LiveBlog: NBA Draft 2007

7:09- I'm really terrified by Jay Bilas. He's so...chipper. And he does this thing with his voice where he keeps babbling until he's breathlessly panting into his mike and his voice goes really low and gutteral. He kind of sounds like Jim Nance X'd out.

7:39- Boston is sending the number five, Delonte West, Wally Sczerbiak, and Wally's contract to Seattle for Ray Allen. Somewhere, a leprechaun cries.

7:58- Boston picks Green for Seattle and his mother goes all vogue on us throwing her left hand in front of her face to weep like Stern just announced her son's impending execution. I realize how absolutely FILTHY the Sonics will be with Durant and Green.

8:02- Everyone gets nervous as Yi Jianlin might be drafted by Milwaulkee, resulting in a land war in Asia. Dude, China must be so pissed right now. They're totally texting India right now all "omg...i hate those bitches."

8:11- The Timberwolves pick Corey Brewer. I don't have much to say besides: GO GATO...AH. JESUS. Glenda Brewer is growing straw out of her head, has hooker blush on, and black eyeliner thick as tire treads. She needs to shave her head and try again. God. Take her away!

8:17- Rachel Nichols is down in Charlotte. She had a meeting with MJ the other day and "chatted with him," so I'd guess she's been down in Charlotte, if you know what I mean. She really needs to go out and buy a better flat iron. Charlotte picks Brandan Wright.

8:21- Three strikes against Brandan Wright: MJ hates kids who don't care (GODDAMN YOU, KWAME BROWN), he just challenged MJ, and he has braces. On his teeth, not his legs. That would definitely be a big downside.

8:24- Jo Noah's going to Chicago! GO GATORS. He's dressed like a preppy river boat captain. Speaking of white people, the Kings select Spencer Hawes. I think he'd be a better pick for the Bulls, but I guess they had enough of tall, awkward white guys after all those years with Luc Longley. Spencer has a lisp. Things will go well there.

9:07- Rodney Stuckey goes to the Pistons. His name seems like the title character in a dark British satire. I can't tell if these suits actually look really good or if in ten years, I'll be like "Lord, I can't believe I used to think that was attractive."

9:10- ALRIGHT. The WASHINGTON WIZARDS SELECT NICK YOUNG. Thanks, God. I mean, we actually need a damn center, but Young is super good; that's more than we can say about our other picks the last few years. Oh, ew. Nick has, like, country bumpkin teeth and sounds drunk. Wait, maybe we need to give him back.

9:15- Breaking news: Zach Randolph will immediately be picked up tomorrow with a basketball shaped rock of cocaine in the middle of Times Square.

9:18- New Jersey picks up Sean Williams. I thought he would have been drafted higher. Hmm? Hmmmmm? Sorry.

9:23- Golden State drafts Marco Belinelli, who, outside of Yi, is the most perfect player for them in the draft. He's dressed a bit like he works for the Russian mob, though. China to Italy: "go die."

9:29- The Lakers pick Javaris Crittenton. I feel like there are extra letters in his name. Unsurprisingly, Jim Gray is sitting on Mitch Kupchak's lap.

9:40- Philly drafts Daequan Cook. Daequan is going to Miami for Jason Smith. I guess Billy Knight and Billy King sold their souls to the devil this week for some common sense, two slurpees, and some free tickets to Live Free or Die Hard.

9:59- Yi doesn't want to go Wisconsin tomorrow. Shocker. US to China: "sup. were sorry about the draft. like rly sorry. wanna see die hard 4 2moro nite?"

10:20- The Pistons draft Aaron Afflalo. ESPN: "Must Improve: Athleticism." That sounds promising.

10:29- China to US: "i hate u all. i hope die hard sux."

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Serious Solutions for a Very Serious Problem

I've worked out ten ways to both get the immigration bill passed and solve our immigration problems:

1. Avoid any and all close ups on John McCain and Ted Kennedy's faces.

2. Serve Coronas (with lime) during the Senate floor debate.

3. Send Angelina Jolie some fliers about the, you know, egregious atrocities and violations of the human spirit that these illegal immigrants suffer through silently or whatever. She'll adopt 'em.

4. Annex Mexico. After all, James K. Polk tried to do it and the eight people who know that he was president seem to like him. And after all, that's how we got the Mormons.

5. Speaking of the Mormons, send Donny Osmond down to the border. "Let's Get Down to BUSINESSSSSS. To Defeat. The HUNSSSSSSS."

