Movie Time

Live Free or Die Hard: Bruce Willis kicks ass, everybody is witty (Willis and the bad guy), stuff blows up, Bruce Willis kicks even more ass, everybody is seriously hilarious (Justin Long and McLane's daughter), and all kinds of shit blows up. Whoever was involved with this knows how to make a freaking summer blockbuster that doesn't suck. Also, props to them for not making McLane's daughter a lame damsel in distress when she gets kidnapped and for "Okay. You're gonna have to dig deep inside yourself and grow some bigger balls." So many other good lines, though. This movie rules. GO SEE IT. That is all.

All About Eve: Nominated for fourteen Oscars for a reason, let me tell you. Bette Davis is the deliciously nasty, completely empathetic drunk whose slighted Margo wins you over almost immediately. Anne Baxter is a crazy, crazy, CRAZY bitch who's deceptively trying to take Margo's place in life. The movie's about Broadway, which rings a bit false, but the dialogue pops and Baxter, Davis, and George Sanders bring complete depth to their characters. The film gets you totally involved, you're actively hoping that Eve fails but at the same time totally impressed with how awful she is.

Roman Holiday: I love Audrey Hepburn. She basically embodies what I perceive to be class and charm. However, I have yet to see a movie where I like her leading man; Bogart's too old for her in Sabrina (though Holden is a good match), Prepard's too old/serious/stiff/creepy in Breakfast at Tiffany's, and Gregory Peck's blandness in this film is overwhelming. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that Audrey Hepburn probably had chemistry with a telephone pole and so producers thought they could cast any big name opposite her and it would work. I need to watch Charade again, though, because I think Cary Grant might do the trick. Anyway, this movie, which introduced Hepburn, contains too little Hepburn; the beginning's great but it lags as Peck becomes the central character. The film didn't engage very much, though I will say that a charming European princess was the perfect role for Hepburn.

Ratatouille: I might need to see this again because I was exhausted and we saw it at 10, so I wasn't really feeling kind towards the world. Here's the first impression: Really good, but not I-Rant-and-Rave-About-It-Fantastic; better than Monsters Inc., not as good as Finding Nemo or The Incredibles. At the end of it all, I couldn't really get over the rats in the kitchen- with the exception of the main character, Remy, because he looked like a really, really clean, tiny, fluffy rat that would probably wear socks and mittens if you asked him nicely. The animation was absolutely gorgeous, however, and the music was a great balance of cheesy Parisian cliches and well-placed score. The rats, though. I really don't like rodents.

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Harry Potter and the Thinly Veiled Flirting

While I typically hestitate to share my somewhat alarming obsession with Harry Potter with the general public (if by "hesitate to share" I mean "babble to anyone who will listen to me"), press season for the movies tends to be the time I air my thoughts. With Order of the Pheonix premiering on Thursday in Tokyo, I knew it was time for Harry Potter Hair Watch 2007. I was not disappointed.

Two batches of press junket photos have revealed:
a. That Rupert Grint has finally (FINALLY) learned what the appropriate length and cut for his hair is,
b. That I am still unable to decide whether or not Dan Radcliffe is, or will be, decent looking,
c. That Emma Watson and Rupert Grint made the correct decision in getting their teeth fixed in between films,
d. That Dan should take note, and
e. That Emma Watson was clearly told "YOU MUST BE TOUCHING A FELLOW CASTMEMBER AT ALL TIMES."

Now, I like Watson a lot. She seems fairly well grounded, tends to show up places looking fabulous, and still manages to kick absolute ass at school. I love the fact that she almost passed up the last two movies because she wants so badly to go to university, and forced WB to work around that. She also has pretty hair. But, for real (and seriously this is just a taste):

"Note my casual posture, my nonchalant shoulder touching. Yes, the flirting has begun."

"It APPEARS like we are dating, does it not?"


"Not so fast. I can touch him, too."

"I can flirt with them in a box, with a fox, in a house, with a mouse, here or there, or anywhere. Even in front of Parliament. Especially there."

"HAHAHAHA, you've noticed that I will not let them go! Flirting, flirting, flirting! HAHAHA."

"For real, bitches."

What would have happened if Jonathan Rhys Myers or Hugh Dancy or somebody was in these films? Would she be draped around his shoulders? Sitting on his lap?

God knows what would happen if Channing Tatum was around.

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Movie Round Up

Volver: I totally love this movie. Super good with a sort of surreal, magical realism Gabriel Garcia Marquez vibe to it that apparently all Almodovar films have. Clearly, I need to get with it here. Penelope Cruz was actually very good (perhaps the permanent joy of getting off the Tom Cruise Express before the stop at Insanity Blvd. where Katie Homes came aboard, has turned her into a good actress). Though appearance wise she looked nothing like the rest of her family members, but she's gorgeous so I'll excuse it. Loved the dialogue, and the absolutely fantastic one liners- I actually laughed out loud several times, watching a movie by myself, which never happens. Also, the subtitles didn't get on my nerves (rare), but then again, my Spanish came back to me enough during the movie, that by the end, I didn't really need the subtitles. Sometime this week, I'm totally going to rent Hable Con Ella, La Mala Educacion, or Todo Sobre Mi Mama. At least one of them.

