both MacBooks and MacBook Pros
• What Wikipedia has to say about Scientology (this happened because of a dead end during some background research for an article that randomly had a link there).
  

Sites I visited today at work:

• Facebook. Obviously.
  
• Go Fug Yourself (oh, Marcia Gay)
  
• washingtonpost.com
• Defamer
• ESPN.com
  
• The Comics Curmudgeon. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  
• Drudge Report
• Wonkette (I KNOW. I'M SORRY. JUST REVOKE MY GOP MEMBERSHIP. I can't help it, I think it's funny.)
• Buster Olney's MLB Blog
• Tomato Nation
• TMZ...I'm trying to figure out which I prefer, TMZ or Defamer.
  
• Television Without Pity
• The Fix on washingtonpost.com, which had an interesting translation of the Rudy email today.
  

New favorite commercial: 50 Cent for Vitamin Water. It may have just topped David Ortiz and Brian Urlacher for Vitamin Water.

Peyton Manning is at the Cavs game. Ew. And...why? ABC immediately cuts to Eva Longoria, who despite cheering for the other team, is Night at the Roxbury head nodding to Hang On Sloopy. At least she isn't wearing that ridiculous Andre 3000 hat she had on the other night. You know, despite all the obligatory "Ours Is an Endless LOVE. That's right, LOVE." with Tony Parker and Eva Longoria, I kind of want those kids to make it.

The center court NBA trophy continues to confound me. It's just so...cartoonish. I am almost as perplexed as Bill Russell was during Ben Harper's weird slide guitar rendition of the National Anthem.

Okay, Duncan and LeBron both have 3 fouls. I'm not sure how this series could get any duller. I mean, maybe they could just stop playing basketball? Sit at midcourt and basket weave or something?

ABC, we need to have a talk. David Blain is entirely unacceptable. We all know this. Hell, you probably know this. Replacing the already poorly placed Pussycat Dolls with that Sound Effects choir from the Oscars, though, is another startlingly out-of-touch move. A commercial I do enjoy, however, is the Nike "just believe" LeBron ad with the grainy shot and the old-school soul. It's very clean, classy, and effective.

I'm not really sure how I feel about Fantastic Four 2. On the one hand, the first one was acceptably mediocre. Of course, Jessica Alba defied awful. I mean, even as a girl I can say that she looked hot in that movie, but damn was she wooden. Take this for instance:

Dr. Doom or Whatever: Let's not fight.
Sue Storm, Which Is a Dumb Name to Begin With: No [long pause in which the viewer is able to contemplate just how ineffective that "no" sounded] let's. This is easily the most stilted, ineffectual reading of a two word sentence that only required "NO, LET'S." to make up for how poorly worded the entire exchange was.

Also, I'm kind of disturbed by what I've seen of this Silver Surfer person. First of all, that too is a really dumb name. Secondly, he just seems sort of stilted, himself. I'm sure that's for effect. But really I just can't believe that the MOST BADASS thing they could come up with was a sparkly guy on a surfboard and a weird voice.

Anyway, I have to go blowdry my hair. I wish I was kidding.

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LIVEBLOG: Pistons-Cavs Game 6

Okay, first of all, I'm still angry as hell that I didn't watch Game 5. Second, the two lessons I learned in blogging Footloose: that the pause button is not my friend, and that I am somewhat incapable of being funny and not describing every minute detail when watching something I actually like. I may try again soon with this. That should be delicious.

10:44- I heard that LeBron only took two shots in the first half, so I figured I needed to get in on this. Rip Hamilton drains a three, tying the game at 61 with 4-and-a-half to go. When I see the cursive text tattoo on Larry Hughes's neck, I kind of wonder how absolutely ridiculous I would look with a similar tattoo. Nobody would take me seriously. Ever.

10:47- A big flashing light reflects off the court as McDyess is at the line. What does it say "MISS MISS MISS"? Stever discusses the misconception that Drew Gooden and his neck moustache are needed. I disagree, unless they always need him and he's never, ever there. Daniel "Looks What I Imagine Chris Brown Looks Like" Gibson, The Rookie from Texas for three. Cavs 65, Pistons 63 with 2:20 to go in the third.

10:51- Well, Daniel "LWIICBLL" Gibson, TRfT looks somewhat like Chris Brown. Chris Brown is really smiley and happy, though (as one would expect with the shortie like his, and the running it and all) while Daniel...isn't.

11:01- The fourth quarter starts with the Cavs up by one. LeBron is 1-5 from the floor tonight; DG, TRfT hits another three. With all that abbreviation I feel like I should be phrasing that: "DG, TRfT 4 3 lolz...u goin 2 da mall 2nite wit us?" While I'm typing this out- took me an absurdly long time- DG, TRfT hits ANOTHER THREE. Just dirrrty. Cavs 73, Pistons 67 with 10:45 to go.

11:07- I think I just saw Usher. At the game. Not here at my house. Were he at my house, I don't think I'd be preoccupying myself with anything other than undressing. DG, TRfT AGAIN. Jesus. He has 21 one points...and his age ain't gonna stop him now? Sorry. I download "Shortie Like Mine" while we go to commercial with the Cavs up 10 points with 8:11 to go and DG, TRfT at the line.

11:16- Dirty Rasheed gets called for an offensive foul after he charges through Shirley, who have been, like, grinding under the basket like it's 2003 and "Get Busy" is playing. Rasheed gets called for a T, his seventh, which means that should there be a seventh game, he will not play in it. Also, the seventh Harry Potter book will come out. Probably at the same time. Lord knows these playoffs are going to last until about July 21.

11:20- DG, TRfT HITS ANOTHER THREE. Shia LeBeauf turned out, surprisingly, kind of hot; Transformers turned out, unsurprisingly, kind of lame looking. If it were fifty years ago, though, "Shia LeBeauf" would be "Kenneth Scotsdale," "James Weston," or something equally WASPy.

11:27- This game is quickly devolving into a free for all as the Pistons go small and we've got about eight guards on the floor. I mean, people are tripping over each other, passing it to their defenders, tossing at strange points on the floor. DG, TRfT hits a short jumper, giving him 31 for the night. Marv Albert informs us that he was sixth in his class in high school, which has totally made me love DG, TRfT. I like to be informed about these people. For example, ever since Jeff Francoeour shared with us all that he "[hates] books," I have no use for his ability to not take a pitch.

11:31- "At Orkin, knowledge is our best weapon"? Um, isn't it actually pressurized insect poison? I've met Joe, or "the Orkin guy," many times over the past few years and I'd say knowledge is not his best weapon.

11:35- Rip fouls out. Aw, Rip. You deserve better than these old fools and Chauncey Billups. Mike Brown, the man who failed to play DG, TRfT and Pavlovic (whose name I always read as Pavlov) for most of the season, is congratulated and recognized for "his achievement."

11:39- The Cleveland Cavaliers will make it to the NBA Finals for the first time in their history...where the Spurs will shoot lazers out of their eyes and, like, employ Michael Bay's TRANSFORMERS to completely devour the Cavs. Ilgauskas and LeBron hug for an extended period of time. I would not have paired them up.