6. Next, toss Donny in the Rio Grande. I hate the Osmonds.

7. Alternatively, blast Lil' Mama's "Lipgloss," Avril Lavigne's "Boyfriend," and the Lil' Mama remix of Avril Lavigne's "Boyfriend" on a constant loop at the border. This will ward away any illegal border activity. It will probably also extinguish all human life within a ten mile radius of the border.

8. House and employ the illegal immigrants at John Edwards's mansion.

9. Paris Hilton can and will be sent back to jail during the vote on the bill. Remind all amnesty-favorin', home-state-press-fearin' Republicans of this.

10. Blame Dick Cheney. For everything. Everybody else is doing it.

I think it will work because...MY LIP GLOSS IS POPPIN' MY LIP GLOSS IS COOL.

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Harry Potter and the Thinly Veiled Flirting

While I typically hestitate to share my somewhat alarming obsession with Harry Potter with the general public (if by "hesitate to share" I mean "babble to anyone who will listen to me"), press season for the movies tends to be the time I air my thoughts. With Order of the Pheonix premiering on Thursday in Tokyo, I knew it was time for Harry Potter Hair Watch 2007. I was not disappointed.

Two batches of press junket photos have revealed:
a. That Rupert Grint has finally (FINALLY) learned what the appropriate length and cut for his hair is,
b. That I am still unable to decide whether or not Dan Radcliffe is, or will be, decent looking,
c. That Emma Watson and Rupert Grint made the correct decision in getting their teeth fixed in between films,
d. That Dan should take note, and
e. That Emma Watson was clearly told "YOU MUST BE TOUCHING A FELLOW CASTMEMBER AT ALL TIMES."

Now, I like Watson a lot. She seems fairly well grounded, tends to show up places looking fabulous, and still manages to kick absolute ass at school. I love the fact that she almost passed up the last two movies because she wants so badly to go to university, and forced WB to work around that. She also has pretty hair. But, for real (and seriously this is just a taste):

"Note my casual posture, my nonchalant shoulder touching. Yes, the flirting has begun."

"It APPEARS like we are dating, does it not?"


"Not so fast. I can touch him, too."

"I can flirt with them in a box, with a fox, in a house, with a mouse, here or there, or anywhere. Even in front of Parliament. Especially there."

"HAHAHAHA, you've noticed that I will not let them go! Flirting, flirting, flirting! HAHAHA."

"For real, bitches."

What would have happened if Jonathan Rhys Myers or Hugh Dancy or somebody was in these films? Would she be draped around his shoulders? Sitting on his lap?

God knows what would happen if Channing Tatum was around.

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Movie Round Up

Volver: I totally love this movie. Super good with a sort of surreal, magical realism Gabriel Garcia Marquez vibe to it that apparently all Almodovar films have. Clearly, I need to get with it here. Penelope Cruz was actually very good (perhaps the permanent joy of getting off the Tom Cruise Express before the stop at Insanity Blvd. where Katie Homes came aboard, has turned her into a good actress). Though appearance wise she looked nothing like the rest of her family members, but she's gorgeous so I'll excuse it. Loved the dialogue, and the absolutely fantastic one liners- I actually laughed out loud several times, watching a movie by myself, which never happens. Also, the subtitles didn't get on my nerves (rare), but then again, my Spanish came back to me enough during the movie, that by the end, I didn't really need the subtitles. Sometime this week, I'm totally going to rent Hable Con Ella, La Mala Educacion, or Todo Sobre Mi Mama. At least one of them.

To Catch a Thief: The least regarded of Hitchcock's films plays out sort of blandly. I mean, don't get me wrong, Grace Kelly and Cary Grant are fantastic and charming, but that's always going to happen. When they're on screen together, the movie improves drastically- they have great chemistry, look fantastic together, and his charming liar character clashes well with her outwardly prim, secretly wild character. But still, it leaves a bit to be desired. I've heard that this is almost like the precursor to Charade, which seems totally incorrect to me, but I've only seen part of Charade. I'm always up for a good Audrey Hepburn movie, though, so it's going on my list.

Letters From Iwo Jima: Fantastic and extremely sad; the kind of sad that makes you spend the whole movie expecting horrible things to happen to the characters you like the best. Ultimately, the movie's conclusion is that war is futile, but its best scenes revolve around the moments of humanity between the soldiers, and the horrifying moments when the humanity that was just there, isn't anymore. My favorite two scenes involve the former and the latter; the first is when the soon to be blinded, former Olympian Baron Nishi reads the wounded American's soldier's letter from his mother to the slowly rising troops within the cave. I actually cried when Saigo slowly approaches his dead friend in the American trench, that's how good this movie is. Hands down, the most horrifying scene contains a radio cast with Japanese children serenading, at the behest of the Emperor, to Watanabe's character. The general, Watanabe, is the one spot of the movie that falls somewhat flat to me; I understand that he's conflicted, but his introspectives are somewhat disjointed and his sacrifice doesn't quite stand up to Nishi's suicide in terms of powerful scenes. Overall, though, a lot of moments that involve this thought process: DAMN IT, DON'T DO THAT....wait a minute...why am I upset that the Japanese are losing?