To Catch a Thief: The least regarded of Hitchcock's films plays out sort of blandly. I mean, don't get me wrong, Grace Kelly and Cary Grant are fantastic and charming, but that's always going to happen. When they're on screen together, the movie improves drastically- they have great chemistry, look fantastic together, and his charming liar character clashes well with her outwardly prim, secretly wild character. But still, it leaves a bit to be desired. I've heard that this is almost like the precursor to Charade, which seems totally incorrect to me, but I've only seen part of Charade. I'm always up for a good Audrey Hepburn movie, though, so it's going on my list.

Letters From Iwo Jima: Fantastic and extremely sad; the kind of sad that makes you spend the whole movie expecting horrible things to happen to the characters you like the best. Ultimately, the movie's conclusion is that war is futile, but its best scenes revolve around the moments of humanity between the soldiers, and the horrifying moments when the humanity that was just there, isn't anymore. My favorite two scenes involve the former and the latter; the first is when the soon to be blinded, former Olympian Baron Nishi reads the wounded American's soldier's letter from his mother to the slowly rising troops within the cave. I actually cried when Saigo slowly approaches his dead friend in the American trench, that's how good this movie is. Hands down, the most horrifying scene contains a radio cast with Japanese children serenading, at the behest of the Emperor, to Watanabe's character. The general, Watanabe, is the one spot of the movie that falls somewhat flat to me; I understand that he's conflicted, but his introspectives are somewhat disjointed and his sacrifice doesn't quite stand up to Nishi's suicide in terms of powerful scenes. Overall, though, a lot of moments that involve this thought process: DAMN IT, DON'T DO THAT....wait a minute...why am I upset that the Japanese are losing?

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When Boredom Strikes. Frequently.

Things I read about today at work:

• The plans for Paris Hilton's post-incarceration party
• The Washington Post's four part series on the atrociousness of the DC Public School System [this began as bored reading and then actually became extremely relavent to my job in the afternoon when I had to research it]. The most horrible/darkly hilarious part of it: an American University student taught at a DC elementary school for student teaching or something and the students were so used to the mice in their classroom that they had named them and drew pictures of them. I'm going to hell, obviously, but I did kind of laugh about that.
  
• Why Hillary "Tits Magee" Clinton is getting the woman vote in the primary
• Bush trying to get an Immigration Bill back on the table. If only the damn GOP would get on board.
  
• Potential trades for Kobe Bryant. People seem to think he might be able to go to the Knicks. I just don't see that happening; Isiah has managed to destroy the franchise so much that they simply do not have something competitive to send to the Lakers.
  
• Why the GOP totally hearts Scooter and, like, hates Alberto (which...word.)
  
• John Hollinger's theory for fixing the NBA Playoffs
• Jemele Hill's interesting take on Bruce Bowen
  
• A review for Toby Keith's new album (I'm not such a TK fan)
  
• Dale Earnhardt Jr. signing with Hendrick
• Why my boss thinks Mitt Romney, or as he's called in some circles "Hott Mitt," is an extremely legitimate, very likable candidate
• The lyrics to "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse.
  
• The complete tech specs for both MacBooks and MacBook Pros
• What Wikipedia has to say about Scientology (this happened because of a dead end during some background research for an article that randomly had a link there).
  

Sites I visited today at work:

• Facebook. Obviously.
  
• Go Fug Yourself (oh, Marcia Gay)
  
• washingtonpost.com
• Defamer
• ESPN.com
  
• The Comics Curmudgeon. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  
• Drudge Report
• Wonkette (I KNOW. I'M SORRY. JUST REVOKE MY GOP MEMBERSHIP. I can't help it, I think it's funny.)
• Buster Olney's MLB Blog
• Tomato Nation
• TMZ...I'm trying to figure out which I prefer, TMZ or Defamer.
  
• Television Without Pity
• The Fix on washingtonpost.com, which had an interesting translation of the Rudy email today.
  

New favorite commercial: 50 Cent for Vitamin Water. It may have just topped David Ortiz and Brian Urlacher for Vitamin Water.

Peyton Manning is at the Cavs game. Ew. And...why? ABC immediately cuts to Eva Longoria, who despite cheering for the other team, is Night at the Roxbury head nodding to Hang On Sloopy. At least she isn't wearing that ridiculous Andre 3000 hat she had on the other night. You know, despite all the obligatory "Ours Is an Endless LOVE. That's right, LOVE." with Tony Parker and Eva Longoria, I kind of want those kids to make it.

The center court NBA trophy continues to confound me. It's just so...cartoonish. I am almost as perplexed as Bill Russell was during Ben Harper's weird slide guitar rendition of the National Anthem.