11:42- Billups has taken his jersey off, and has my permission to do so at any time he pleases. Some used car salesman that TNT employs interviews DG, TRfT who has some really nice teeth.

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Damn It.

Wrong night to not watch the game; LeBron had a Jordanesque game with 48 points in a game that went into double overtime. ARGH.

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LIVEBLOG: Footloose Part I

Because I don't particuarly want to watch the game tonight, I've chosen, instead, to liveblog Footloose, probably my favorite eighties movie. Many have not seen it, which is sad, because seeing this movie will immediately improve the quality of your life. After watching it again for about the tenth time in the past two years, I have tried to do it justice tonight. Really, though, it's better to watch with a group of people, as witnessed a year ago in Myrtle Beach. Cannot be overstated how much this movie combines the two pillars of a great eighties movie: AWESOME and CHEESY. I will say, however, that Step Up has made it into the upper echelon of my favorite dance movies, along with Dirty Dancing (a mainstay) and Footloose (the sleeper), after replacing Save the Last Dance, which has become the poor man's Step Up- nowhere near as fun and way, way too much emotion baggage.

First, some left over thoughts from last night:

I feel like there's a gulag/One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich joke I could make everytime I see Kirilenko on screen. But really, he sort of looks like what happens when you cut the scarecrow down from the post. Like a big stick figure that's come to life or something. A Russian stick figure.

Mehmet Okur, at one point, tapped the ref on the shoulder as he walked off the court for a timeout, like he was going to see if, like, maybe the ref, like, you know, likes anybody? You know, like likes? Because, like, Mehmet was wondering, you know, like if the ref is, like, going to the dance with anybody?

Can we retire the phrase "coming out party"? I don't think any heterosexual man, especially a professional athlete, wants to have their success defined as a "coming out party."

Because I am slowly becoming Vanderbilt in human form, I bought some madras plaid shorts from J. Crew the other day. I realize just how conservative madras really is now. These shorts are comfortable, yes, but more importantly, like the J. Crew Chastity Shorts. There is a zipper, two thick clasps, a button, and a drawstring that must be tied because of its length. Just remember, if you plan on shimmying out of some shorts, don't go with the madras plaid.

Onto the incredibly underrated classic film, Footloose.

0:00:19- The opening credits feature about two dozen sets of feet in various ugly footwear from 1983 dancing about to the musical stylings of Kenny Loggins, who has not one but two songs in this film, one of which (the title song) plays about four times. My favorite shows? The second pair [cowboy boots and torn jeans] which look like they belong to someone attractive.

0:02:47- There's several establishment shots to demonstrate that this film's setting is the middle of nowhere. John Lithgow, who plays Reverend Shaw Moore, screams to his congregation that "GOD IS TESTING US" and how dancing and hot music sucks. Kevin Bacon looks exasperrated, and Sarah Jessica Parker- from across the congregation- is all "look hot boy, everybody, look at the hot new boy." Her friend rolls her eyes, and paints her nails.

0:04:57- Dianne Wiest (the future Manhattan DA of Law & Order fame) plays Mrs. Moore. She is known in this house as "The Creepy Wife in Footloose." Kevin Bacon's name is Ren. No, that's never explained. He's introduced as new from Chicago (He's a big city boy! Bad! Probably likes dancing and sex!) to the John Lithgow's daughter: Crazy Ariel, the girl who was painting her nails red during church. Bitch crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. SJ Parker and her friend giggle hysterically about three feet from Ren as he's introduced.

0:07:25- The girls hop in the blond girl's car and talk about sex in a manner that would never pass in a teen movie today. A truck pulls up behind them with guitar heavy music blaring: it's Chuck, who may be a bastard but sure is hot. Crazy Ariel yells out the window "You feelin' lonely tonight?" with a wink. They start racing, and the CRAZY comes out. Ariel grabs onto the window of his truck and starts climbing out, then stands up in the two windows and dancing around and wooping like a crazy person while an 18-wheeler starts coming the otherway. She makes it through. Shockingly.

0:09:36- Back at Bible Central, some jackass in a bowtie tells the reverend that there's a problem at the school where the English teacher is still planning to teach The Slaughterhouse Five. Big City Ren, of course, has read it and loved it. For those keeping score, Ren is a Vonnegut fan and briefly develops a Southern accent.

0:11:02- It's suddenly night. Hot Chuck and Crazy Ariel pull up at the unidentified local teen hang out. Crazy Ariel's friends run up and scream at her. Their names: Edna, Winnie Jo, and Rusty. Clearly, they are not in a position to be giving anyone a hard time about anything. Crazy Ariel jumps out of the truck with some smuggled tapes and turns The Magically Loud Boombox on. The least offensive song ever plays. The Magically Loud Boombox carries not only through the parking lot, and in the diner, but into the bathrooms, and a nearby phonebooth.

0:12:41- The Reverend shows up and turns off the music. Obviously. People stare vacantly at him, even indoors rooms away from the Magical Boombox. The Reverend walks off into the night.

0:14:12- Speaking of vacant staring, the entire school stares BC Ren down as he pulls into the parking lot. I don't understand why'd they care so much. If anything, they'd be staring at him because he's in a yellow VW bug, which is the most womanly car they could put a sort of elfin looking actor in. He immediately gets pushed around, until he meets Willard (Chris Penn, pre-fat days). Willard's friend, who we like to call Clark Kent, lurks in the background.

0:15:36- Rusty, foreshadowing her days as Carrie Bradshaw, tells BC Ren that his "tie is fabulous." BC Ren correctly remembers Crazy Ariel's name, which she acknowledges by nonchalantly saying "very good" in a mean voice that really means "soon, we will be hooking up."

0:17:38- BC Ren tells Willard a story about some hooker of a girl, named Ginger, that BC Ren danced with in a club, that is actually false but still funny. The point is: BC Ren loves to dance. Rusty, Willard, and Clark Kent match BC Ren's story and raise him the story behind why dancing is outlawed. Some kids were driving drunk, died, and the town blamed music and dancing.

0:21:23- Crazy Ariel apologizes to her father for the other night. This is entirely out of character with the rest of the film. He's kind of an ass about it, though, so maybe that's what shifts her into complete crazy mode.

0:23:23- BC Ren and Hot Chuck square off in the school parking lot after a near fender bender. See, the excitement! The daring! Hot Chuck: "Hey, what happened to your tie? I thought only pansies wore neckties." BC Ren: "And I thought only assholes used the word pansy." Hot Chuck, I'm afraid you're already fighting a losing battle, sir. Willard warns BC Ren about Hot Chuck.

0:24:42- After getting a job at a mill-type place and getting the traditional You're an Outsider, Boy speech, BC Ren looks up to find a leg wearing red boots and jeans. Crazy Ariel, in a hideous fringed leather jacket, tells BC Ren that BC Ren has been challenged by Hot Chuck to some sort of duel in one of the Cranstons' fields.

0:26:06- BC Ren is a gymnast. I don't think they could have picked anything gayer than that. Willard informs Crazy Ariel tries really hard to look tough, and that she's been around the block but is not really all that hardcore. He's wrong there. Really, really wrong.