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Vanderbilt Frontpage II: Stalker's Revenge!

In this space, I have discussed the prevalent stalkerish vibe the Vanderbilt frontpage sometimes contains before. Well, the table have been turned, friends. The stalkers are now the subject matter:

JESUS.

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I Am Shameless: A Treatise on Kobe Bryant

I tend to like athletes who above all, win. I don't really care what else they do, so long as they don't annoy me, and they win. I don't typically gravitate towards athletes who are beloved by all (the notable exceptions: Tom Brady and Derek Jeter), and I refuse to support anyone who is inconsistent when the pressure's on in the playoffs (see: A-Rod, Peyton Manning, Dirk Nowitzki). I like winners.

I used to hate Kobe Bryant. Hate, hate, haaaaaaate Kobe Bryant.

He ruined a championship team because he couldn't get along with Shaq- one of the most congenial pro athletes in the past half century; he played for the Lakers; he had weird hair; he shared with us all that he considered going to Duke; he pretended he was street; he proposed to that girl while she was still in high school; he was a bit quick with the Jordan comparisons; and, he really, really doesn't pass the ball. I mean, JESUS, KOBE, PASS FOR ONCE.

I debated writing a college admissions essay about my general loathing for Kobe. It seemed like a quirky, unexpected topic that would generally interest a bored admissions employee. Eventually, I changed tactics after realizing that the essay would largely be: "HATE. KOBE. GRRRR." Also, the rape allegations sprung up and then everybody hated Kobe and it wasn't any fun for me anymore. Besides, the Lakers had taken Kwame "MJ Broke My Will to Do Anything Other than Make Katherine Angry" Brown off our hands for Caron Butler, so I couldn't really complain.

But something changed after the rape acquittal. Maybe it was the unecessary dimension of intellectual feminism that came with the territory of Hating Kobe Bryant, maybe it was all the lost endorsement money, maybe it was that he actually was innocent, but I didn't really hate Kobe Bryant anymore. He was just there.

Then this season happened. At the beginning of the year, he pretended to be a genuine team player; improving the questionable talent around him and making the Lakers contenders. Injuries got in the way of that, so he took over. You just don't put Kobe Bryant on a team like this; it's extremely akin to putting Baby in the corner.

I mean, this one of the 30 greatest NBA players ever, in his absolute prime, surrounded by Kwame "No, Seriously, I Suck" Brown, Lamar Odom, Jordan Farmar, Luke Walton, Andrew Bynum, and an adult named "Smush." Now, I realize that Kevin Garnett has experienced an entire career with some fools Kevin McHale picked up at the Exxon for $16 and a dinner at the Sizzler, but Kobe's playing for the L.A. LAKERS. They went 42-40 this season while stranding their star, someone whose talent actually deserves the title "greatness."

I just don't think you can do that to somebody like Kobe. You're toying with fate, Mitch Kupchak, and fate doesn't enjoy it. Fate said no, stop saying yes. He wants a trade and with good, justifiable reason. Kobe is nasty, smart, and self-centered, but he has to win. It goes beyond wanting or needing to win, he has to win. I have to win. I've come to terms with this, and with Kobe Bryant.

I hate to lose. Much more than I've ever hated Kobe Bryant. We have seen so much losing from the Washington Wizards and Redskins, that somewhere, George Washington weeps. The losing is just a pervasive, all-encompassing feeling that strangles you into apathy about Washington sports. It's always been bad for the Wizards, and really only worse since they went from "Bullets" (COMPLETELY RESPECTABLE) to "Wizards" (HORRIFYINGLY BAD). Anytime your team name can be shortened to "Washington Whiz," you have picked the wrong one, sir. Needless to say, no one was shocked when Gilbert Arenas anounced that he will opt out of his contract in 2008.

The time is now, Wizards. I know Kobe wants to go to Chicago, but John Paxson may get coquettish about it and fritter a deal away like he did with Deng for Gasol. Strike while you can. Send Gil, Etan Thomas, and maybe even #16 (Thad Young, perhaps?) away to Hollywood, and bring Kobe Bryant to the nation's capital.

