KCC V: Don't Blink

The next single off Kenny Chesney's new album is out, assaulting me somedays when I wake up to trot off to class (aside: best song to wake up to is most certainly "Firecracker" by Josh Turner..."pack of black cats in a red paper wrapper," indeed, sir). But, you know, apparently we're all just breathless to hear what Kenny Chesney believes is the philosophy behind the secret to life.

"I turned on the evening news
Saw a old man being interviewed
Turning a hundred and two today
Asked him what's the secret to life
He looked up from his old pipe
Laughed and said 'All I can say is' "

This is obviously the news segment that fell between "Moderately to Wildly Depressing Iraq Update" and "Vegetable/Animal/Mineral from Former Communist Country Kills Child." Just in case you don't comprehend that the one hundred and two year-old man is elderly, Kenny clarifies that he's an "old man" smoking an "old pipe." I also love that "Turning a Hundred and Two" may as well mean "Has the Ark of the Covenant in His Basement."

"Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap
And you wake up and you're twenty-five
And your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink"

Don't blink. That's the secret. It's damn impressive that Voldemort up there is still living after not blinking all these years. By the way, this means that our senior citizen went to sleep during WWI and woke up in the Great Depression. It's like the sadist's version of Rip Van Winkle.

"I was glued to my tv when it looked like he looked at me and said
'Best start putting first things first.'
'Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can't flip it over and start again
Take every breath God gives you for what it's worth"

It's contagious! You watch Emo Rip for two minutes and suddenly you can't close your eyes because they're stuck to the screen! It's also pretty clear that the protagonist here is drunk. How often do people in the television speak directly to you?

"Don't Blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap
And you wake up and you're twenty-five
And your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink"

The waiting until twenty-five to marry a high school sweetheart indicates something besides a long nap, however. Sounds like somebody was incarcerated. Or somebody else was "dancing" a few too many "Charlestons" out past Sister Mary Margaret's curfew. Or, pardon, this is the South, so a few too many hot Carter Family...hoedowns (or "ho-downs" as the case may be). Regardless, even if it takes seven years to marry the girl you dated in high school, remember that it's the only place you'll find a good woman. You wouldn't want her becoming a Lady of a Certain Age.

"So I've been tryin' to slow it down
I've been tryin' to take it in
In this here today, gone tomorrow world we're livin' in"

Less blinking will technically allow you to take more in.

"Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old
And you take a nap
And you wake up and you're twenty-five
And your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster then you think
So don't blink"

Mrs. Emo Rip went first, of course, because the women in Kenny Chesney songs will defy that damn life expectancy tom-foolery. This chorus is precisely the same as the other two, however, so the prevailing message is still: don't blink. Kenny just wanted to make it painfully clear that he's ripping off "One Hundred Years" by Five for Fighting. I just feel like there could have been a lot more options for lyrics in this so--wait, there's one more refrain...

"Naw, don't blink
Life Goes Faster Than You Think
Don't Blink..."

Now, don't blink
He'll put the X in your drink;
That's his kink...

...more words rhyme with "blink" than just "think," Kenny.

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KCC IV: The Woman With You

Sometimes, despite all sorts of advice and prizes to the contrary, women go out and join the workforce. Fortunately, this experience will always be negative and just remind them of how much they need a man in their pitiful, womanly lives. I hate Kenny Chesney for making me sound like a feminist. Mostly, I just hate "The Woman With You" because the opening bars sound like "Anything But Mine," which fools and upsets me, because I love the latter and despise the former. Full disclosure: I actually once liked this song.

"She hit the door, 6:55
Sack full of groceries split down the side
Canned goods scattered all the way to the curb
Look on her face sayin' don't say a word"

You know, her face is probably also saying "Get off your lazy ass and pick up those cans" or "Why aren't you helping me, fool?" Plus, what a terrible day: Campbell's soup all over your front yard, running into your own front door, and realizing that you're still involved with a protagonist in a Kenny Chesney song. "

So it's me and her and a can of beans
Sittin' there on the front porch swing
A western sky all turnin' red
Head on my shoulder, she sighed and said"

Let this be a reminder to all young women with career aspirations: if you stay in the kitchen, you too can eat the meals you prepare. No huddling over a can of beans like you were the church mice in Robin Hood. Another pearl of wisdom that can be gleaned here: when women join the workforce, Armageddon descends approaches from the bloodied Western sky.