0:26:47- Immediate cut to Ariel and a shirtless Hot Chuck who have clearly just had sex. "Been kissed a lot," my ass, Willard. They banter about her red boots and then exposits that she is going to college, damn it. She may not be Big City Ariel, but, as God is her witness, she will not be Small Town Ariel.

0:28:33- Hot Chuck and BC Ren PLAY TRACTOR CHICKEN! This scene also features: implied marijuana use by Hot Chuck, a shot of Crazy Ariel that makes her look horribly anorexic, amusing banter from Clark Kent, a really gay salmon sweatshirt that BC Ren wears, and the Magical Boombox playing Bonnie Taylor's "I Need a Hero." BC Ren drives horribly, tries to stop, gets his shoes caught, but wins out in the end, leaving Hot Chuck to bail out and swim.

0:32:02- Rusty gives Crazy Ariel the low down about BC Ren, managing to use the phrases "get your dogs barking" and "curl your toes" which were never again used in actual conversation.

0:33:23- Some kid with emo hair offers BC Ren a joint, which he refuses infront of a teacher with a porn 'stache, who then runs in and chases Emo Hair and Ren to the bathroom where BC Ren flushes the joint. Pornstache then, like, jumps on top of BC Ren and tells him that he's going to get him- extremely appropriate behavior from an educator. BC Ren then gets bitched out by his uncle, who's heard that there have been drugs at the school, and TRACTOR RACING. Ren leaves in fit of awesome.

0:35:54- Okay, everybody, get ready. First, BC Ren hops out of the car in a warehouse and is revealed to be both smoking and drinking a beer while driving. Excellent. He pops in a tape and jumps out the car to dance about the warehouse in skin-tight jeans and a wife beater. My favorite part, personally, is when he flips around on this wall with a heaving chest like a woman. Other part that's fun: when he swings on a large cable that may or may not be secure. Naturally, just as he's jumping on his car to dance some more, Crazy Ariel pops out from the shadows cheering.

0:38:50- Creepiest exchange ever recorded on film: Ren gets into his car and Crazy Ariel runs around to the other side and puts her head in the open window, asking with wide, wide eyes: "Do you want to kiss me?" His reply: "Someday." It's very uncomfortable. She wants to dwell on the awkwardness and gets in the car. He basically calls her a slut.

0:40:09- "Wanna see something?" You know, Crazy Ariel, that sounded like it was dirty, not some hollowed out railcar with poems and lyrics and junk written on the walls. Of course, the first thing she shows him is a dirty poem she wrote. Okay, Ariel, you get some points back. She gets a glint in her eye, as some would call it "insanity," as the train approaches. She jumps out on the tracks and stands and screams like a movie. BC Ren dives to push her out of the way. They lay around but do not kiss.

0:43:10- The Reverend catches his crazy daughter sneaking in. She wasn't drinking, having sex, or dancing. Tonight, anyway. But she was out with Ol' Big City Ren.

0:45:00- BC Ren's been kicked off the gymnastics team for keeping Crazy Ariel out too late. Some fools drive by and laugh at Ren for getting kicked off. This seems dumb to me; they'd totally be calling him a fag for being on the gymnastics team to begin with. Willard unknowingly gives Ren an idea. To get back at the Reverend, they're going to have a dance! Way to stick it to the man, Ren. The man, however, is lame, as he proves over and over again in some practiced I'm Too Good For You People...I Mean, God Loves Us speech to various church groups.

Tomorrow: the second half.

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LIVEBLOG: Pistons-Cavs Game 4

8:50- Alright, we're at the beginning of the second quarter, it's Cavs 26, Pistons 24. Pavlovic decides to dive, like, horizontally and attempt a shot. Billups responds with a three and Cleveland turns it over two times with consecutive walks. Chauncey's all over the place tonight- fifteen points already.

8:54- Daniel Gibson, the rookie from Texas if you will, looks like Chris Brown. Well, I'm not really sure that's true, but he certainly looks like what I imagine Chris Brown looks like. On a note from the other night: I can't believe they call this stadium "The Q." That's the lamest thing I've ever heard.

8:58- Daniel Gibson, the rookie from Texas, feeds LeBron James with a huge dunk on a fast break. Cavs 32, Pistons 29 with to 8:45 go. Daniel mistakingly believes that everyone "loves" LeBron James. False, sir. This game is sort of painful to watch; perhaps, my ability to tolerate atrocious eastern conference games has finally been saturated.

9:05- Okay, I've switched to the last two innings of the Giants-Mets game. It's tied at three in the top of the eighth.

9:13- I can finally type again. Other people were in the room and, because I'm twelve, I didn't want anyone getting suspiscious about what...

9:30- ...I'm doing. Clearly, I have issues. Well, we're in the bottom of the ninth at Shea with one out and David Wright up to bat. In other news, the Cavs are up 50-43 at the half. Oh, wow. The Giants' reliever, Coretta has a mullet with his fine, straight, blonde little girl hair. Wright hits the ball just off the top of the fence and grins after Fred Lewis nearly catches it but fails. A weird shot immediately follows in which Beltran and someone else stared silently at Fred Lewis.

9:36- The Giants walk Lo Duca, the crying wonder, and get Damon Easley to pop up, bringing JULIO FRANCO with two outs in the bottom of the ninth with runners on first and second. What do Julio Franco, Michael Jackson, Madonna, and my mother have in common? They were all born in 1958. He hits a hard grounder up the middle, Omar Vizquel dives behind the bag and tosses it over his shoulder to get the out at second, ending the inning and sending it into extra innings. Omar and Julio's combined age: 88.

9:41- "You can tell by the crowd who's coming out to hit: Barry Bonds." Many people boo. Were I there, I would join in. But first, Fred Lewis is up. He hit for the cycle a few weeks ago in only his 16th big league game and strongly resembles Kenny Lofton.

9:43- The boos are extremely loud. Best crowd shot is definitely a boy holding up a poster that reads: "B*NDS" while holding a camera to take pictures of Bonds. Barry walks; people boo.

9:48- Bonds must be telling Carlos Delgado one hell of a story. He's, like, rambling to Carlos over there at first. Frandsen drives the ball to right where it tags the chalk, barely, and hops out for a standup double that sends Barry to third. Guess Barry didn't get to finish the story, which I'm sure was more like "Howareyouthatsgood. I'M GOOD. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME" than an actual story with a beginning and end.

9:53- Pitching change: Heilman for the Mets comes in with two outs and runners on second and third. Aurelia lines out to second.

9:57- Russ Ortiz comes out the bullpen in the bottom of the tenth. Old Russ just loves to walk people and has a 5.38 ERA. This should go well for the Giants. Jose Reyes walks. Um, wow. The Sportscenter minute brings us Shawn Hill stealing home for the go ahead run off Andy Pettite in the Yankees-Jays game. I would enjoy seeing Jose do something similar. My fantasy team would also enjoy seeing Jose do something similar. His 28 stolen bases are more than 16 teams.

10:01- I like Bengie Molina's helmet with GIANTS up both ways along the mask. Apparently Russ Ortiz is going to keep trying to pick Jose off. 'Tis a foolish enterprise. Fool. Reyes takes off but Chavez fouls it off. Chavez grounds into a fielder's choice. EXCELLENT, CHAVEZ.