Kobe, you can do whatever you want here. We promise. The Verizon Center is a very nice arena. You can (read: please do), change the team name and uniforms. I mean, hell, start doing cocaine, you could be mayor in the District.

So, I know I've told everyone I've ever met how much I hate Kobe Bryant, but don't worry, I'm shameless enough to still want him to come here...even shameless enough to pretend like there's some logic and reason behind that change of heart.

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What That "Wrist Injury" Was All About

Yes, that's right: DC Mayor Fenty hired Michelle Wie as school superintendent.

Image: WTOP News.

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When Boredom Strikes. Frequently.

Things I read about today at work:

• The plans for Paris Hilton's post-incarceration party
• The Washington Post's four part series on the atrociousness of the DC Public School System [this began as bored reading and then actually became extremely relavent to my job in the afternoon when I had to research it]. The most horrible/darkly hilarious part of it: an American University student taught at a DC elementary school for student teaching or something and the students were so used to the mice in their classroom that they had named them and drew pictures of them. I'm going to hell, obviously, but I did kind of laugh about that.
  
• Why Hillary "Tits Magee" Clinton is getting the woman vote in the primary
• Bush trying to get an Immigration Bill back on the table. If only the damn GOP would get on board.
  
• Potential trades for Kobe Bryant. People seem to think he might be able to go to the Knicks. I just don't see that happening; Isiah has managed to destroy the franchise so much that they simply do not have something competitive to send to the Lakers.
  
• Why the GOP totally hearts Scooter and, like, hates Alberto (which...word.)
  
• John Hollinger's theory for fixing the NBA Playoffs
• Jemele Hill's interesting take on Bruce Bowen
  
• A review for Toby Keith's new album (I'm not such a TK fan)
  
• Dale Earnhardt Jr. signing with Hendrick
• Why my boss thinks Mitt Romney, or as he's called in some circles "Hott Mitt," is an extremely legitimate, very likable candidate
• The lyrics to "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse.
  
• The complete tech specs for both MacBooks and MacBook Pros
• What Wikipedia has to say about Scientology (this happened because of a dead end during some background research for an article that randomly had a link there).
  

Sites I visited today at work:

• Facebook. Obviously.
  
• Go Fug Yourself (oh, Marcia Gay)
  
• washingtonpost.com
• Defamer
• ESPN.com
  
• The Comics Curmudgeon. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  
• Drudge Report
• Wonkette (I KNOW. I'M SORRY. JUST REVOKE MY GOP MEMBERSHIP. I can't help it, I think it's funny.)
• Buster Olney's MLB Blog
• Tomato Nation
• TMZ...I'm trying to figure out which I prefer, TMZ or Defamer.
  
• Television Without Pity
• The Fix on washingtonpost.com, which had an interesting translation of the Rudy email today.
  

New favorite commercial: 50 Cent for Vitamin Water. It may have just topped David Ortiz and Brian Urlacher for Vitamin Water.

Peyton Manning is at the Cavs game. Ew. And...why? ABC immediately cuts to Eva Longoria, who despite cheering for the other team, is Night at the Roxbury head nodding to Hang On Sloopy. At least she isn't wearing that ridiculous Andre 3000 hat she had on the other night. You know, despite all the obligatory "Ours Is an Endless LOVE. That's right, LOVE." with Tony Parker and Eva Longoria, I kind of want those kids to make it.

The center court NBA trophy continues to confound me. It's just so...cartoonish. I am almost as perplexed as Bill Russell was during Ben Harper's weird slide guitar rendition of the National Anthem.

Okay, Duncan and LeBron both have 3 fouls. I'm not sure how this series could get any duller. I mean, maybe they could just stop playing basketball? Sit at midcourt and basket weave or something?

ABC, we need to have a talk. David Blain is entirely unacceptable. We all know this. Hell, you probably know this. Replacing the already poorly placed Pussycat Dolls with that Sound Effects choir from the Oscars, though, is another startlingly out-of-touch move. A commercial I do enjoy, however, is the Nike "just believe" LeBron ad with the grainy shot and the old-school soul. It's very clean, classy, and effective.

I'm not really sure how I feel about Fantastic Four 2. On the one hand, the first one was acceptably mediocre. Of course, Jessica Alba defied awful. I mean, even as a girl I can say that she looked hot in that movie, but damn was she wooden. Take this for instance:

Dr. Doom or Whatever: Let's not fight.
Sue Storm, Which Is a Dumb Name to Begin With: No [long pause in which the viewer is able to contemplate just how ineffective that "no" sounded] let's. This is easily the most stilted, ineffectual reading of a two word sentence that only required "NO, LET'S." to make up for how poorly worded the entire exchange was.

