Liveblog: Vanderbilt Theatre's 'Keely and Du'

So, I'm an assistant editor for the Life Section of the Vanderbilt Hustler. I had to review the Vanderbilt production of "Keely and Du" the other night, which you can see here (sadly, a few jokes got cut). If you'd like to read a very thoughtful piece on the play, check out Kate Snowden's Torch article this month.

Anyway, the play's actually very well done. The objectivity was refreshing, but because I would probably liveblog a trip to the grocery store, I thought I’d toss this up here.

7:28- Really intense, like, bluegrass horror film music plays. Jasper knows he done Ella Mae wrong…but does Jasper know where the kitchen knives are?

7:44- After a good fifteen minutes of “Fried Green Angst: A Bluegrass Tribute to Linkin Park,” the lights dim and I get a fun PSA about not texting during the show. I’m also reminded to familiarize myself with the exit (already there).

7:46- Oh, no. Masks. What is this: Phantom of the Abortion Clinic?

7:49- “I’m easy to know.” Me too! I’m very easy to know.

7:51- After a solid two minutes of screams of “Let me go! Help! Please!” with tears and hysterics and hand cuffing to beds and phantom masks, I have already had enough.

7:57- “WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?” Keely, darling, WWJD Zorro just blabbered on about it for like five minutes like he was Lex Luthor or something. They’re not really Andrew Lloyd Webber fans, they’re crazy pro-lifers who kidnap pregnant women like you. This is fun, isn’t it?

7:59- WWJD Zorro: “You will fall in love with your baby.” Just like a fall fashion!

8:00- Um, fantastic, y’all. I so needed a detailed description of abortion right after dinner at Rand.

8:04- “DON’T TOUCH ME.” Keely, enough with the screaming. You’re not pleased with being handcuffed to that bed, I understand. For the sake of my eardrums, change tactics, champ.

8:05- Ah, yes, the obligatory college theatre screaming of “FUCK YOU.”

8:07- It’s like Keely and Du are in a contest to drive me towards insanity first. If it’s not the screaming, it’s the folksy Great Depression stories.

8:09- “I’m a Bible Christian.” …Okay? Perhaps the Torah Jews and Qur’an Muslims can weigh in. If we’re lucky, we may get a Constitution American to jump in.

8:10- WWJD Zorro pops with: mouthwash, oranges, ketchup, and emery boards. Sounds like a man went grocery shopping. And, ew, he bought her underwear. Sounds like a sexual harasser went to Wal-Mart.

8:15- Ah, yes, a good ol’ abortion pamphlet from the Phantom Phanatics Club. I’m sure it’s entitled something atrocious like “Commonly Senseless: Abortion and You.”

8:17- Tiny baby shoes! Even if you don’t like small children, your heart has to melt just a tiny little bit when you see a pair of baby Nikes.

8:18- Starbucks bag: even religious fundamentalists will overpay for their coffee. The old lady’s husband got arrested attacking a clinic in Louisiana. It’s seriously freezing in this theatre, I would overpay…a lot for something hot right now. A hot beverage, that is.

8:21- Keely, make up your mind. Either stop screaming or don’t, just pick a side. “Tammy Wynette, [cough] somebody else’s choice, obviously.” Keely, you just lost some points with me. Also, Tammy Wynette has been dead for almost a decade.

8:27- The ballad of August and Du, here. He used to be boring until he was a born again Christian, and EW. OLD PEOPLE SEX. GAH. NO.

8:30- Gratuitous cursing.

8:31- Keely and Du are touching. I half expect Keely to scream “NOOOOOO.”

8:35- Keely: “I have such black moods, you know?” Trust me, I know.

8:40- More screaming. Seriously, make it stop.

8:43- It’s Keely’s birthday and she gets: warm beer. Du: “Oh, one won’t hurt the baby.” Wrong. Even one warm Natty Lite could really hurt the baby.

8:44- NOOOOOOO! The Jesus Death Eater’s name is Walter. That’s my imaginary husband’s name. He even lets me drive to Woolworth’s!

8:51- “To really be alone up there on that mountain, what a feelin’” FLASHDANCE!

8:54- Keely’s sick of always being around people: “Always hearing other people talk, other people cough, other people sleep.” Yes, those sleepers are just deafening.