10:04- Beltran's now up with Chavez on first and two outs. 3-0 to Beltran. There is a small debate about giving Beltran the green light on 3-0; personally, after watching him choke last year against St. Louis in the NLCS, I'm giving him the take sign and moving a runner into scoring position with Carlos Number 2 up to bat. Count goes full to Beltran (shocker), but walks him with a pitch in the dirt (again, shocker). Delgado comes up with runnners on first and second, two outs, and the outfield playing shallow and a shift on with second base playing shallow right.

10:09- I switch over to Step Up briefly to watch Channing Tatum kiss the girl in that movie and then be awkward. Heeee.Carlos Delgado is now on first. Whoops. So, bases loaded with David Wright up to bat with two outs in the bottom of the tenth and the ability to win the game. Although he's very good looking he has some Sesame Street Bert eyebrows going on. He lines the ball to center- I mean, crushes it- but the centerfielder makes a great play to end the inning.

10:14- It's unclear why I have such a strong devotion to Step Up. I mean, Channing Tatum, yes. Obviously. But other than that, I can't quite figure out why I enjoy it so much. I don't watch it to mock it or marvel at its magnificence, both of which I do when I watch Footloose. Well, the one big exception is when Tyler's friend inspires him after Skinny's death to do better with their lives for their mothers, themselves, and for poor dead Skinny, and it is at that point that I yelll to my brother (who loves this movie as well) "Do you know how Tyler's going to do better? BY DANCING!" Oh, and Gay Daniel, the dancer with the sprained ankle- he's fun to laugh at too. The makeup that Nora, who is Channing Tatum's actual girlfriend in real life, is heinously eighties. She looks much, much better without it. I don't particularly care when Skinny dies, I giggle endlessly when Nora's mother tearfully shouts "BRAVO! BRAVO!" and I totally feel like Tyler's friend is the least street actor to ever play a supposedly street character. And yet, I love it. The dancing and the music (especially the editing on "I'mma Shine" in the movie with Nora's badass dancing and Tyler hanging out before Skinnny's intimely death) are fantastic, I know that. And, most importantly, Channing Tatum is in it and has that "Now, THERE is a MAN" quality that I like so much.

10:20- Anyway 3 up, 3 down in the top of the eleventh.

10:26- Lo Duca, he of the trade deadline crying, gets all huffy after a bad call and strikes out swinging. We get the slo-mo shot of him screaming "FUCK." Very classy, ESPN. He balls up in the corner of the dugout with his shinguard cover legs pulled up to his chest. Why don't you cry, Paul? Andy Roddick lost to somebody named Igor today at the French Open.

10:29- Two outs and a full count with Jose Reyes up. Anything can happen when the most explosive player in the game is up. Tim Lincecum, who I actually look older than, is still in the Giants dugout, which is cute. Reyes singles through the 5-6 hole. Ben Johnson is up. My brother plays baseball with a kid named Ben Johnson who is one half of the Langley High School Class of 2010 Annual Notoriously Gross PDA Couple. Old B-Money. While this is exciting, I have to switch over to watch the final scene of Step Up.

10:34- Unrealistic Moment of this Film #872- When Nora announces to her backup dancers that they are returning to the old dance and they cheer loudly. Though, it certainly is better, you know they'd be like "Goddamnit, Nora, we just spent a week learning a whole new freaking dance." And here it comes, "BRAVOOOOO!" Ha! That woman looks nothing like her supposed daughter.

10:39- Well, now that Tyler and Nora have made up, we're back with the Giants and the Mets where we've got Vizquel on first (who was walked apparently), no outs, and Fred Lewis bunting. He puts the bunt down and Vizquel moves to third. Dusty Baker appropriately recognizes that it is not Brian Cashman's fault, but the atrocious underachieving Yankee players like: Abreu (horrible), Giambi (injured and bad), Mussina (injured and bad), Matsui (old and bad), Damon (injured and horrible), Cano (bad).

10:44- Because the Mets-Giants game may never end, I've switched back over to the Pistons-Cavs game where Cleveland is up 85-79 with 3:38 to go. LeBron James hits a fadeaway jumper for three and confetti shoots up in front of the camera. Well, in my absence, the Giants scored after Delgado got the out at first and then threw home where Lo Duca made a marginal effort at tagging a forty year-old man.

10:49- Reyes is up again, against Armando Benitez the former Mets closer, who has gone full to Reyes and is not the old flamethrower he used to be.

10:52- Reyes walks. Endy Chavez, who's 0-5 tonight, is showing bunt. Benitez BALKS; Mets fans go CRAZY. Reyes is now on second with no outs.

10:55- Back in Cleveland, the Pistons have pulled within four with a minute-thirty to go and posession after Daniel Gibson, TRfT, is stripped of the ball. In New York, Chavez apparently bunted Reyes over to third; Carlos Beltran grounds out to second because he's a choker. Carlos 2 is up with two down in the 12th and Reyes on third.

10:57- BENITEZ BALKS AGAIN. Reyes comes in to tie the game, after he jumps around and distracts ol' Armando. Two balks in one inning! Ridiculous. Well. Tie game, in the bottom of the twelfth, with Carlos Delgado up. Score check: Cavs 88, Pistons 85 with 1:02 to go.

10:59- CARLOS DELGADO WALK OFF HOME RUN TO STRAIGHT CENTER. Mets 5, Giants 4 in 12.

11:00- Cleveland ball; Daniel Gibson TRfT inbounds to LeBron who passes into Gooden whose shot is blocked by Tayshaun Prince. Billups pulls up off balance for the three under coverage, Cavs get the rebound and the foul. LeBron misses for three, there is scrambling for the rebound and Eric Snow goes to the line after Rip is called for a push foul. Cleveland 89, Pistons 85 with 18 seconds to go.

11:05- Chauncey dribbles around for a long time, misses, McDyess taps it in with 5 seconds left. On the inbound, they foul LeBron James. He sinks the first one to give the Cavs a three point lead with 4 seconds to go. He nails the second. I get a little upset, because this gives a four point lead. The Pistons call a time out and I believe I see LeBron tell Drew Gooden "don't fuck this up." Dirrrty Rasheed misses. Cavs win. Damn.

Final Score: Cavs 91, Pistons
Series: Even.

Final Score: Mets 5, Giants 4.

Final Score: Channing Tatum Infinity, Everyone Else 0.

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LIVEBLOG: Spurs-Jazz Game 4

10:00- Well, Friends beckoned and I missed almost the entire first half of the Jazz-Spurs game. The first thing I hear? Europe has apparently adopted Argentina and brought it across the Atlantic for a little Daisy Miller sort of adventure. You see, Oberto played 12 years in Europe, 5 of them in Argentina.

10:03- The excellence of commentary carries on: "The Spurs just executing the Jazz to death right now." The pun seems unintentional. Spurs 46, Jazz 37 with 2:53 to go in the first half.

10:07- The excellence has been explained: we're with Mike Breen, Mark Jackson, and Jeff Van Gundy. NBA commentary is nothing without Marv Albert, obviously, but Jesus, Mark, Tony Parker and Chauncey Billups are not better point guards than Chris Paul. Tony Parker is French- or as we sometimes say, of the country adjacent to Argentina- and Chauncey is a shoot first guard. Steve Finley hits a three.