Also, I'm kind of disturbed by what I've seen of this Silver Surfer person. First of all, that too is a really dumb name. Secondly, he just seems sort of stilted, himself. I'm sure that's for effect. But really I just can't believe that the MOST BADASS thing they could come up with was a sparkly guy on a surfboard and a weird voice.

Anyway, I have to go blowdry my hair. I wish I was kidding.

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LIVEBLOG: GOP Debate 3

7:02- Tommy Thompson needs to stop with the hair dye. Like, tonight.

7:03- Oh, Mitt Romney. I'm not ashamed to say that I think you're hot. Rudy Giuliani: "I'm Rudy Giuliani and your state's motto 'Live Free or Die' is a good one for our time.'" That's why, slowly but surely, I have become pro-Giuliani.

7:07- Mitt's tie is blue. And dreamy. Rudy Giuliani is wearing the power tie. McCain's got, like, a candy-cane tie on with red and extremely pale blue. Brownback has a pale lime green tie on- take it back to Vineyard Vines, there champ.

7:09- Dinner!

7:20- Okay, back. Jim Gilmore should just go home. He sounds a bit like Foghorn Leghorn, admittedly not as much as ol' Fred Thompson the Looming Spector of the Christian Right.

7:23- It's Immigration Time. Tancredo rightly recognizes that dark phantom of the night, that ghastly terror, that creeping destroyer of everything that we hold dear in this life and in the sweet, sweet hereafter: BILINGUALISM. Calm down there, Kipling.

7:33- Sam clarifies that he's been in Congress for a long time. Thanks, Sam, for correcting the immigration problem. Tommy Thompson's face fascinates me in a way that I cannot fully comprehend. It's a bit like Jack Nicholson's face in the first Tim Burton Batman movie.

7:37- McCain is FRIENDS with that devil BILINGUALISM.

7:38- "We don't know what Fred Thompson is either." Other than the Manhattan DA who sounds a lot like Foghorn Leghorn. "I cut taxes for the people of Virginia"...and increased the spending! And threw the budget out the window! Go home, Jim.

7:44- CNN is having all kinds of problems with the sound here. There's like little buzzers going off and volume changes and snaps and crackles and pops.

7:46- Religious Crusades. Rudy? Still a heathen pluralist. Mitt? Still Mormon. Brownback squints at us about our universe's God.

7:50- Giuliani agrees with scientists on global warming, sees it as it as an issue of national security both with climate change and terrorist funding, and proposes an Apollo-type, bipartisan project for global warming/energy reform solutions. Mitt agrees.

7:53- Take Ron Paul away. The stutter is w-w-way totoo much for m-m-me. In fact, take everybody away except for Mitt, Rudy, McCain, and possibly Huckabee.

7:57- Gays in the military: Ron Paul loves individuals. Huckabee dances around the fact that he totally doesn't like gays. Rudy dances around the fact that he totally likes gays. Mitt dances around the fact that he changes his mind on everything. McCain doesn't dance.

8:00- What would you do with George W. Bush? It would have been ill-advised to ask this question last night. "BURN HIM!" "THE PLAGUE!" "PIT OF LIONS!" "PIT OF GAYS!" and so on. Tommy Thompson wouldn't send him to the UN. Heh. (Okay, Tom-Tom, that was funny, but, still, go home). Tancredo gets pissy about Karl Rove.

8:04- Huckabee is very honest and self-effacing about the loss of credibility of the GOP. Brownback wishes his accent sounded like that.

8:08- It's halftime in New Hampshire. The Skeletor, or "Larry King," suddenly appears on my television screen, I lose my sight for a few moments.

8:15- Damn, the debate cuts right to the freaking chase with an extremely pretty lady in her twenties named Erin Flanagan whose brother died in Iraq eight days before he was supposed to come home. McCain hops up, calls Erin ma'am, and admits that the war was mismanaged.

8:19- Giuliani can hop too, John.

8:23- "Can a conservative platform coexist with a conservationist platform?" Gov. Gilmore: No, let me talk about something else.

8:28- Discussion about health care makes my eyes bleed, thus necessitating health care. It is a vicious cycle.

8:32- "What is the most pressing moral question facing us today?" Huckabee says that pro-lifers haven't extended out their love of life to all people, especially homeless children and old people. Rudy, citing RONALD REAGAN, says that spreading American ideals is the biggest moral obligation we have. Brownback runs out to slap Giuliani around over pro-life. GO HOME, SAM.

