Mini LiveBlog: The Hills II

Once again, I am lame and for lack of intrigue, we were out getting Ben & Jerry's for my roommate's birthday. Then it was a like mad dash back when we realized it was 9:15 and The Hills was half over.

So, Brody's wearing the shirt that everyone's brother had in the third grade: blue and white striped t-shirt with a thicker yellow stripe going across the chest. Britney Spear's "Gimme More" is playing. Not to pull anybody out of the moment but: that song was released two weeks ago and the production delay on this show is...four months-ish? On the other hand, Britney Spears lost custody of Sean Preston and the other one today, so I'd bet that would take you out of the moment anyway. Or the repressed memories of the VMAs. Thanks, MTV.

Cut to Lo, like, inhaling some guy's face (the helpful naming subtitle: "Brody's Friend." What if frat parties were like that? You turned and you saw "Jess: Katherine's Friend" and "Dan: Random ATO" with, like, "ATO Paint Party" in the left hand corner).

And back over to Brody and LC debating whether or not Brody wants a birthday kiss. Audrina stares at them? It's unclear who she's actually looking at. My money is on them kissing after last week's and like every other week's "next week" in which they kissed. THEY SHOCKINGLY KISS. Audrina has not the decency to do that awkward "Hey, I was just looking over there! And wow, something's caught my interest over here! Because my eyes are just shifty like that!" thing we all do during class when somebody sees you looking at them.

Lo, drunkenly, "You kissed Brody." Ding, ding, ding! Correct!

Heidi and Spencer out to dinner for the anniversary of the apocalypse. Spencer's gross furry beard is coming in very scraggly. He also appears to have forgotten how to blink. I feel like they had dinner in this same booth like three weeks ago. Somebody calls all "Heidi, where the hell are you" because apparently Elodie quit and, in a final bitch move, told Heidi she had the event covered. Heidi says she needs to go; Spencer says she doesn't love him; I hit my head several times on my desk. Business as usual!

Lo hates Justin-Bobby. This is not shocking because Justin-Bobby is gross and obnoxious. Audrina gets all huffy about LC and Lo not liking Justin-Bobby, which is ridiculous, because as Lauren so wonderously said "homeboy wore combat boots to the beach."

LC walks out of the room to go out on the balcony. Audrina leaves. Presumably to just another hotel room, or perhaps her own room, or a vending machine down the hall. It's very dramatic, though, so you can bet she's going with a Snickers and a regular soda.

Brody defends Justin-Bobby to a slightly inebriated Lauren on a gigantic couch. They kind of argue-flirt, and then flirt, and then kiss again. And then we get a very lengthy shot of the strip in Las Vegas with music that's way too Grey's for this show.

"Coming up this season": Sad Jen Bunney sends Lauren a text (a text!), we get to start passing out Clue scorecards to figure out just who started the sex tape rumors (SPENCER in the SPENCER with the SPENCER), and my girl Whitney and Lauren go to NYC for Fashion Week. Most important, though, Heidi and LC. Have. It. Out. I'm legitimately pumped.

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Random Mini LiveBlog: The Hills

I'm anxiously anticipating the moment that Elodie leaps up from behind her desk and assaults Heidi with a stapler. I mean, seriously, Heidi, are you a river boat captain? Is it seer-sucker Thursday out in LA?

Cleaned-up and sober Jason is geeky and sweet in a way he most certainly was not before.

Heidi and Spencer are like our talentless John and Yoko: the obnoxious extreme of pop culture who just keep looking more and more alike. Their problem is that their bitchiness is the least fantastic bitchiness to ever exist. It's tacky, it's unecessary, and...Jesus, I hate Spencer. He's a whiny psychopath that looks like an overgrown toddler alien mouth-breather with heroin addict hair with some of the most ridiculous veneers I've ever seen.

Okay, MTV, this Kaya business honestly is being advertised like Degrassi. If it's 10% as fantastically cheesy and awesome, we'll be straight. But if we get that angsty monologue about "giving them a rockstar" I will not be happy.

Also, Amanda Bynes needs to sue her agent for letting her look so...bloated and orangey in Sydney White. Pre-teen girls like "relatable" actresses, not actually relatable actresses. They want to watch a movie and go "That's what I will look like when I'm in college dating a drrrreeeeaaammmyy boy," as opposed to looking at their friend next to them and saying to themselves "damn, Tay needs highlights just as bad as Amanda Bynes."

YES. ELODIE. Give Heidi the ol' one-two punch in the gut there. I'm frankly surprised this didn't happen seasons ago as Heidi blathered onto you about that dude she used to date who didn't go to school and wore that knit hat all the time. In LA. During, what I seem to recall was the summer. Whitney has a high tolerance for this sort of thing because she's age appropriate, seems nice, and actually works at her job. And naturally, since gossip is what got me through finals week alive last semester, I can sympathize. Still, that girl Audrina bores to tears will probably snap in a few episodes.

The next week's on this show are always about ten times better than the actual show. I'm pumped for Jason getting engaged and Whitney doing shots with that band.

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