Okay, Duncan and LeBron both have 3 fouls. I'm not sure how this series could get any duller. I mean, maybe they could just stop playing basketball? Sit at midcourt and basket weave or something?

ABC, we need to have a talk. David Blain is entirely unacceptable. We all know this. Hell, you probably know this. Replacing the already poorly placed Pussycat Dolls with that Sound Effects choir from the Oscars, though, is another startlingly out-of-touch move. A commercial I do enjoy, however, is the Nike "just believe" LeBron ad with the grainy shot and the old-school soul. It's very clean, classy, and effective.

I'm not really sure how I feel about Fantastic Four 2. On the one hand, the first one was acceptably mediocre. Of course, Jessica Alba defied awful. I mean, even as a girl I can say that she looked hot in that movie, but damn was she wooden. Take this for instance:

Dr. Doom or Whatever: Let's not fight.
Sue Storm, Which Is a Dumb Name to Begin With: No [long pause in which the viewer is able to contemplate just how ineffective that "no" sounded] let's. This is easily the most stilted, ineffectual reading of a two word sentence that only required "NO, LET'S." to make up for how poorly worded the entire exchange was.

Also, I'm kind of disturbed by what I've seen of this Silver Surfer person. First of all, that too is a really dumb name. Secondly, he just seems sort of stilted, himself. I'm sure that's for effect. But really I just can't believe that the MOST BADASS thing they could come up with was a sparkly guy on a surfboard and a weird voice.

Anyway, I have to go blowdry my hair. I wish I was kidding.

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LIVEBLOG: Footloose Part II

Let's get straight to it.

0:47:55- BC Ren takes Crazy Ariel, Rusty, and Willard across the state line somewhere to go dance. "Hurts So Good" is blasting, making this place totally worth it. Willard can't dance it turns out, so he just sits there drinking. Ah, 1983 when the drinking age was still 18. "Footloose" starts up again which seems totally out of character for this vaguely western, honky tonk sort of establishment. Rusty "can't help herself" and runs out to dance. A 35 year-old man with a Tom Selleck moustache, cowboy hat, and plaid flannel shirt begins to dance with her. Willard takes offense. After Tom Selleck Jr. tells Willard to "flake off" [for real], and Willard says something dirty, they fight despite Rusty's pleas for no fighting.

0:53:44- They drive over the bridge where the kids drove off years ago. Willard brings this up. Um, Willard, that was awkward, as we find out, because Crazy Ariel's brother was one of the kids.

0:54:52- Whoops. The Reverend called over to Rusty's while they were out dancing. Angry fighting ensues. Crazy Ariel says something that I assume is smart assy- I say assume, because it doesn't actually make sense- and then, THE REVEREND SLAPS HER.

0:53:37- Boring scene where The Creepy Mrs. Moore tells the Reverend to either buck up, or she'll leave him. Or something. I don't know, fast forward through this. It's dumb.

0:58:03- BC Ren is spreading the word about the dance. Emo hair and his goons gang up on him to tell him that Hot Chuck does not approve of this dance concept. Winnie Jo runs inside to get Clark Kent. Edna and Crazy Ariel screech up. Clark pushes three guys up against the wall and is amusing and hot. Clearly Superman. Apparently, to get this dance idea passed, BC Ren will have to go before the town council.

1:00:02- BC Ren teaches Willard how to dance to "Let's Hear It For the Boy" which will be stuck in your head for the rest of your life. The entire scene is pretty gay, culminating in them praticing ballroom dancing in the middle of the school gym and following it up with some wrestling. Then, they wear matching black cowboy boots. No joke.

1:03:35- The Reverend refused to help the Bowtie Jackass fire that English teacher. This means: he is a hypocrite.

1:04:25- Aw, yeah. Get ready for some crazy. Hot Chuck's waiting for Crazy Ariel in his truck under the bleachers. He knows why she doesn't like him anymore; he calls her out for wanting BC Ren, she calls him stupid. Nice comeback, there, Ariel. She slaps him, he hits her to the ground. Then she runs up and grabs a pipe out his truck and SMASHES THE HEADLIGHTS AND A WINDOW. He beats her up some more. As he's driving away, she picks up a handful of gravel and tosses it at the truck. This is probably the best moment in this movie.

1:07:05- Ren comes to help her. He's kind of a condescending ass to a girl who just was swinging a led pipe. She gives him a music box. After a few strains of the music box, the Eighties' Guitar of Romance (also see: Top Gun) kicks in and they kiss. Really, really awkwardly. Definitely not one of those onscreen kisses where you're like "hey, I'd really like to switch places with her."

1:09:53- Speaking of uncomfortable, the Reverend and Creepy Wife discuss the days when she used to get the hots for him. With or without music and dancing.

1:11:28- The town council meeting is tomorrow, and Crazy Black-Eyed Ariel has a gift for BC Ren. A Bible with passages about dancing! Okay, that was a pretty genius move. They KISS. In SCHOOL. Somewhere an angel dies.