"'I've been gopherin' and chauffeurin' company chairman,
Coffee maker, copy repairman
Anymore there ain't nothin' I swear man
That I don't do.'"

Without an additional preposition, "gopherin'...company chairmen" does not make any sense whatsoever, unless, of course, I am mistaken about her implied meaning and she's actually referring to a deviant sexual practice. That might make more sense. After all, there ain't nothin' that she don't do. I think my eyes just bled. Sweetie, if you translate "I have to do everything" into "There ain't nothin' I don't do," then corporate America is not the place for you.

"'Been jugglin', strugglin', closin' big deals
Dancin' backwards in high heels
Just when it feels like I can't make it through'
She said, 'It sure is nice to just be the woman with you.'"

It seems she really is a streetwalker, a lady of the night, a whooooore. This is the only rational explanation for why she would be "juggling," "closing big deals," and "dancing backwards in high heels" in any "working" environment. Actually, even the most hookerish hookers don't know why she's dancing backwards in high heels. That certainly wouldn't be conducive to any sort of corporate work, unless her occupation somehow involves table dancing during board meeting coffee breaks. Maybe it's some sort of circus, with the juggling and all.

Regardless, she just loves being our good ol' boy's woman. I mean, who wouldn't? Working long days at the office, pole dancing through budget meetings, only to rush off to the grocery store, then cook and clean and let some one else make your decisions.

"She said, 'The girl I was with a business degree
Probably wouldn't recognize me.
I was gonna run the bank, I was gonna run them out.
Now all I wanna run is a bubble bath.'"

See, what I mean? This ho was going to rob honest people of their hard-earned dollar, running them out of banks like Bonnie (the gangster, not the Old Barkeep's Wife). Or dollars, as the case may be. But, lest we forget, any woman- even ones with cruel ambitions like these- will see that ambition crushed into tiny, tiny foamy bubbles by the frightening world of gainful employment.

"'Back then, ya' know, I had this plan
Before all this reality set in,
Here comes life, boy, ready or not
Hey, I wanted it all and that's what I got.'"

Oh, I'll bet she had a plan alright. But you know, reality. The reality of being a woman.

"'Cause I'm gopherin' and chauffeurin' company chairman,
Coffee maker, copy repairman,
Anymore there ain't nothin' I swear man that I don't do
I've been jugglin', strugglin', closin' big deals
Dancin' backwards in high heels
Just when it feels like I can't make it through'
She said, 'It sure is nice to just be the woman with you.'"

Man, this fool could save herself some damn time if she just skipped on down to Starbucks and bought those big spenders some $4 lattes. But apparently, she died here, too tired to go on, and was unable to both put that advice into practice nor come up with some other complaint verse. Naturally, the badass (smug) guitar of congratulatory self-righteousness jumps in instead. This, fortunately, allows us all to continue to contemplate why the hell she's dancing backwards in heels.

"She said, 'I'm gopherin' and chauffeurin' company chairman,
Coffee maker, copy repairman,
Anymore there ain't nothin' I swear, man that I don't do.
I been jugglin', strugglin', closin' big deals
Dancin' backwards in high heels
Just when it feels like I can't make it through'
She said, 'It sure is nice to just be the woman,
The woman with you.'"

Oh, wait, she's back! Hey, did you know she really hates her, like, job? I think I may have heard something about it, but she just wanted to be clear.

"La la la la la la la la
The woman with you"

'La la la, oh how joyous and carefree I am. My job blows! I'm so glad I have a man to...open canned goods for me! And provide a head rest! And...other...stuff! La la la!'

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KCC III: The Good Stuff

If there's one Chesney song I never liked from the first time I heard it until yesterday when I was driving, taking a sip of Diet Coke, which I nearly spit out in my ill-advised, frantic attempt to change the station while turning, it's this one.

"Well, me and my lady had our first big fight
So I drove around until I saw the neon lights
At a corner bar.
It just seemed right, so I pulled up."

There's something irritating about "my lady;" it just feels like it's either the precursor to "my old lady" or he's married to Guinevere. And, neon lights? When I think "neon lights" I think "EXXXCELLENT EXXXCITEMENT" or, perhaps, a homage to the billboards of South Carolina "TOPLESS! TOPLESS!" Similarly, why does this corner bar "just [seem] right"? Presumably our protagonist is out searching, driving actually, to go find liquor. Does the rightness really matter? In the quest of getting shnockered and driving to go do so, most people are just looking for the first dive with a tap. Corner bar? Sure. ABC Liquor? Done. Hard lemonade stand? Whatever gets the job done.