10:11- Oberto's hair situation is really a mystery to me. It appears that instead of, say, pre-wrap or a sweatband, he has pushed his long greasy hair back with a string/band of hair. A charge is called on Milsap mostly because Ginobli flies across the floor like he was shot. Well, it's half time and that's always painful for me so I'm switching to some Tivo'd Law & Order.

10:15- Ah, pregnant couple bickering and gun shots. Not related. Nevermind, I've seen this one, so on to the next one. Oh man, blood trail to a crib. I think Law & Order is insinuating that now is not the ideal time for me to have a child. I do the Law & Order theme song dance about the room, and celebrate the fact that this is a Abbie "Texas Justice" Carmichael episode, but sadly is not a Benjamin "So, So, So Hot" Bratt episode. I personally think they employed Angie Harmon and Benjamin Bratt just in an attempt to hire the most attractive people possible.

10:20- Well, they've now taken the father of the baby into the interrogation room, but clearly he didn't do it. The first person they question never, ever did it. Jimmy, the baby's father, is a God-fearing man evidently with the lighting of the candles and praying and gentle words of the Catholic elderly woman.

10:25- We meet Mitch who has approximately 856,942 earrings. Aw, Amy thinks Jimmy has the baby and sounds like she's twelve. AHHH, WAY TOO CLOSE CLOSE-UP ON MITCH. TOO MANY EARRINGS. Amy was an irresponsible parent- leaving the baby while she went to get a cigarrette, but they'll always have Paris.

10:29- The baby, Kyle, will be found soon. The music is a-flaring and search warrants are a-issued. Oh, man. The little baby bones are on the autopsy table and Abbie nearly cries. Dude, this episode is going to kick ass.

10:32- The baby starved to death over...seven weeks? Amy apparently bled on the baby...after it was dead? ...On his forehead and hands? What the hell is going on? Somebody better get the goddamn death penalty here, I mean, you know Jack and Abbie will push for Murder I. Apparently, Amy resented breast feeding her child.

10:36- Here's why I love Abbie Carmichael: She wants to kick Amy's ass and cites how women have made reproductive rights their own responsibility and should have to back that up. And Jack is making Abbie argue the case. The judge decides that no jury is going be able to get over how horrifying the pictures of the dead baby are, so we've got a bench trial.

10:44- The defense makes a decent point with the coroner and Abbie slams the door on the redirect. Oh, no. The music flares up when the defense starts questioning the husband and he starts crying about how he didn't do anything. Now we're off on the Crusade of Breast Feeding.

10:51- Aw, Jack and Abbie are having a heart to heart about her nervousness. Jack elects to be good cop for once. Amy's on the stand; that seems ill-advised. "She made me feel like I was a bad mother"? You are a bad mother, Amy. Oh, I'm sorry, I mispoke: were. The baby's dead.

10:56- Abbie has totally driven the point about Amy sucking as a mother home. She went bad cop on Amy's ass. My girl crush on Abbie Carmichael has only increased. The defense presents her closing argument and the judge looks on sort of perturbed. Abbie jumps up on the awesome train and says: "It is irrelevant whether she is too young to be a mother, because the same law that allowed the defendant to choose whether or not to have a child, holds her to take care of and protect that child." No. Amy gets Man 2 and 1 and half to 4 years in prison. Boo. Time to go back to the game.

11:01- The trailer for Transformers has been spliced into clips from the Spurs-Jazz series. Tim Duncan may seem like a mild-mannered geek but in actuality he is a car that turns into a ROBOT. Jerry Sloan flaps his arms around after Milsap gets called for a blocking foul and gets a T, which sends Ginobli to the line. Spurs 65, Jazz 62 with 10:56 to go.

11:07- Big Shot Rob gets called for a charge after his elbow lightly grazes Milsap. This is immediately followed with an illegal pick. Seriously, this is worse than girls lacrosse. It's like they're playing freeze tag. We get some side by side shots of Mehmet Okur and Tim Duncan like they're going to debate gay marriage or, okay, network television's never that serious. Like they're getting ready to debate Mary Cheney's baby's paternity and its relationship to Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

11:10- Jacque Vaughn steals the ball from The Wonderful, Amazing, Fantastic, Beautiful Deron Williams. The announcers just love some of these guys to death. Okay, this Wendy's commercial where everyone's kicking the trees seems to imply that Wendy's burgers are not frozen. How do they get those burgers there on a daily basis? Go to the grocery store? Keep a herd of cattle in the drive-thru at night? Does Dave Thomas use heavenly powers to transport fresh ground beef? I'm just curious.

11:15- Mehmet really needs to trim the hair up in the back. And grow a chin. Duncan hits both of his free throws to make it Spurs 74, Jazz 68 with 6:38 to go.

11:17- "Oh, WHAT A FEED. WE ARE WITNESSING THE EMERGENCE OF A SUPERSTAR": Deron Williams makes a routine bounce pass to an extremely open Kirilenko. Mike needs to chill a bit. NASCAR commercial, which reminds me: I did not enjoy the Washington Post's puff piece on Dale Earnhardt Jr. this weekend. Liz Clarke began the article detailing the loving relationship that he and his sister have and told us how they have been pitted against their "domineering stepmother." The fact that Dale's sister is "looking after him still" because Dale Sr. left basically every asset he had- including the rights to his name, complete ownership of his company, all his real estate, and his seats on the NYSE and the Amex- to his wife, seems to negate that "Dale Jr. just wants to be loved" story. He just wants MONEY. The birds are not outside their windows madly making dresses and helping sweep the floors until the glass slipper arives. Why would Teresa give a controlling interest (which is what he was demanding) in the company she already owns to a high school drop out whose business manager is his sister? ARGH. I don't even care if Teresa's an ice cold bitch (actually, I do. As a frosty bitch, I think we all need to stick together), I'm on her side.

11:25- Derek Fisher fouls Ginobli outside the arc like an idiot snapping me out of my rant against Dale Earnhardt Jr. Spurs 82, Jazz 72 with 3:22 to go. The Spurs are dominating to a incredible degree when in the lead in the fourth quarter. They do not choke.

11:28- Ginobli falls to the floor, goes to the line. Carlos Boozer of the Hotttness gets the foul. Derek Fisher gets a T after Ginobli flops after he elbows Fisher.

11:32- Linda Cohn pops up to give us the Sportscenter minute in an outfit that defies ugliness. She's got an poorly tailored green blazer that has two peculiarly placed pockets- like, collarbone pockets- with a really horrifying black and gray floral print skirt, and fried blond hair. Jerry Sloan has been ejected during the commercial break. Mehmet Okur soon fouls out.

11:37- Derek Fisher gets thrown out of the game after a hard foul on Ginobli. But, hell, a kitten could put a hard foul on Manu Ginobli. The fans are either chanting "Refs, you suck" or "Tim, you suck." The Jazz are blessedly not fouling, and let the game end quickly. No post-game interviews from a sharply dressed Michelle Tafoya as the White People throw stuff on the floor. Time for more Law & Order.