8:39- Some lame ass twentysomething asks Mitt about flip-flopping, but he says it like "flipppp-flopppinnngg" with this little smarmy grin. A girl with geeky glasses looks on all "I would totally tap that" as Mitt tries to anounce his love of immigrants. Jesus, Tancredo, ALMOST ALL OF EUROPE IS BILINGUAL. IT HASN'T BURNED DOWN YET. CHINA, RUSSIA, CANADA, THE UNITED STATES! BILINGUAL. McCain: "Muchas gracias, Congressman." Oh, sir, you deserve a hearty handshake and a pat on the back. He gives a stirring testiment to the immigrants of this nation and the Hispanic-Americans who live, work, and fight for the country.

8:45- George W. Bush's They let McCain get on a bit of a roll, there. He promises to veto any pork-barrel spending. Tancredo sounds like he's in the eighth grade giving a presentation off note cards that the girl who sits next to him made last night and practically threw at him with an exasperated sigh and an eyeroll.

8:50- STOP ASKING TANCREDO QUESTIONS ABOUT IMMIGRANTS. Rudy cites Abraham Lincoln, because he is a pimp, basically saying that to be an American is to love and believe in freedom.

8:57- Duncan of the Comb-Over trashes moderates after a woman who's from Hollis (can't think of anyone being from Hollis without thinking of "Christmas in Hollis") asks how the GOP can appeal to moderates. Romney gets very chatty; Giuliani capitalizes on it by saying "Well, ma'am, the answer to your question is to nominate me." Ha! Well, that wraps it up. Time to watch Dirty Dancing.

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LIVEBLOG: Pistons-Cavs Game 6

Okay, first of all, I'm still angry as hell that I didn't watch Game 5. Second, the two lessons I learned in blogging Footloose: that the pause button is not my friend, and that I am somewhat incapable of being funny and not describing every minute detail when watching something I actually like. I may try again soon with this. That should be delicious.

10:44- I heard that LeBron only took two shots in the first half, so I figured I needed to get in on this. Rip Hamilton drains a three, tying the game at 61 with 4-and-a-half to go. When I see the cursive text tattoo on Larry Hughes's neck, I kind of wonder how absolutely ridiculous I would look with a similar tattoo. Nobody would take me seriously. Ever.

10:47- A big flashing light reflects off the court as McDyess is at the line. What does it say "MISS MISS MISS"? Stever discusses the misconception that Drew Gooden and his neck moustache are needed. I disagree, unless they always need him and he's never, ever there. Daniel "Looks What I Imagine Chris Brown Looks Like" Gibson, The Rookie from Texas for three. Cavs 65, Pistons 63 with 2:20 to go in the third.

10:51- Well, Daniel "LWIICBLL" Gibson, TRfT looks somewhat like Chris Brown. Chris Brown is really smiley and happy, though (as one would expect with the shortie like his, and the running it and all) while Daniel...isn't.

11:01- The fourth quarter starts with the Cavs up by one. LeBron is 1-5 from the floor tonight; DG, TRfT hits another three. With all that abbreviation I feel like I should be phrasing that: "DG, TRfT 4 3 lolz...u goin 2 da mall 2nite wit us?" While I'm typing this out- took me an absurdly long time- DG, TRfT hits ANOTHER THREE. Just dirrrty. Cavs 73, Pistons 67 with 10:45 to go.

11:07- I think I just saw Usher. At the game. Not here at my house. Were he at my house, I don't think I'd be preoccupying myself with anything other than undressing. DG, TRfT AGAIN. Jesus. He has 21 one points...and his age ain't gonna stop him now? Sorry. I download "Shortie Like Mine" while we go to commercial with the Cavs up 10 points with 8:11 to go and DG, TRfT at the line.

11:16- Dirty Rasheed gets called for an offensive foul after he charges through Shirley, who have been, like, grinding under the basket like it's 2003 and "Get Busy" is playing. Rasheed gets called for a T, his seventh, which means that should there be a seventh game, he will not play in it. Also, the seventh Harry Potter book will come out. Probably at the same time. Lord knows these playoffs are going to last until about July 21.

11:20- DG, TRfT HITS ANOTHER THREE. Shia LeBeauf turned out, surprisingly, kind of hot; Transformers turned out, unsurprisingly, kind of lame looking. If it were fifty years ago, though, "Shia LeBeauf" would be "Kenneth Scotsdale," "James Weston," or something equally WASPy.