8:56- The Antarctica metaphor for being alone and or dying apparently exists about three feet above my head. I look around helplessly like I can just stop being Antarctica if I just believe that I’m not.

8:58- Aw, hugging.

8:59- Not!Walter has come a-knockin’ in the post-birthday celebration. Keely and Du give it the old college try to hide the beer in that “Just a minute” routine that happens at least once a night in every dorm building.

9:03- “It would be difficult for two women in your position to not become complicit.” Well, thanks for the update on what being a woman is like Not!Walter, but I can think of more than a few women I wouldn’t get complicit with no matter how handcuffed I was to a bed. Wait, that didn’t come out right.

9:06- Creepy Cole, Keely’s ex-husband who raped her, brings up her body and Jesus within seconds. Creepy Cole, Keely’s a bit touchy about Jesus right now. Also, not so big on the touching.

9:11- Oh, God. Creepy Cole, the RAPIST, starts talking about how he worships her body in front of Not!Walter and Love Me Du, over there. Now there is screaming, of course.

9:13- Screaming, screaming, screaming. Aaaaaaaaaand, she bites him.

9:14- The stage goes dark as Keely starts, in her one moment alone, bending some wire. I'm sure there's a Mommie Dearest joke to be made somewhere in there. But really, when isn't there a Mommie Dearest joke to be made?

9:18- Role reversal! Poor ol’ Du’s up in the joint, getting robbed and on Prozac, and Keely’s come to visit and cry.

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Liveblog: The 427th Democratic Debate

8:01- The candidates' heads float through a hall at Dartmouth University. It’s like Hogwarts!

8:02- It seems that BarriO was against the war back in 2002. It feels like I’ve heard this before, but I’m just not sure. Oh, cruel memory. Apparently, 2013 is four years from now.

8:04- Hillz is dressed like a ray of hazy, globally warmed sun. Hair looks pretty good, though.

8:06- January 2009 has come up about fifty-two times already. I will be turning 21 then. Anime John [insert shameless self-promotion...NOW] says something about Hillz; cut to her writing out the following to do list:
“1. Invest in pantsuit not made out of The Price Is Right set carpet.
2. Fire stylist #153
3. Call Clemenza re: Edwards”

8:09- JEEZ. Bill Richardson says something to the extent of “We must remove all troops” and the camera pans out to where BarriO’s staring at Bill like the reaper does. Yes, I've looked death in the face. I then slapped it.

8:12- Superfluous Chris Dodd has a nice blue shirt on tonight. That’s his main contribution for the evening.

8:16- The backdrop on this stage is a neon surrealist flag that split up so there are black bars where each candidate is. It’s both fabulous and fatalistic. Like "Xanadu."

8:18- Gravel flips out about Iran, calling out Hillz and BarriO. He pronounces Iran like EYE-RAN rather than EAR-RON. If I didn’t already dislike Gravel, that would probably do it.

8:19- I’m not gonna lie. I kind of like how much of a frosty ice queen Hillary Clinton is. I mean, bitch crazy. It’s pretty fantastic. Gravel calls her a whore for voting for Lieberman’s Iran resolution today, and she laughs.

8:23- We’re talking about North Korea and Syria now? Whatever. BarriO’s back—I’d sort of forgotten about him.

8:26- I will give credit where credit is due. I like Anime John’s tie. Anime John: “I have no intention of giving George W. Bush any authority to start another war.” Not a problem, John, you’re not a senator anymore.

8:31- What illegal immigrants are at Dartmouth? Rogue Mounties? Robin Sparkles?

8:33- This manly Allison newswoman is kind of hateful. I get the politics of it but still: if you’re going to trash George W. on Iraq, then you have to give him credit on trying to get the immigration bill passed.

8:41- Vector Vest? Who the hell named that?

8:43- “Certainly we all like and respect Hillary” …and she will kill us all with her terrible, terrible eyes!

8:45- Tim has gotten nasty here since the commercial break. And stupid. Hillz does not like it when people say she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

8:47- “I regret that and so did the late Senator Chafee” …but he’s dead now, so I can now use his plan and he can’t say anything about it.

8:49- Apparently this segment is “Tim Russert Will Now Ask You About Anything Nasty You’ve Ever Said About Hillary Clinton.”