1:13:18- Hot Chuck's goons throw a brick in the window of Uncle Bible's house. BC Ren's small cousins scream and cry. Uncle Bible yells at Ren to stop making his point- it's supposed to be threatening, but all you can really take away from the speech is that Ren inexplicably has an Aunt Lulu. Sappy scene with BC Ren and his mom ensues.

1:15:58- Town Council. Crazy Ariel is wearing a shirt that says "Dance Your Ass Off." She's standing in the back of the room, so presumably her father sees this shirt. Heh. The Reverend opposes BC Ren's motion, and the Creepy Wife looks exasperated. Uncle Bible agrees with the Reverend. Ass. Bowtie Jackass's wife gets up all angry until the Creepy Wife tells her to sit her ass down. BC Ren begins his relatively lame speech about dancing. Hot Chuck snickers from the back.

1:19:00- OH, HO HO. Ren starts reading from Psalm 118 about dancing- the camera cut is weird, though, and Ren is suddenly standing very erectly, holding the Bible like he's about to give a Shakespearian solliloquy. He jumps around and slams his fist on the table in front of the Reverend.

1:21:23- Shockingly, the motion failed. Ren's employer informs him that the next county literally starts about ten feet from where Ren works. DANCE: BACK ON.

1:22:21- Crazy Ariel enters the empty church, wearing a velvety black top and black jeans, where her father practices his sermon. She's jaded, etc. They argue about music, culminating in her screaming at him "I'm no saint, you know! I'M NOT EVEN A VIRGIN." Um, yeah. She then starts mocking religious forgiveness and they get into, like, a wrestling match before the church secretary runs in and completely ignores this telling him that the book burners are here.

1:25:30- The Reverend Hypocrite trots out again to tell the Bowtie Jackass and his wife that they shouldn't be burning books and to go home.

1:26:40- BC Ren comes over to talk to the Reverend about dancing, or something. Crazy Ariel lurks in the shadows as one does. The Reverend calls BC Ren, "your friend Ren" which...you know how she said she wasn't a virgin, Reverend? Well, I'd say Big City Ren McCormick's probably going to get a ride on the Crazy Train sometime soon. They make up.

1:28:51- Church. The Reverend is not screaming, so you know he's about to approve the dance. The music kicks up as the Reverend does indeed approve the dance and then Ren and Ariel smile at each other across the aisle in a very "we will hook up later" manner.

1:31:38- Kenny Loggins Song #2: "Heaven Helps the Man." Everyone inexplicably has a motorbike. Then, they go to the barn and get all musical-like cleaning up the place.

1:32:15- DANCE NIGHT. Creepy Wife earns her title by telling her daughter about eight times without blinking that she looks great. Which...she doesn't. She looks better in every other scene in this film, including the one where she's bleeding.

1:33:06- BC Ren pulls up in a red tux, making him look like some kind of waiter, and tells Ariel that she's beautiful. Which, again, wrong. But, I guess he has to say that if he wants to get some tonight.

1:34:25- The dance is predictably middle schoolish, with nobody dancing and everybody separate. There is a TON of food, though. Clearly, all the Christian Coallition Parents needed was the Reverend's hesitant, tacit approval and suddenly the oven's were fired up. An awesomely cheesy song "Almost Paradise" blares. Finally, Ren and Ariel get there and start dancing.

1:36:10- I guess Ariel's parents trailed her there. They hop out of their truck and look on at the lit up barn, while wearing matching sweaters. Old People Romance- fast forward.

1:38:01- Apparently, trailing is the popular thing in Beaumont. Hot Chuck and his goons have followed Willard and Rusty. Willard reiterates his promise to Rusty that he won't fight. Three guys come at him and he hits the ground, while one grabs her. Willard: "What do you want me do, Rusty?" Rusty: "KILL THE SON OF A BITCH." Best line of the movie. Ren runs up and then they both somehow kick the shit out of five guys. Whatever.

1:40:14- Final Dance Sequence. With glitter all about, and just one quick shot of Clark Kent, everyone suddenly is a professional dancer and totally willing to dance. There are literally nine shots of Lori Singer (Crazy Ariel) screaming, smiling, and/or laughing. Once you're looking for that, you will start cracking up by the end of the scene. Well, that's pretty much it. I mean, what else can you ask for.

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LIVEBLOG: Footloose Part I

Because I don't particuarly want to watch the game tonight, I've chosen, instead, to liveblog Footloose, probably my favorite eighties movie. Many have not seen it, which is sad, because seeing this movie will immediately improve the quality of your life. After watching it again for about the tenth time in the past two years, I have tried to do it justice tonight. Really, though, it's better to watch with a group of people, as witnessed a year ago in Myrtle Beach. Cannot be overstated how much this movie combines the two pillars of a great eighties movie: AWESOME and CHEESY. I will say, however, that Step Up has made it into the upper echelon of my favorite dance movies, along with Dirty Dancing (a mainstay) and Footloose (the sleeper), after replacing Save the Last Dance, which has become the poor man's Step Up- nowhere near as fun and way, way too much emotion baggage.