Final Score: Spurs 91, Jazz 79.
Series: Spurs 3, Jazz 1.

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LIVEBLOG: Pistons-Cavs Game 3

8:42- Cleveland is up 7-0 with 8:48 to go in the first. Apparently, LeBron James worked out hard for hours against the advice of everyone in a ten mile radius with a brain. To demonstrate further his incompetency, he wore some sweatpant gouchos. He's scored 5 points, but...it's not as though he's been known for his fourth quarters as of late.

8:45- Illgauskus, excepting the fact that he's 7 feet tall, looks like some sort of an 37 year-old, balding accountant. Has Chris Webber always played with the number 84? That's extremely high- a "fitting" jersey, if you will. Sorry. Rasheed plays with his back to the basket, makes the shot and one, to a chorus of boos. Dear Cleveland, booing Rasheed is ill-advised. First of all, he's nasty and will destroy this game if you aren't careful. Second, he knows people who can "take care" of things, if you will. Hell, he is one of those people.

8:49- More debris falls from the ceilling, somebody Swiffers it away, bringing my attention to the peculiar wood situation on the Cavs' court. The lane is the smae ugly light wood color that the center of the court- outside of the lane- but inside the arc, it's darker and pretty. Rasheed over Shirley Temple Varejao. The Accountant responds.

8:55- Holly Hunter's TNT series about God implies, with the use of Leann Rimes singing Amazing Grace, that she once was lost but now is found, was blind but now can see. The biggest sign that she once was, and possibly still is, lost and blind? The tiny, ill-advised braids in her hair; that's more than the Jack Daniels talking there. Webber knocks in a few off some offensive rebounds, either Steve Kerr (whose name I keep typing "Stever") or Doug Collins starts lamenting that Tayshaun Prince has been unable to score because he has to contend with Webber for points. Um, Stever and/or Doug? The important thing is that they're scoring. Cleveland 18, Detroit 15 with 1:27 to go.

9:00- Larry Hughes is limping in that ugly Skip-to-my-Lou sort of way. Shirley egregiously misses a very simple putback and then fouls Rasheed who nails his free throws. Shirley slaps around Chris Webber after Chris picks up the offensive board on a LeBron drive into double coverage. Chris ties up the game, but not before looking like he's going to cry at the line. Tied at 22 at the end of the first quarter.

9:08- HAHAHA. Let's show clips of CHRIS WEBBER and RASHEED WALLACE when they were on the WIZARDS TOGETHER. HAHAHA. HOW ABOUT RIP HAMILTON GIVING A CAPITOL DOME TOUR OR SOMETHING? LARRY HUGHES AT A NATS GAME? STOP MOCKING US, TNT.

9:12- Daniel Gibson drains a three on an assist from a double teamed LeBron. I feel really bad for all those kids in the McDonald's ad who are running around, yelling in different languages in rabid excitement that Dad is bringing McDonald's. You really have to wonder what sort of Oliver Twist situation they've got going on most of the time. Tayshaun Prince ties the game at 29 with a three, which he follows up with denying LeBron a shot. Mike Murray, who's at the line, has a really charming tattoo where there is an F in the Superman logo which seems vaguely dirty.

9:18- Drew Gooden's neck's moustache makes a few field goals. Not only is he weird looking- the guy always looks like he hasn't slept in days- he has the weirdest, most frightening hair situation I have ever seen. Detroit 37, Cleveland 35 with 5:38 to go.

9:25- Flip Saunders has way, way too much going on with his pinstipe suit, striped shirt, and striped tie. He looks like he walked through some kind of Alice in Wonderland mirror or something. Delfino, he of the sketchy hot, goes super cas and hits a jumper.

9:29- Things you don't often hear about NBA players: "McDyess, one of those guys who thinks to much..." LeBron hits a turnaround, fadeaway jumper at the shot clock buzzer and then stares at the ceiling. This means one of three things: a. he's watching the replay (likely), b. he's thanking God (unlikely), c. he fears the falling debris.

9:32- Delfino inbounds the ball, but decides to do a little shimmy before doing so. Having recently watched Step Up (okay, like three times in the past week), I can only wish that he were Channing Tatum. LeBron drives into the lane and gets body checked in the air by Murray. He makes both free throws; Cleveland 44, Detroit 43 with 1:45 to go.

9:36- LeBron makes a nice move inside and finishes with a little reverse layup on the baseline when he's double teamed. Cleveland finishes with a 9-2 run. Cleveland 46, Detroit 43 at the half. Notably LeBron has score 19 points, which is precisely the amount of Game 2 at the half. I must now change to Sunday Night Baseball because the TNT Halftime show makes me search desperately for sharp objects to kill myself with. Excellent. I forgot that Joe Morgan is involved with Sunday Night Baseball. Where are those sharp objects?

9:44- Granderson nails a perfect sinker on the low outside corner for a double. Craig Monroe, the streakiest hitter alive currently wrecking my fantasy team's average, grounds out to short. Joe gets super excited about watching Gary Sheffield hit. I've never actually seen Sheffield get a hit in a live game, despite endless Braves games that I watched; I am not as excited. My streak continues as Sheffield grounds out.

9:49- It just now occurs to me that this too is a Cleveland-Detroit game. I mean, I realized that the Tigers and Indians were playing, but the connection wasn't quite there. Arguably, this is actually a game between two relatively better teams- the Indians and Tigers are, with the Mets and Red Sox, two of the best teams in the league, while the Pistons and particularly the Cavs are not on the same level as the Spurs, Suns, and Mavs. Ryan Garko walks, is hot. Of course, Trot Nixon is there to ground into another double play and end the inning.

9:55- Hot Ryan makes a fantastic grab at first but then tries to throw at Carmona, rather than the bag, and throws it away. Pudge hits a slow roller to third and gets on with an infield hit- runners on first and second. 3-6-1 double play. Nice job, boys. Indians 5, Tigers 3 in the bottom of the sixth. Time to return to the playoffs, however. I wish you luck Hot Ryan.

9:59- LeBron makes a filthy drive inside and tries to finish with a reverse and misses, but still picks up the foul off of Chris Webber- his fourth, McDyess enters the game for him. The PA announces the jump ball very quickly and very loudly "JUMPBALL" and then goes quiet.

10:04- The Accountant has scored six unanswered points (as well as your social security number and Swiss bank account information). He apparently has been shooting 91% from the line since some point, which is absurd, because he's a giant and should have the coordination of a six year-old.

10:05- Rasheed has answered with back-to-back three pointers. Dirrrty, as usual. I keep waiting for Marv Albert to say "FROM DOWNTOWN" as he was so fond of saying on NBA Live '94 on the Sega platform. The Neck Mustache, which is horrifying in High Definition, gets called for a T. Cavs 55, Pistons 52 with 5:50 to go in the third.

10:08- Dirrrty Rasheed misses a three, McDyess grabs the offensive board, sends it to Billups who nails it from where, Marv? "FROM DOWNTOWN." I'm so glad he said it. Cleveland turns the ball over again, McDyess puts it in and we have now seen a 12-2 run from the Pistons. Okay, I do not understand these Jeep Patriot commercials where the girl plucks the wolf from the cliff as though she is really, really large person or as if it is a tiny toy wolf and puts it in the boat.