8:55- Kucinich let Cleveland go bankrupt. Those people can’t get a break up there. The BCS Championship game, Drew Carey, Romeo Crennel, probably the worst NBA Finals performances ever, it just goes on and on. I mean, I won’t be surprised if Grady Sizemore and C.C. Sabathia’s arms fall off tomorrow.

8:59- Hateful Allison—from, I kid you not, “New England Cable News”—is like the stereotypical Northeastern snippy elitist.

9:10- Hillz wants to talk about fiscal responsibility!

9:12- Tim Russert looks a lot like the human Peter Griffith.

9:14- Everyone pussyfoots around saying that they hate old people and their demands for the blood of the today’s youth. Don’t you ever forget that the AARP owns your soul and will trade you away like a cheap, cheap hooker for the blue plate special at Denny’s and a discount on tires.

9:18- So, Kooch bankrupted Cleveland. Kooch wants to lower the retirement age back to 65. Will somebody just give him a pat on the head and send him home?

9:25- Hateful Allison: “Would you remove the federal drinking age?” Dartmouth students cheer, which is ridiculous because they’re at college with free alcohol, out on, like, a farm in New Hampshire. Nobody cares, Dartmouth.

9:27- It’s National Alpaca Farm Day both September 29 and September 30!

9:33- BarriO wants to end the “divisive politics” in this country, except he says it like “divissssiv.”

9:37- Chris Dodd has daughters aged six and two? If we’re being honest, I look like I’m about sixteen. I still more look age appropriate to have children aged six and two than Chris Dodd.

9:42- Kooch says something about oil dependency and the camera pans out so we get a fantastic shot of Hillz giving him a face, a picture of which is next to the definition of “Deadpan” in the dictionary.

9:47- Tim: “That scenario was laid out by William Jefferson Clinton”
Hillz: “Well, he’s not standing here tonight.” Good line, ma’am.

9:55- Anime John stomps around:
9:54:42 PM kmarsmill: he's come off a lot better tonight than last time
9:54:52 PM kmarsmill: much less angry, much more sympathetic
9:55:03 PM doogmanpga: heh
9:55:05 PM doogmanpga: there goes that
9:55:10 PM kmarsmill: it's like my magic touch

9:56- BarriO’s favorite Bible verse is apparently one he’s making up right now.

9:57- Hillz’s favorite: the Golden Rule. “A good one for life and for politics.” HA. I love that bitch.

9:58- Most important issue of the night. No, really. This is the most interested I’ve been.
Richardson: BoSox
Kooch: Indians
Hillz: Yanks unless the Cubs make the World Series then the “apocalypse is coming”
Gravel: BoSox
Dodd: BoSox
BarriO: ChiSox (sounds like an omen, Barrack)
Biden, awesomely: “I grew up with a grandfather who said if you weren’t a Yankees fan, you didn’t eat. Yankees.”

Katherine: Yankees and Phillies (…maybe the Rockies if they make it, the pitching holds up, and Matt Holliday continues to channel, like, the entire HOF. That would be weirder than Kooch being president, though...so, the Phillies. Rah Jimmy Rollins).

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LiveBlog: NBA Draft 2007

7:09- I'm really terrified by Jay Bilas. He's so...chipper. And he does this thing with his voice where he keeps babbling until he's breathlessly panting into his mike and his voice goes really low and gutteral. He kind of sounds like Jim Nance X'd out.

7:39- Boston is sending the number five, Delonte West, Wally Sczerbiak, and Wally's contract to Seattle for Ray Allen. Somewhere, a leprechaun cries.

7:58- Boston picks Green for Seattle and his mother goes all vogue on us throwing her left hand in front of her face to weep like Stern just announced her son's impending execution. I realize how absolutely FILTHY the Sonics will be with Durant and Green.

8:02- Everyone gets nervous as Yi Jianlin might be drafted by Milwaulkee, resulting in a land war in Asia. Dude, China must be so pissed right now. They're totally texting India right now all "omg...i hate those bitches."

8:11- The Timberwolves pick Corey Brewer. I don't have much to say besides: GO GATO...AH. JESUS. Glenda Brewer is growing straw out of her head, has hooker blush on, and black eyeliner thick as tire treads. She needs to shave her head and try again. God. Take her away!

8:17- Rachel Nichols is down in Charlotte. She had a meeting with MJ the other day and "chatted with him," so I'd guess she's been down in Charlotte, if you know what I mean. She really needs to go out and buy a better flat iron. Charlotte picks Brandan Wright.