"Not a soul around but the old barkeep
Down at the end lookin' half asleep.
And he walked up and and said,
'What'll it be?' I said, 'The good stuff.'"

"The Good Stuff" is so smug, so patronizing. The Good Stuff is what that one sort of mousy aunt's husband says, the one who gives everybody nicknames, wears way too much cologne, and regales you with stories of his golden days playing baseball (which, later, passing an old yearbook, you can't even find him in the picture) and mispronouncing well-known Major Leaguers' last names. He sits there, watching another relative grill things, and then he calls Aunt Susan, who actually has a spine and half-yells with a smug grin "Hey, Suzy, would you get me another drink? You know some of the good stuff." And then you're pretty sure you saw Aunt Susan walk inside and spit in his drink. So anyway, our protagonist is that guy.

"He didn't reach around for the whiskey;
He didn't pour me a beer.
His blue eyes kinda went misty,
He said, 'You can't find that here.'"

He didn't "reach around," did he? Welcome to The Old Barkeep's Corner Bar showing of: The Kenny Chesney Homoerotic Subtext Strikes Back! Also, I'm pretty sure the proper response to "You can't find that here" is "Um, then where the hell can I find it? This is a bar, isn't it, old man?"

"'Cause it's the first long kiss on a second date.
Momma's all worried when you get home late
And droppin' the ring in the spaghetti plate,
'Cause your hands are shakin' so much."

There's nothing like a serious relationship with a man that still lives with his mother! Unless of course this is high school, which wouldn't surprise me, because every Chesney song seems to imply that minutes after graduation all women should be back in the kitchen, pregnant and barefoot. Or, hell, just graduate in the kitchen, pregnant and barefoot. Mmmm, spaghetti, probably goes good with a $6 bottle of wine.

"'And it's the way she looks with the rice in her hair.
Eating burnt suppers the whole first year,
And askin' for seconds to keep her from tearin' up.
Yeah, man, that's The Good Stuff."

Okay, seriously, a year of burnt dinners? Instead of shoveling down charred casserole, our misty-eyed barkeep might have suggested to Goodie Barkeep that if you cook something for too long, it will burn. One may think that getting the same blackened meals over and over might suggest to her to change her methods but then, John McCain's still in the presidential race, so perhaps not.

"He grabbed a carton of milk and poured a glass
And I smiled and said, "I'll have some of that."
We sat there and talked as an hour passed, like old friends."

I hope he grabbed that carton out of a refrigerated space. I also love, if by "love" I mean "loathe," the folksy turnabout: minutes ago, the protagonist was all "Double tequila. Damn it." Now, it's like "Well, GAWRSH, is there apple pie back there, mister?" But, if there's one thing Kenny enjoys, it's an almost bipolar change of opinion.

"I saw a black and white picture and he caught my stare.
It was a pretty girl with bouffant hair.
He said, 'That's my Bonnie,
Taken 'bout a year after we were wed.'"

Goodie Barkeep's name is, of course, Bonnie because even the old barkeeps have wives with Irish Catholic names. Especially old barkeeps, I guess. Anyway, between Bonnie, the bouffant hair, and this being a country song, I can't shake the mental image of Bonnie Raitt. Everytime I hear this song, I always expect the old barkeep to turn to the protagonist and say, with a twinkle in his misty-eyes, "Let's give 'em something to talk about, junior."

"He said, 'Spent five years in the bottle,
When the cancer took her from me.
But I've been sober three years now,
'Cause the one thing stronger than the whiskey'"

There is no better place for a recovering alcoholic quite like a bar! A BAR! B-A-R! What's next, meth addicts in a pharmacy? Ex-cokeheads at Lindsay Lohan's? The old barkeep did spend his years in a bottle like he was a tiny ship or a sappy love note from a Nicholas Sparks book, and...Jesus, A BAR? I'm sorry, it's just, a bar? Really?

"'Was the sight of her holdin' my baby girl.
The way she adored that string of pearls,
I gave her the day that our youngest boy, Earl,
Married his high school love.'"

I'm glad that Bonnie Barkeep got a prize for Earl (...nice name, kids) getting married. Notably, Earl married his high school love, which only further proves that true love is only found in the hallowed halls of ones high school. I am, evidently, doomed to the life of a spinster.