First, some left over thoughts from last night:

I feel like there's a gulag/One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich joke I could make everytime I see Kirilenko on screen. But really, he sort of looks like what happens when you cut the scarecrow down from the post. Like a big stick figure that's come to life or something. A Russian stick figure.

Mehmet Okur, at one point, tapped the ref on the shoulder as he walked off the court for a timeout, like he was going to see if, like, maybe the ref, like, you know, likes anybody? You know, like likes? Because, like, Mehmet was wondering, you know, like if the ref is, like, going to the dance with anybody?

Can we retire the phrase "coming out party"? I don't think any heterosexual man, especially a professional athlete, wants to have their success defined as a "coming out party."

Because I am slowly becoming Vanderbilt in human form, I bought some madras plaid shorts from J. Crew the other day. I realize just how conservative madras really is now. These shorts are comfortable, yes, but more importantly, like the J. Crew Chastity Shorts. There is a zipper, two thick clasps, a button, and a drawstring that must be tied because of its length. Just remember, if you plan on shimmying out of some shorts, don't go with the madras plaid.

Onto the incredibly underrated classic film, Footloose.

0:00:19- The opening credits feature about two dozen sets of feet in various ugly footwear from 1983 dancing about to the musical stylings of Kenny Loggins, who has not one but two songs in this film, one of which (the title song) plays about four times. My favorite shows? The second pair [cowboy boots and torn jeans] which look like they belong to someone attractive.

0:02:47- There's several establishment shots to demonstrate that this film's setting is the middle of nowhere. John Lithgow, who plays Reverend Shaw Moore, screams to his congregation that "GOD IS TESTING US" and how dancing and hot music sucks. Kevin Bacon looks exasperrated, and Sarah Jessica Parker- from across the congregation- is all "look hot boy, everybody, look at the hot new boy." Her friend rolls her eyes, and paints her nails.

0:04:57- Dianne Wiest (the future Manhattan DA of Law & Order fame) plays Mrs. Moore. She is known in this house as "The Creepy Wife in Footloose." Kevin Bacon's name is Ren. No, that's never explained. He's introduced as new from Chicago (He's a big city boy! Bad! Probably likes dancing and sex!) to the John Lithgow's daughter: Crazy Ariel, the girl who was painting her nails red during church. Bitch crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. SJ Parker and her friend giggle hysterically about three feet from Ren as he's introduced.

0:07:25- The girls hop in the blond girl's car and talk about sex in a manner that would never pass in a teen movie today. A truck pulls up behind them with guitar heavy music blaring: it's Chuck, who may be a bastard but sure is hot. Crazy Ariel yells out the window "You feelin' lonely tonight?" with a wink. They start racing, and the CRAZY comes out. Ariel grabs onto the window of his truck and starts climbing out, then stands up in the two windows and dancing around and wooping like a crazy person while an 18-wheeler starts coming the otherway. She makes it through. Shockingly.

0:09:36- Back at Bible Central, some jackass in a bowtie tells the reverend that there's a problem at the school where the English teacher is still planning to teach The Slaughterhouse Five. Big City Ren, of course, has read it and loved it. For those keeping score, Ren is a Vonnegut fan and briefly develops a Southern accent.

0:11:02- It's suddenly night. Hot Chuck and Crazy Ariel pull up at the unidentified local teen hang out. Crazy Ariel's friends run up and scream at her. Their names: Edna, Winnie Jo, and Rusty. Clearly, they are not in a position to be giving anyone a hard time about anything. Crazy Ariel jumps out of the truck with some smuggled tapes and turns The Magically Loud Boombox on. The least offensive song ever plays. The Magically Loud Boombox carries not only through the parking lot, and in the diner, but into the bathrooms, and a nearby phonebooth.

0:12:41- The Reverend shows up and turns off the music. Obviously. People stare vacantly at him, even indoors rooms away from the Magical Boombox. The Reverend walks off into the night.

0:14:12- Speaking of vacant staring, the entire school stares BC Ren down as he pulls into the parking lot. I don't understand why'd they care so much. If anything, they'd be staring at him because he's in a yellow VW bug, which is the most womanly car they could put a sort of elfin looking actor in. He immediately gets pushed around, until he meets Willard (Chris Penn, pre-fat days). Willard's friend, who we like to call Clark Kent, lurks in the background.

0:15:36- Rusty, foreshadowing her days as Carrie Bradshaw, tells BC Ren that his "tie is fabulous." BC Ren correctly remembers Crazy Ariel's name, which she acknowledges by nonchalantly saying "very good" in a mean voice that really means "soon, we will be hooking up."

0:17:38- BC Ren tells Willard a story about some hooker of a girl, named Ginger, that BC Ren danced with in a club, that is actually false but still funny. The point is: BC Ren loves to dance. Rusty, Willard, and Clark Kent match BC Ren's story and raise him the story behind why dancing is outlawed. Some kids were driving drunk, died, and the town blamed music and dancing.