11:27- This game is quickly devolving into a free for all as the Pistons go small and we've got about eight guards on the floor. I mean, people are tripping over each other, passing it to their defenders, tossing at strange points on the floor. DG, TRfT hits a short jumper, giving him 31 for the night. Marv Albert informs us that he was sixth in his class in high school, which has totally made me love DG, TRfT. I like to be informed about these people. For example, ever since Jeff Francoeour shared with us all that he "[hates] books," I have no use for his ability to not take a pitch.

11:31- "At Orkin, knowledge is our best weapon"? Um, isn't it actually pressurized insect poison? I've met Joe, or "the Orkin guy," many times over the past few years and I'd say knowledge is not his best weapon.

11:35- Rip fouls out. Aw, Rip. You deserve better than these old fools and Chauncey Billups. Mike Brown, the man who failed to play DG, TRfT and Pavlovic (whose name I always read as Pavlov) for most of the season, is congratulated and recognized for "his achievement."

11:39- The Cleveland Cavaliers will make it to the NBA Finals for the first time in their history...where the Spurs will shoot lazers out of their eyes and, like, employ Michael Bay's TRANSFORMERS to completely devour the Cavs. Ilgauskas and LeBron hug for an extended period of time. I would not have paired them up.

11:42- Billups has taken his jersey off, and has my permission to do so at any time he pleases. Some used car salesman that TNT employs interviews DG, TRfT who has some really nice teeth.

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LIVEBLOG: Footloose Part II

Let's get straight to it.

0:47:55- BC Ren takes Crazy Ariel, Rusty, and Willard across the state line somewhere to go dance. "Hurts So Good" is blasting, making this place totally worth it. Willard can't dance it turns out, so he just sits there drinking. Ah, 1983 when the drinking age was still 18. "Footloose" starts up again which seems totally out of character for this vaguely western, honky tonk sort of establishment. Rusty "can't help herself" and runs out to dance. A 35 year-old man with a Tom Selleck moustache, cowboy hat, and plaid flannel shirt begins to dance with her. Willard takes offense. After Tom Selleck Jr. tells Willard to "flake off" [for real], and Willard says something dirty, they fight despite Rusty's pleas for no fighting.

0:53:44- They drive over the bridge where the kids drove off years ago. Willard brings this up. Um, Willard, that was awkward, as we find out, because Crazy Ariel's brother was one of the kids.

0:54:52- Whoops. The Reverend called over to Rusty's while they were out dancing. Angry fighting ensues. Crazy Ariel says something that I assume is smart assy- I say assume, because it doesn't actually make sense- and then, THE REVEREND SLAPS HER.

0:53:37- Boring scene where The Creepy Mrs. Moore tells the Reverend to either buck up, or she'll leave him. Or something. I don't know, fast forward through this. It's dumb.

0:58:03- BC Ren is spreading the word about the dance. Emo hair and his goons gang up on him to tell him that Hot Chuck does not approve of this dance concept. Winnie Jo runs inside to get Clark Kent. Edna and Crazy Ariel screech up. Clark pushes three guys up against the wall and is amusing and hot. Clearly Superman. Apparently, to get this dance idea passed, BC Ren will have to go before the town council.

1:00:02- BC Ren teaches Willard how to dance to "Let's Hear It For the Boy" which will be stuck in your head for the rest of your life. The entire scene is pretty gay, culminating in them praticing ballroom dancing in the middle of the school gym and following it up with some wrestling. Then, they wear matching black cowboy boots. No joke.

1:03:35- The Reverend refused to help the Bowtie Jackass fire that English teacher. This means: he is a hypocrite.

1:04:25- Aw, yeah. Get ready for some crazy. Hot Chuck's waiting for Crazy Ariel in his truck under the bleachers. He knows why she doesn't like him anymore; he calls her out for wanting BC Ren, she calls him stupid. Nice comeback, there, Ariel. She slaps him, he hits her to the ground. Then she runs up and grabs a pipe out his truck and SMASHES THE HEADLIGHTS AND A WINDOW. He beats her up some more. As he's driving away, she picks up a handful of gravel and tosses it at the truck. This is probably the best moment in this movie.

1:07:05- Ren comes to help her. He's kind of a condescending ass to a girl who just was swinging a led pipe. She gives him a music box. After a few strains of the music box, the Eighties' Guitar of Romance (also see: Top Gun) kicks in and they kiss. Really, really awkwardly. Definitely not one of those onscreen kisses where you're like "hey, I'd really like to switch places with her."

1:09:53- Speaking of uncomfortable, the Reverend and Creepy Wife discuss the days when she used to get the hots for him. With or without music and dancing.