"'And it's a new t-shirt saying, "I'm a Grandpa!"
Being right there as our time got small,
And holding her hand when the good Lord called her up.
Yeah, man, that's the good stuff.'"

While "holding her hand when the good Lord called her up" certainly indicates a life well-lived, I can't really imagine that this should be lumped in with the rest, especially given the five years that followed inside that big ol' bottle.

"He said, 'When you get home, she'll start to cry.
When she says "I'm sorry" say "So am I"
And look into those eyes so deep in love,
And drink it up.'"

You better hope she starts to cry. I might revisit the specifics of said big fight--were other women involved, did you lose large sums of money, did you call her a whore, etc.--before returning home. She might be packing your belongings or loading your shotgun for all you know, champ. Hell, she could cry because you've come back, and she thought she finally got rid of you. Not all women are quite like Weepy Bonnie Barkeep. Also, please don't "drink it up;" that's borderline sketchy and horrendously cheesy.

"'Cause that's the good stuff.
That's the good stuff.'"

Ew, creepy uncle. Creepy, creepy uncle.

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KCC II: There Goes My Life

The other night, I explored the frightening world of unnecessarily poor grammar. Tonight, I'm forging ahead to the saccharine musings on unplanned teen pregnancy of "There Goes My Life."

"All he could think about was I'm too young for this.
Got my whole life ahead.
Hell, I'm just a kid myself.
How am I gonna raise one?"

When you drag a good Catholic girl (Mary, Katie, Maggie, Lucy, and/or Annie) down to the river and don't keep enough room between you for the Holy Spirit, unplanned teenage pregnancy strikes. I enjoy the relativism here; it's completely acceptable that they had premarital sex, but God forbid any other option than Having the Damn Baby, Young Lady is mentioned. Our Young Protagonist does breach the subject indirectly, however, rhetorically pondering whether he is ready to have a dependent."All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke.
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast.
Oh well, those plans are long gone."

Let's closely examine the heartfelt aspirations of our young hero: to go prowl the coast, probably driving up and down a boardwalk with the windows down and a few sketchy jokers in the truck bed, looking for other Catholic girls to sleep with. Now, you have someone here who is lamenting this as a lost dream. I don't think this person is ready to have a child depending on their physical, emotional, and financial care. Buy, hey, with a little luck, everything could turn out alright, right?

"And he said,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life."

At this point, the sound of our strapping, virile protagonist's mother weeping from the kitchen can be heard in stereo. It sounds like hope tying a noose.

"A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator.
Oh yeah, he loves that little girl."

See, if you just give teenage pregnancy a chance, everything will work out in the end!

"Momma's waiting to tuck her in,
As she fumbles up those stairs.
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear.
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls."

Most importantly, however, our girl has birthed an Aryan child. The secret method to achieving idealized conceptions of beauty in procreation is unplanned teenage pregnancy. After all, Mary (the Virgin, not Kenny's woman in "Anything But Mine") was pretty surprised about the Christ child.

"He smiles
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you, daddy good-night.
There goes my life."

Oh, my, isn't it clever! Before, our young, reckless, premarital-sex-having protagonist hated the idea of children, but now he's a dreamy, responsible father. Too bad that this is aggressively cute and cloying.

"She had that Honda loaded down
With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express.
He checked the oil and slammed the hood, said you're good to go.
She hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast."

I know the fuel economy on Hondas is good because they're so light, but that must be one hell of an AmEx card to load down a car. I'd be checking more than the oil, is all I'm saying. I also have a high appreciation for the indiscriminate location she's heading to: the West Coast. Of course, Portland may as well be San Diego; they're all filled with Hollywood liberals and illegal immigrants wandering around, praying to their pagan gods for more abortions. Little do they know, however, that even if you're completely indifferent or openly hostile to the idea of a baby, having that child is always the answer for everyone, regardless of financial conditions.

"And he cried,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you.
Baby, good-bye.

There goes my life.
There goes my life.
Baby, good-bye."

Within the context of the song, these final verses fit. Isolated, however, they take on a tone seemingly appropriate for a suicide note. I imagine that the tone is similar to what you would think to yourself were this song on a loop and you were trapped somewhere.

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Kenny Chesney Chronicles I: Never Wanted Nothing More

Kenny Chesney disturbs me in a way that I can't quite describe. If pressed to sum up my distate, it would be the concept of a Hat Room. Where George Strait probably has four or five Stetsons that are on pegs in his closet or sitting on his dresser (or so I like to imagine), Kenny seems like someone who has a walk-in closet lair for just his hats. He has a Hat Room.