0:21:23- Crazy Ariel apologizes to her father for the other night. This is entirely out of character with the rest of the film. He's kind of an ass about it, though, so maybe that's what shifts her into complete crazy mode.

0:23:23- BC Ren and Hot Chuck square off in the school parking lot after a near fender bender. See, the excitement! The daring! Hot Chuck: "Hey, what happened to your tie? I thought only pansies wore neckties." BC Ren: "And I thought only assholes used the word pansy." Hot Chuck, I'm afraid you're already fighting a losing battle, sir. Willard warns BC Ren about Hot Chuck.

0:24:42- After getting a job at a mill-type place and getting the traditional You're an Outsider, Boy speech, BC Ren looks up to find a leg wearing red boots and jeans. Crazy Ariel, in a hideous fringed leather jacket, tells BC Ren that BC Ren has been challenged by Hot Chuck to some sort of duel in one of the Cranstons' fields.

0:26:06- BC Ren is a gymnast. I don't think they could have picked anything gayer than that. Willard informs Crazy Ariel tries really hard to look tough, and that she's been around the block but is not really all that hardcore. He's wrong there. Really, really wrong.

0:26:47- Immediate cut to Ariel and a shirtless Hot Chuck who have clearly just had sex. "Been kissed a lot," my ass, Willard. They banter about her red boots and then exposits that she is going to college, damn it. She may not be Big City Ariel, but, as God is her witness, she will not be Small Town Ariel.

0:28:33- Hot Chuck and BC Ren PLAY TRACTOR CHICKEN! This scene also features: implied marijuana use by Hot Chuck, a shot of Crazy Ariel that makes her look horribly anorexic, amusing banter from Clark Kent, a really gay salmon sweatshirt that BC Ren wears, and the Magical Boombox playing Bonnie Taylor's "I Need a Hero." BC Ren drives horribly, tries to stop, gets his shoes caught, but wins out in the end, leaving Hot Chuck to bail out and swim.

0:32:02- Rusty gives Crazy Ariel the low down about BC Ren, managing to use the phrases "get your dogs barking" and "curl your toes" which were never again used in actual conversation.

0:33:23- Some kid with emo hair offers BC Ren a joint, which he refuses infront of a teacher with a porn 'stache, who then runs in and chases Emo Hair and Ren to the bathroom where BC Ren flushes the joint. Pornstache then, like, jumps on top of BC Ren and tells him that he's going to get him- extremely appropriate behavior from an educator. BC Ren then gets bitched out by his uncle, who's heard that there have been drugs at the school, and TRACTOR RACING. Ren leaves in fit of awesome.

0:35:54- Okay, everybody, get ready. First, BC Ren hops out of the car in a warehouse and is revealed to be both smoking and drinking a beer while driving. Excellent. He pops in a tape and jumps out the car to dance about the warehouse in skin-tight jeans and a wife beater. My favorite part, personally, is when he flips around on this wall with a heaving chest like a woman. Other part that's fun: when he swings on a large cable that may or may not be secure. Naturally, just as he's jumping on his car to dance some more, Crazy Ariel pops out from the shadows cheering.

0:38:50- Creepiest exchange ever recorded on film: Ren gets into his car and Crazy Ariel runs around to the other side and puts her head in the open window, asking with wide, wide eyes: "Do you want to kiss me?" His reply: "Someday." It's very uncomfortable. She wants to dwell on the awkwardness and gets in the car. He basically calls her a slut.

0:40:09- "Wanna see something?" You know, Crazy Ariel, that sounded like it was dirty, not some hollowed out railcar with poems and lyrics and junk written on the walls. Of course, the first thing she shows him is a dirty poem she wrote. Okay, Ariel, you get some points back. She gets a glint in her eye, as some would call it "insanity," as the train approaches. She jumps out on the tracks and stands and screams like a movie. BC Ren dives to push her out of the way. They lay around but do not kiss.

0:43:10- The Reverend catches his crazy daughter sneaking in. She wasn't drinking, having sex, or dancing. Tonight, anyway. But she was out with Ol' Big City Ren.

0:45:00- BC Ren's been kicked off the gymnastics team for keeping Crazy Ariel out too late. Some fools drive by and laugh at Ren for getting kicked off. This seems dumb to me; they'd totally be calling him a fag for being on the gymnastics team to begin with. Willard unknowingly gives Ren an idea. To get back at the Reverend, they're going to have a dance! Way to stick it to the man, Ren. The man, however, is lame, as he proves over and over again in some practiced I'm Too Good For You People...I Mean, God Loves Us speech to various church groups.

Tomorrow: the second half.

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LIVEBLOG: Pistons-Cavs Game 4

8:50- Alright, we're at the beginning of the second quarter, it's Cavs 26, Pistons 24. Pavlovic decides to dive, like, horizontally and attempt a shot. Billups responds with a three and Cleveland turns it over two times with consecutive walks. Chauncey's all over the place tonight- fifteen points already.