8:21- Three strikes against Brandan Wright: MJ hates kids who don't care (GODDAMN YOU, KWAME BROWN), he just challenged MJ, and he has braces. On his teeth, not his legs. That would definitely be a big downside.

8:24- Jo Noah's going to Chicago! GO GATORS. He's dressed like a preppy river boat captain. Speaking of white people, the Kings select Spencer Hawes. I think he'd be a better pick for the Bulls, but I guess they had enough of tall, awkward white guys after all those years with Luc Longley. Spencer has a lisp. Things will go well there.

9:07- Rodney Stuckey goes to the Pistons. His name seems like the title character in a dark British satire. I can't tell if these suits actually look really good or if in ten years, I'll be like "Lord, I can't believe I used to think that was attractive."

9:10- ALRIGHT. The WASHINGTON WIZARDS SELECT NICK YOUNG. Thanks, God. I mean, we actually need a damn center, but Young is super good; that's more than we can say about our other picks the last few years. Oh, ew. Nick has, like, country bumpkin teeth and sounds drunk. Wait, maybe we need to give him back.

9:15- Breaking news: Zach Randolph will immediately be picked up tomorrow with a basketball shaped rock of cocaine in the middle of Times Square.

9:18- New Jersey picks up Sean Williams. I thought he would have been drafted higher. Hmm? Hmmmmm? Sorry.

9:23- Golden State drafts Marco Belinelli, who, outside of Yi, is the most perfect player for them in the draft. He's dressed a bit like he works for the Russian mob, though. China to Italy: "go die."

9:29- The Lakers pick Javaris Crittenton. I feel like there are extra letters in his name. Unsurprisingly, Jim Gray is sitting on Mitch Kupchak's lap.

9:40- Philly drafts Daequan Cook. Daequan is going to Miami for Jason Smith. I guess Billy Knight and Billy King sold their souls to the devil this week for some common sense, two slurpees, and some free tickets to Live Free or Die Hard.

9:59- Yi doesn't want to go Wisconsin tomorrow. Shocker. US to China: "sup. were sorry about the draft. like rly sorry. wanna see die hard 4 2moro nite?"

10:20- The Pistons draft Aaron Afflalo. ESPN: "Must Improve: Athleticism." That sounds promising.

10:29- China to US: "i hate u all. i hope die hard sux."

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LIVEBLOG: GOP Debate 3

7:02- Tommy Thompson needs to stop with the hair dye. Like, tonight.

7:03- Oh, Mitt Romney. I'm not ashamed to say that I think you're hot. Rudy Giuliani: "I'm Rudy Giuliani and your state's motto 'Live Free or Die' is a good one for our time.'" That's why, slowly but surely, I have become pro-Giuliani.

7:07- Mitt's tie is blue. And dreamy. Rudy Giuliani is wearing the power tie. McCain's got, like, a candy-cane tie on with red and extremely pale blue. Brownback has a pale lime green tie on- take it back to Vineyard Vines, there champ.

7:09- Dinner!

7:20- Okay, back. Jim Gilmore should just go home. He sounds a bit like Foghorn Leghorn, admittedly not as much as ol' Fred Thompson the Looming Spector of the Christian Right.

7:23- It's Immigration Time. Tancredo rightly recognizes that dark phantom of the night, that ghastly terror, that creeping destroyer of everything that we hold dear in this life and in the sweet, sweet hereafter: BILINGUALISM. Calm down there, Kipling.

7:33- Sam clarifies that he's been in Congress for a long time. Thanks, Sam, for correcting the immigration problem. Tommy Thompson's face fascinates me in a way that I cannot fully comprehend. It's a bit like Jack Nicholson's face in the first Tim Burton Batman movie.

7:37- McCain is FRIENDS with that devil BILINGUALISM.

7:38- "We don't know what Fred Thompson is either." Other than the Manhattan DA who sounds a lot like Foghorn Leghorn. "I cut taxes for the people of Virginia"...and increased the spending! And threw the budget out the window! Go home, Jim.

7:44- CNN is having all kinds of problems with the sound here. There's like little buzzers going off and volume changes and snaps and crackles and pops.

7:46- Religious Crusades. Rudy? Still a heathen pluralist. Mitt? Still Mormon. Brownback squints at us about our universe's God.