10:11- Stop pushing the WNBA upon us, NBA. Especially with the "Have you seen her?" ad campaign. No, I haven't seen her because the WNBA is atrociously boring and I don't want to see her. Pavlovic nails a three.

10:14- LeBron attempts to shoot while diving out of bounds and The Accountant nearly goaltends. Rasheed hits a turnaround fadeaway that is so smooth and dry, it's almost champagne. LeBron has only taken one shot in the third quarter, and it was nearly out of bounds. I bet he's glad he worked out so long before the game. TNT: "40 GAMES. 40 NIGHTS." Translation: Much like the flood Noah suffered through, the NBA playoffs has been long and painful and will continue to be so. We apologize for the ensuing Pistons-Spurs Series.

10:21- LeBron. If there are four defenders before you, someone is open. Tayshaun Prince gives the Pistons a 63-62 lead with a minute to go in the third. Shirley dribbles around casually with two seconds, unaware that time has not stopped and two seconds is a short amount of time.

10:38- I return from picking up my brother and getting a piece of freshly baked, completely from scratch cherry pie. Naturally, TNT has informed us that Larry Hughes is one of only two players to play with both LeBron James and Michael Jordan. WE'VE GOT IT, TNT. THE WIZARDS SUCK, OKAY. Hamilton makes a nice move inside and ties the game at 68 with 7:40 to go.

10:41- LeBron takes three beautiful steps to make a "beautiful move" and get the beautiful foul. He misses at the beautiful line. The Cavs are now up by two, but their fans? Flipping out.

10:46- LeBron may actually get to a triple-double tonight which would be actually tapping his potential for once. Hee. Tapping. Chris "Needs Some Paxil" Webber draws foul off of The Accountant and hits both the free throws; Cavs 74, Pistons 70 with 5:oo to go. Because there just isn't enough sketch in this game, we shoot over to Kid Rock who is wearing a horrifying white fedora.

10:50- Gibson, whose full name is apparently "Daniel Gibson, the rookie from Texas," drains a three pointer to give the Cavs a five point lead with 4:12 to go. Billups and The Accountant begin trading three pointers, with LeBron jumping in to contribute. Apparently doing absolutely nothing in the third has left him with a ton of energy for the fourth.

10:55- Tiny, ugly braids aside, "Saving Grace" looks a lot more promising than "Heartland." The PA announcer in the "Quicken Loans Arena" is actually the Kool-Aid pitcher. "OH YEAH. OH YEAH. THE CAVS. OH YEAH." Cavs 84, Pistons 80 with 1:26 to go. Come on, Pistons, I don't even like you, but seriously let's go.

11:01- Weird close up on LeBron's face where he has some shifty eyes going like we're in the moment of realization in a soap opera. Chauncey hits a HUGE shot to make it 84-82 with half a minute to go. EW. TAKE DAVID BLAINE AWAY.

11:04- LeBron shockingly drains a huge shot to make it 86-82 with 16.3 seconds to go. The lights in "The Q" go all disco on us. Tayshaun Prince misses for three and The Neck Moustache is fouled with 6.3 seconds to go. Having actually gotten the score up in the high eighties, the Cavs have actually played this game to their advantage. "Look at [LeBron] in the huddle. Look at the leadership" cut to a shot of LeBron literally screaming at his teammates. Yes, look at the leadership.

Final Score: Cavs 88, Pistons 82.
Series: Pistons 2, Cavs 1.

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LIVEBLOG: Cavs-Pistons

9:56- Okay, we've got six to go in the third; Cavs 54, Pistons 49. Varejao and his bouncing ringlets of hair enter the game. This feels like more of the international-may-as-well-be-soccer influence waving around in the Motor City air like the Brazilian flag. It's all very reminiscent of Shirley Temple.

10:00- Shirley gets stuffed twice by the Pistons.

10:03- LeBron decides to pass through three defenders on the baseline to Shirley. This is ill-advised. The Pistons respond with their own tomfoolery by letting Chris "The Healing Powers of Playing with a Good Team" Webber touch the ball. Shirley rolls around on the ground and picks it up.

10:07- Well, the Pistons are only trailing by one and LeBron has only taken one shot in the third. It seems like the magical word "correlation" may apply here.

10:11- Daniel Gibson sinks a three- he's a rookie, apparently, and looks like it. Richard Hamilton makes me cry a bit on the inside. He was a great player the Wizards decided wasn't good enough, who then joined the Pistons and led them to an NBA championship. Also used to play for the Wizards: Larry Hughes, Chris Webber, and Rasheed Wallace. ARGH. Rip makes his two free throws to tie it up and the TNT scoreboard makes its weird chime noise...where are we? In a pinball machine?

10:16- What I Really, REALLY Want to See: Knocked Up. What I REALLY, REALLY Never Want to See Again: Another ad for Tyler Perry's "House of Pain." The playoffs have been a HOUSE OF PAIN having to watch those ads. Gary Sheffield is at the game wearing a black fisherman's hat.

10:19- Delfino nails a three. His hair constantly perplexes me. It somehow stays so flippy and good. Billups fouls Shirley. Oh, Chaunce. He goes to the line, hits both. Chauncey makes up for it by going down the floor and banking a three. Cavs 67, Pistons 65 with 9:20 to go in the fourth. This series has the distinction of my not really caring one way or the other. I wanted Chicago to pull a Red Sox on Detroit, and I was ambivalent about the Nets-Cavs series.

10:23- Donyell Marshall misses a three. That seems familiar, I wonder why? I also wonder why Donyell continues to fight a losing battle against his hairline with cornrows. And why there isn't an apostrophe in Donyell. It seems like it should have one. Don'Yell. Nevermind, just kidding.

10:26- Each time I see the promotion for The Closer, I want to watch that show less and less. "THEY MURDERED MY SON." This does not pique my interest after the 8,000,000th time. Nor does the phrase "The drama of solving a crime comes from finding justice for someone's who's seeking it." What about those who aren't seeking it? What then? While I always have an interest in watching Kevin Bacon in Footloose, I don't feel the same way towards his wife.

10:28- Rasheed nails a filthy shot and then gets to bop Shirley on the head after Shirley's called, correctly, for a travel. Rasheed! DRAINS a three. Just filthy. Kasey Kahne, who always looks like he's just come in from making toys on the North Pole, is appropriately in a Vitamin Water commercial on some snowy mountain. Nowhere near as good as the ad with David Ortiz and

10:34- LeBron passes to the Pistons' bench. "The Pistons just have so many options to go to"...EVEN THEIR BENCH IS OPEN! Oh wait. Rip Hamilton hits a nice shot; Pistons 74, Cavs 69 with 4:57 to go.

10:38- Well, ask and ye shall receive. New and different commercial for The Closer. Still looks dumb, though. Tayshaun "Go-Go Gadget Arms!" Prince jumps up, misses, loses the ball, and almost wastes a great block by Antonio McDyess by trying to lose it again. Rasheed gets called for his third after LeBron pushes him. The quality of officiating maintains its remarkable clarity, consistency, and sharpness.