8:54- Daniel Gibson, the rookie from Texas if you will, looks like Chris Brown. Well, I'm not really sure that's true, but he certainly looks like what I imagine Chris Brown looks like. On a note from the other night: I can't believe they call this stadium "The Q." That's the lamest thing I've ever heard.

8:58- Daniel Gibson, the rookie from Texas, feeds LeBron James with a huge dunk on a fast break. Cavs 32, Pistons 29 with to 8:45 go. Daniel mistakingly believes that everyone "loves" LeBron James. False, sir. This game is sort of painful to watch; perhaps, my ability to tolerate atrocious eastern conference games has finally been saturated.

9:05- Okay, I've switched to the last two innings of the Giants-Mets game. It's tied at three in the top of the eighth.

9:13- I can finally type again. Other people were in the room and, because I'm twelve, I didn't want anyone getting suspiscious about what...

9:30- ...I'm doing. Clearly, I have issues. Well, we're in the bottom of the ninth at Shea with one out and David Wright up to bat. In other news, the Cavs are up 50-43 at the half. Oh, wow. The Giants' reliever, Coretta has a mullet with his fine, straight, blonde little girl hair. Wright hits the ball just off the top of the fence and grins after Fred Lewis nearly catches it but fails. A weird shot immediately follows in which Beltran and someone else stared silently at Fred Lewis.

9:36- The Giants walk Lo Duca, the crying wonder, and get Damon Easley to pop up, bringing JULIO FRANCO with two outs in the bottom of the ninth with runners on first and second. What do Julio Franco, Michael Jackson, Madonna, and my mother have in common? They were all born in 1958. He hits a hard grounder up the middle, Omar Vizquel dives behind the bag and tosses it over his shoulder to get the out at second, ending the inning and sending it into extra innings. Omar and Julio's combined age: 88.

9:41- "You can tell by the crowd who's coming out to hit: Barry Bonds." Many people boo. Were I there, I would join in. But first, Fred Lewis is up. He hit for the cycle a few weeks ago in only his 16th big league game and strongly resembles Kenny Lofton.

9:43- The boos are extremely loud. Best crowd shot is definitely a boy holding up a poster that reads: "B*NDS" while holding a camera to take pictures of Bonds. Barry walks; people boo.

9:48- Bonds must be telling Carlos Delgado one hell of a story. He's, like, rambling to Carlos over there at first. Frandsen drives the ball to right where it tags the chalk, barely, and hops out for a standup double that sends Barry to third. Guess Barry didn't get to finish the story, which I'm sure was more like "Howareyouthatsgood. I'M GOOD. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME" than an actual story with a beginning and end.

9:53- Pitching change: Heilman for the Mets comes in with two outs and runners on second and third. Aurelia lines out to second.

9:57- Russ Ortiz comes out the bullpen in the bottom of the tenth. Old Russ just loves to walk people and has a 5.38 ERA. This should go well for the Giants. Jose Reyes walks. Um, wow. The Sportscenter minute brings us Shawn Hill stealing home for the go ahead run off Andy Pettite in the Yankees-Jays game. I would enjoy seeing Jose do something similar. My fantasy team would also enjoy seeing Jose do something similar. His 28 stolen bases are more than 16 teams.

10:01- I like Bengie Molina's helmet with GIANTS up both ways along the mask. Apparently Russ Ortiz is going to keep trying to pick Jose off. 'Tis a foolish enterprise. Fool. Reyes takes off but Chavez fouls it off. Chavez grounds into a fielder's choice. EXCELLENT, CHAVEZ.

10:04- Beltran's now up with Chavez on first and two outs. 3-0 to Beltran. There is a small debate about giving Beltran the green light on 3-0; personally, after watching him choke last year against St. Louis in the NLCS, I'm giving him the take sign and moving a runner into scoring position with Carlos Number 2 up to bat. Count goes full to Beltran (shocker), but walks him with a pitch in the dirt (again, shocker). Delgado comes up with runnners on first and second, two outs, and the outfield playing shallow and a shift on with second base playing shallow right.

10:09- I switch over to Step Up briefly to watch Channing Tatum kiss the girl in that movie and then be awkward. Heeee.Carlos Delgado is now on first. Whoops. So, bases loaded with David Wright up to bat with two outs in the bottom of the tenth and the ability to win the game. Although he's very good looking he has some Sesame Street Bert eyebrows going on. He lines the ball to center- I mean, crushes it- but the centerfielder makes a great play to end the inning.