On the other hand, there are about a half dozen of his songs that I really like. So, I've decided to dissect the lyrics of the ones I really, really detest to find out what it is specifically that I dislike about Kenny Chesney, beginning with his atrocious new single "Never Wanted Nothing More." The song is only about eighteen minutes long, you'd think it was the damn "Ballad of John and Yoko."

"Never Wanted Nothing More" by Kenny Chesney

"I couldn't wait to turn sixteen
And drive all the boys around
Foot on the gas and hands on the wheel
Was all I could think about

A little rust in the bed of that truck
And a four speed on the floor
Five hundred dollars
It was mine all mine
And I never wanted nothing more"

Much like Tom Cruise, Kenny's always good for at least one fairly homoerotic undertone; in this case it's "drive all the boys around." This straddles the line (...like one does) between motherly school bus driver and sexual predator. What boy wants to drive for the sole reason of carting his other male friends around?

Although, I'm sure most girls would be a little wary jumping into a $500 death trap driven by somebody with a Hat Room who thinks double negatives are acceptable. The never/nothing phrasing is so gratuitous, though. It screams "HA! I'm STILL Country, you bastards! I will demonstrate by using UNNECESSARILY POOR GRAMMAR. Country music is mine, all mine!"

"I took Katie down by the river
With a six dollar bottle of wine
Just a fool tryin to play it cool
Hopin' she'd let me cross the line

And I was prayin' that she couldn't tell
I'd never been that far before
The first time's a one time feeling
And I never wanted nothing more
No, I never wanted nothing more"

Enter "The Lady." There's always a girl and she always has some Irish-Catholic name (Mary, anybody?), or else she's almost frighteningly bland (the girl who thinks tractors are sexy and dreams of yards full of children and probably pastures full of grandchildren), possibly both. Frankly, I'm shocked she even let him get near the line after a $6 bottle of wine and a $500 truck ride to the river. Kenny did, however, take the time to pray to our Lord before engaging in premarital sex after getting a girl drunk for the occasion. I'm sure God was thrilled.

"Well, I'm what I am and I'm what I'm not
And I'm sure happy with what I've got
I live and love and laugh a lot
And that's all I need" [Chorus]

Kenny is both what he is and what he isn't. That might confuse you, but once in practice it makes much more sense. For example, he's both not-gay and gay.

"My buddies all tried to change my mind
But I told them that I thought it through
Well Katie laughed and my momma cried
When they heard me say I do"

I hope, for Katie's sake, that these are not the same buddies that Kenny was driving around, but it would explain a lot. I could also see "laughter" and "tears" as appropriate responses to Kenny Chesney getting married. Surely, Renee Zellweger's family both laughed and cried the day they got married, probably more of the latter.

"Her little ring was a little thing
But it was all that I could afford
Now she's mine, all mine
Till the day I die
And I never wanted nothing more
No, I never wanted nothing more"

There's something unnerving about "she's mine, all mine." It sounds a lot like something the Wicked Witch of the West screams before tossing Dorothy down some steps, to be quite honest. Notably, Kenny also refers to his truck as "mine, all mine," which may mean that Katie, too, is cheap and rusty. The phrase also evokes the image of poor Katie, trapped in Kenny's Hat Room with her little ring. While there, of course, she too can reflect on the gratuitous use of double negative until the day that Kenny dies. Presumably, she will endure the rest of her time on earth by contemplating the wonderous moment in which she too is dead.

[Chorus]

"One Sunday I listened to the preacher
And I knew he was preaching to me
I couldn't help it I walked up front
and I got down on my knee

Right then and there I swear
I changed when I found the Lord
Glory Hallelujah Good God Almighty
I never wanted nothing more
No, I never wanted nothing more"

Ah. Here comes the third portion of the song, the part when the clever (or horrendously worded, in this case) phrase is shifted towards the spiritual. It certainly isn't the first time this theme has been employed. I don't particularly take offense with it until "Glory Hallelujah Good God Almighty." It's like this strange tic of words somebody just blindly picked out of a hymnal. It's not a sentence, or a cohesive thought! It's just random words! But then, as Kenny, is sure to remind us, sentence structure is not his strongest skill.

[Chorus]

"I never wanted nothing more
and I never wanted nothing more"

GODDAMNIT, KENNY. LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH.

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