10:43- Shot to the Pistons bench where Delfino is giving a very sketchy, very Edgerrin James "Sup, baaaaabbbyyy, you know, sup, sup, you know" undress-you-with-his-eyes look. Clearly I was just blinded by the hair. Okay. I don't understand the

10:51- INTERNET FRUSTRATION left me unable to comment there for several minutes. So, suddenly, there are 32 seconds left and the Cavs are up 76-75, Detroit ball.

10:54- Delfino and the Sketch comes in for McDyess. Rasheed, nasty as always, hits a fall away over LeBron, giving the Pistons a one point lead with 24 seconds to go.

10:56- Doug Collins appears to be growing straw out of his head- Marv Albert and Steve Kerr, however, have looked the exact same way for the past decade. LeBron gets the ball and holds the ball at the top of the key with Rip guarding him. He drives looking for the foul, doesn't get it because Rip is no fool, and misses the shot. Larry Hughes, another fine Wizard, gets the rebound and misses the follow up, as would any good Washington Wizard not named Gilbert. Shirley follows suit. Detroit picks up that rebound and Mike Brown FLIPS OUT. He gets a T, Billups sinks them, and Rasheed goes to the line.

Detroit wins. Today's lesson: LeBron is only the next Michael Jordan if the last MJ was a choke artist and I missed it. Unless LeBron starts dropping triple-doubles and scoring 40 a night, I'm writing him off and waiting for Kevin Durant.

Final Score: Detroit Pistons 79, Cleveland Cavaliers 76. Series: Detroit 2, Cleveland 0. Looks like the state of Michigan has teamed up with the state of Florida to kick Ohio's ass this year.

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Big NBA Day

Some random thoughts during the fourth quarter of Game 2 of the Jazz-Spurs series:

I still cannot understand how the NBA decided to pick David Blaine as the pitch man for the NBA playoffs. The little rip-off commericals with Jeremy Piven of the too awesome for words Don Cheadle NFL playoff commercials from a few years ago are bad enough. ("The small Canadian man may look like he's auditioning for a Dockers commerical until he beats you off the dribble and goes inside"? Uggghh. I would be frightened if Steve Nash ever made it into a Dockers commerical, and you know what? Entourage sucks. It really does. It's boring, Jeremy. And I don't like the way these commercials are being filmed or the way you're so greasy and smug.)

But David Blaine? DAVID BLAINE? He is the MOST BORINGLY SKETCHY/SKETCHILY BORING person in THIS COUNTRY. Nay, the world! The ads kind of scare me. Especially the one where he has the dolphins talking to each other. I feel dumber just having listened to it. I want to watch basketball, not feel somewhat violated by a "magician" who doesn't blink.

Wilbon said it best the other day in the Post: when has an NBA team worthy of the word "dynasty" being attached to their name, had their biggest star be an actress? Wilbon and Simmons have both written in the past two weeks on how wildly underrated Tim Duncan is and just how good the Spurs are. I mean, I like the Spurs. But seriously. They have a French point guard, Tim Duncan--the best and dorkiest player in the league, a really tall soccer player from Argentina (more on that in a sec), and a lot of role players ranging from Big Shot Rob to Bruce "Chippy" Bowen.

A word on tattoos: I am fascinated by Tim Duncan's back shoulder tattoo. I often find myself wondering what it is, how he decided he needed a tattoo, what he says about it. Carlos Boozer has some good tattoos. He's also wearing good sneekers and is hot in a sort of vaguely threatening way.

Kirilenko and Ginobli go head to head in the international flopping olympics. This is why we really don't need soccer in this country (though I wish we did), because, now, we have faster paced soccer with more scoring and tattoos. AK hooks Ginobli. AK's faux-hawk it probably beating the old bald spot, which is also fasicnating like Tim's tattoo.

Okay, here in minutes 4 to 2 in the fourth, there have been a ridiculous amount of turnovers, poor shooting, and dumb fouls.

Dear. God. Sprite. What. The. Hell. "Sublymonal" advertising...I really don't understand. I mean, I can say that at least it's not dorky like the Gatorade Rain ad where Peyton Manning grows out of a football. Haaaate. Anyway, I don't get the weirdness of the ads. And how LeBron James got mixed up in this acid trip. Seriously, when I think of Sprite, I used to think of a crisp, refreshing, caffeine-free alternative to Cola which always liked less than 7-Up. Now, I think of alarming, technicolor animals prancing around with strange painting and electrucution. Compare that with the all-natural campaign 7-Up's been running. It's like they saw the wholesome, funny ads and were like, "Oh, hell, whatever. Where's that INSANE intern with the Mac we fired last month? Get him in here." And we're back and ESPN is doing the "brought to you by" bit: "SPRITE. Sublymonal advertising. Thank you. And obey." You're not welcome. I said no thank you, sir.

Matt Harping sort of looks like Matt Damon. Manu Ginobli looks quite a bit like one of the brothers who own this Italian restaurant we go to a lot. Good point to mention: Mehmet Okur is this year's winning entry in the Least Likely Name for a White Person Annual Competition. I realize he's foreign, but still.

Utah has the third best record at home. This is not surprising. It must be rather alarming to play there. I've never seen so many white people, wearing baby blue in my life. Thank god they didn't go the Miami route and force white shirts upon people--thus giving the entire stadium a white zombie-ish vibe.

"Poppovich and his star talking there; they have a special relationship. The only coach Duncan has ever had." Cut to a fantastic shot of Poppovich's back as he stands over a sitting Duncan. Nice job, guys. Michelle Tafoya must be a giantess, or on a platform, or in some hooker's pumps. She comes up to Duncan's shoulder. He's 7 feet. That makes her...almost six feet tall? Damn.

They keep replaying the last few picks from the lottery. I watched that tonight after eagerly anticipating it all day. My least favorite part: when they introduced the rep for one team, who was a COO but ESPN's host or whatever announced that this seemingly harmless man had been with the Wizards when they drafted Kwame Brown number one. CAN'T GET AWAY FROM THAT ONE, CAN WE? What was that, ESPN, punishment? Do you hate us, ESPN? Kevin Durant said it himself, he never really had a team growing up because he grew up here, and if we're being honest with ourselves we all kind of denied that we even had a basketball team except when MJ first came back and then Gil finally brought us back some glory. I apologize; I mispoke. "Back" implies that the Bullets/Wizards were at one point good. That would be false.

Also, bad: the Celtics. Sad, sad day for them. They are God-awful and needed a top two pick. It feels likely that they'll make an ill-advised decision like drafting Yi Jianlin. This seems likely. Unless Chicago moves up for him...I feel like Joakim Noah is a good choice for them. Plus, I'd love to see him with an already good team.

Anyway, The Good: Memphis not getting a top three pick. I would have seriously cried if they had gotten Oden or Durant. The Bulls getting the Knicks pick. The expressions of Brandon Roy and that guy from the Sonics after Dominique Wilkins and Atlanta got the third pick (I am positive that they will not use it to draft Conley. That would make way too much sense. They may pick up Acie Law, though). They were visibly like "HEE. WINNER. WINNER. WINNER. HEE." So, anyway, Portland and Seattle. A fine day for the Pacific Northwest, I guess.

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