1:11:28- The town council meeting is tomorrow, and Crazy Black-Eyed Ariel has a gift for BC Ren. A Bible with passages about dancing! Okay, that was a pretty genius move. They KISS. In SCHOOL. Somewhere an angel dies.

1:13:18- Hot Chuck's goons throw a brick in the window of Uncle Bible's house. BC Ren's small cousins scream and cry. Uncle Bible yells at Ren to stop making his point- it's supposed to be threatening, but all you can really take away from the speech is that Ren inexplicably has an Aunt Lulu. Sappy scene with BC Ren and his mom ensues.

1:15:58- Town Council. Crazy Ariel is wearing a shirt that says "Dance Your Ass Off." She's standing in the back of the room, so presumably her father sees this shirt. Heh. The Reverend opposes BC Ren's motion, and the Creepy Wife looks exasperated. Uncle Bible agrees with the Reverend. Ass. Bowtie Jackass's wife gets up all angry until the Creepy Wife tells her to sit her ass down. BC Ren begins his relatively lame speech about dancing. Hot Chuck snickers from the back.

1:19:00- OH, HO HO. Ren starts reading from Psalm 118 about dancing- the camera cut is weird, though, and Ren is suddenly standing very erectly, holding the Bible like he's about to give a Shakespearian solliloquy. He jumps around and slams his fist on the table in front of the Reverend.

1:21:23- Shockingly, the motion failed. Ren's employer informs him that the next county literally starts about ten feet from where Ren works. DANCE: BACK ON.

1:22:21- Crazy Ariel enters the empty church, wearing a velvety black top and black jeans, where her father practices his sermon. She's jaded, etc. They argue about music, culminating in her screaming at him "I'm no saint, you know! I'M NOT EVEN A VIRGIN." Um, yeah. She then starts mocking religious forgiveness and they get into, like, a wrestling match before the church secretary runs in and completely ignores this telling him that the book burners are here.

1:25:30- The Reverend Hypocrite trots out again to tell the Bowtie Jackass and his wife that they shouldn't be burning books and to go home.

1:26:40- BC Ren comes over to talk to the Reverend about dancing, or something. Crazy Ariel lurks in the shadows as one does. The Reverend calls BC Ren, "your friend Ren" which...you know how she said she wasn't a virgin, Reverend? Well, I'd say Big City Ren McCormick's probably going to get a ride on the Crazy Train sometime soon. They make up.

1:28:51- Church. The Reverend is not screaming, so you know he's about to approve the dance. The music kicks up as the Reverend does indeed approve the dance and then Ren and Ariel smile at each other across the aisle in a very "we will hook up later" manner.

1:31:38- Kenny Loggins Song #2: "Heaven Helps the Man." Everyone inexplicably has a motorbike. Then, they go to the barn and get all musical-like cleaning up the place.

1:32:15- DANCE NIGHT. Creepy Wife earns her title by telling her daughter about eight times without blinking that she looks great. Which...she doesn't. She looks better in every other scene in this film, including the one where she's bleeding.

1:33:06- BC Ren pulls up in a red tux, making him look like some kind of waiter, and tells Ariel that she's beautiful. Which, again, wrong. But, I guess he has to say that if he wants to get some tonight.

1:34:25- The dance is predictably middle schoolish, with nobody dancing and everybody separate. There is a TON of food, though. Clearly, all the Christian Coallition Parents needed was the Reverend's hesitant, tacit approval and suddenly the oven's were fired up. An awesomely cheesy song "Almost Paradise" blares. Finally, Ren and Ariel get there and start dancing.

1:36:10- I guess Ariel's parents trailed her there. They hop out of their truck and look on at the lit up barn, while wearing matching sweaters. Old People Romance- fast forward.

1:38:01- Apparently, trailing is the popular thing in Beaumont. Hot Chuck and his goons have followed Willard and Rusty. Willard reiterates his promise to Rusty that he won't fight. Three guys come at him and he hits the ground, while one grabs her. Willard: "What do you want me do, Rusty?" Rusty: "KILL THE SON OF A BITCH." Best line of the movie. Ren runs up and then they both somehow kick the shit out of five guys. Whatever.

1:40:14- Final Dance Sequence. With glitter all about, and just one quick shot of Clark Kent, everyone suddenly is a professional dancer and totally willing to dance. There are literally nine shots of Lori Singer (Crazy Ariel) screaming, smiling, and/or laughing. Once you're looking for that, you will start cracking up by the end of the scene. Well, that's pretty much it. I mean, what else can you ask for.

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Damn It.

Wrong night to not watch the game; LeBron had a Jordanesque game with 48 points in a game that went into double overtime. ARGH.

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