10:14- It's unclear why I have such a strong devotion to Step Up. I mean, Channing Tatum, yes. Obviously. But other than that, I can't quite figure out why I enjoy it so much. I don't watch it to mock it or marvel at its magnificence, both of which I do when I watch Footloose. Well, the one big exception is when Tyler's friend inspires him after Skinny's death to do better with their lives for their mothers, themselves, and for poor dead Skinny, and it is at that point that I yelll to my brother (who loves this movie as well) "Do you know how Tyler's going to do better? BY DANCING!" Oh, and Gay Daniel, the dancer with the sprained ankle- he's fun to laugh at too. The makeup that Nora, who is Channing Tatum's actual girlfriend in real life, is heinously eighties. She looks much, much better without it. I don't particularly care when Skinny dies, I giggle endlessly when Nora's mother tearfully shouts "BRAVO! BRAVO!" and I totally feel like Tyler's friend is the least street actor to ever play a supposedly street character. And yet, I love it. The dancing and the music (especially the editing on "I'mma Shine" in the movie with Nora's badass dancing and Tyler hanging out before Skinnny's intimely death) are fantastic, I know that. And, most importantly, Channing Tatum is in it and has that "Now, THERE is a MAN" quality that I like so much.

10:20- Anyway 3 up, 3 down in the top of the eleventh.

10:26- Lo Duca, he of the trade deadline crying, gets all huffy after a bad call and strikes out swinging. We get the slo-mo shot of him screaming "FUCK." Very classy, ESPN. He balls up in the corner of the dugout with his shinguard cover legs pulled up to his chest. Why don't you cry, Paul? Andy Roddick lost to somebody named Igor today at the French Open.

10:29- Two outs and a full count with Jose Reyes up. Anything can happen when the most explosive player in the game is up. Tim Lincecum, who I actually look older than, is still in the Giants dugout, which is cute. Reyes singles through the 5-6 hole. Ben Johnson is up. My brother plays baseball with a kid named Ben Johnson who is one half of the Langley High School Class of 2010 Annual Notoriously Gross PDA Couple. Old B-Money. While this is exciting, I have to switch over to watch the final scene of Step Up.

10:34- Unrealistic Moment of this Film #872- When Nora announces to her backup dancers that they are returning to the old dance and they cheer loudly. Though, it certainly is better, you know they'd be like "Goddamnit, Nora, we just spent a week learning a whole new freaking dance." And here it comes, "BRAVOOOOO!" Ha! That woman looks nothing like her supposed daughter.

10:39- Well, now that Tyler and Nora have made up, we're back with the Giants and the Mets where we've got Vizquel on first (who was walked apparently), no outs, and Fred Lewis bunting. He puts the bunt down and Vizquel moves to third. Dusty Baker appropriately recognizes that it is not Brian Cashman's fault, but the atrocious underachieving Yankee players like: Abreu (horrible), Giambi (injured and bad), Mussina (injured and bad), Matsui (old and bad), Damon (injured and horrible), Cano (bad).

10:44- Because the Mets-Giants game may never end, I've switched back over to the Pistons-Cavs game where Cleveland is up 85-79 with 3:38 to go. LeBron James hits a fadeaway jumper for three and confetti shoots up in front of the camera. Well, in my absence, the Giants scored after Delgado got the out at first and then threw home where Lo Duca made a marginal effort at tagging a forty year-old man.

10:49- Reyes is up again, against Armando Benitez the former Mets closer, who has gone full to Reyes and is not the old flamethrower he used to be.

10:52- Reyes walks. Endy Chavez, who's 0-5 tonight, is showing bunt. Benitez BALKS; Mets fans go CRAZY. Reyes is now on second with no outs.

10:55- Back in Cleveland, the Pistons have pulled within four with a minute-thirty to go and posession after Daniel Gibson, TRfT, is stripped of the ball. In New York, Chavez apparently bunted Reyes over to third; Carlos Beltran grounds out to second because he's a choker. Carlos 2 is up with two down in the 12th and Reyes on third.

10:57- BENITEZ BALKS AGAIN. Reyes comes in to tie the game, after he jumps around and distracts ol' Armando. Two balks in one inning! Ridiculous. Well. Tie game, in the bottom of the twelfth, with Carlos Delgado up. Score check: Cavs 88, Pistons 85 with 1:02 to go.

10:59- CARLOS DELGADO WALK OFF HOME RUN TO STRAIGHT CENTER. Mets 5, Giants 4 in 12.

11:00- Cleveland ball; Daniel Gibson TRfT inbounds to LeBron who passes into Gooden whose shot is blocked by Tayshaun Prince. Billups pulls up off balance for the three under coverage, Cavs get the rebound and the foul. LeBron misses for three, there is scrambling for the rebound and Eric Snow goes to the line after Rip is called for a push foul. Cleveland 89, Pistons 85 with 18 seconds to go.

11:05- Chauncey dribbles around for a long time, misses, McDyess taps it in with 5 seconds left. On the inbound, they foul LeBron James. He sinks the first one to give the Cavs a three point lead with 4 seconds to go. He nails the second. I get a little upset, because this gives a four point lead. The Pistons call a time out and I believe I see LeBron tell Drew Gooden "don't fuck this up." Dirrrty Rasheed misses. Cavs win. Damn.

Final Score: Cavs 91, Pistons
Series: Even.

Final Score: Mets 5, Giants 4.

Final Score: Channing Tatum Infinity, Everyone Else 0.

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