7:50- Giuliani agrees with scientists on global warming, sees it as it as an issue of national security both with climate change and terrorist funding, and proposes an Apollo-type, bipartisan project for global warming/energy reform solutions. Mitt agrees.

7:53- Take Ron Paul away. The stutter is w-w-way totoo much for m-m-me. In fact, take everybody away except for Mitt, Rudy, McCain, and possibly Huckabee.

7:57- Gays in the military: Ron Paul loves individuals. Huckabee dances around the fact that he totally doesn't like gays. Rudy dances around the fact that he totally likes gays. Mitt dances around the fact that he changes his mind on everything. McCain doesn't dance.

8:00- What would you do with George W. Bush? It would have been ill-advised to ask this question last night. "BURN HIM!" "THE PLAGUE!" "PIT OF LIONS!" "PIT OF GAYS!" and so on. Tommy Thompson wouldn't send him to the UN. Heh. (Okay, Tom-Tom, that was funny, but, still, go home). Tancredo gets pissy about Karl Rove.

8:04- Huckabee is very honest and self-effacing about the loss of credibility of the GOP. Brownback wishes his accent sounded like that.

8:08- It's halftime in New Hampshire. The Skeletor, or "Larry King," suddenly appears on my television screen, I lose my sight for a few moments.

8:15- Damn, the debate cuts right to the freaking chase with an extremely pretty lady in her twenties named Erin Flanagan whose brother died in Iraq eight days before he was supposed to come home. McCain hops up, calls Erin ma'am, and admits that the war was mismanaged.

8:19- Giuliani can hop too, John.

8:23- "Can a conservative platform coexist with a conservationist platform?" Gov. Gilmore: No, let me talk about something else.

8:28- Discussion about health care makes my eyes bleed, thus necessitating health care. It is a vicious cycle.

8:32- "What is the most pressing moral question facing us today?" Huckabee says that pro-lifers haven't extended out their love of life to all people, especially homeless children and old people. Rudy, citing RONALD REAGAN, says that spreading American ideals is the biggest moral obligation we have. Brownback runs out to slap Giuliani around over pro-life. GO HOME, SAM.

8:39- Some lame ass twentysomething asks Mitt about flip-flopping, but he says it like "flipppp-flopppinnngg" with this little smarmy grin. A girl with geeky glasses looks on all "I would totally tap that" as Mitt tries to anounce his love of immigrants. Jesus, Tancredo, ALMOST ALL OF EUROPE IS BILINGUAL. IT HASN'T BURNED DOWN YET. CHINA, RUSSIA, CANADA, THE UNITED STATES! BILINGUAL. McCain: "Muchas gracias, Congressman." Oh, sir, you deserve a hearty handshake and a pat on the back. He gives a stirring testiment to the immigrants of this nation and the Hispanic-Americans who live, work, and fight for the country.

8:45- George W. Bush's They let McCain get on a bit of a roll, there. He promises to veto any pork-barrel spending. Tancredo sounds like he's in the eighth grade giving a presentation off note cards that the girl who sits next to him made last night and practically threw at him with an exasperated sigh and an eyeroll.

8:50- STOP ASKING TANCREDO QUESTIONS ABOUT IMMIGRANTS. Rudy cites Abraham Lincoln, because he is a pimp, basically saying that to be an American is to love and believe in freedom.

8:57- Duncan of the Comb-Over trashes moderates after a woman who's from Hollis (can't think of anyone being from Hollis without thinking of "Christmas in Hollis") asks how the GOP can appeal to moderates. Romney gets very chatty; Giuliani capitalizes on it by saying "Well, ma'am, the answer to your question is to nominate me." Ha! Well, that wraps it up. Time to watch Dirty Dancing.

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LIVEBLOG: Pistons-Cavs Game 6

Okay, first of all, I'm still angry as hell that I didn't watch Game 5. Second, the two lessons I learned in blogging Footloose: that the pause button is not my friend, and that I am somewhat incapable of being funny and not describing every minute detail when watching something I actually like. I may try again soon with this. That should be delicious.

10:44- I heard that LeBron only took two shots in the first half, so I figured I needed to get in on this. Rip Hamilton drains a three, tying the game at 61 with 4-and-a-half to go. When I see the cursive text tattoo on Larry Hughes's neck, I kind of wonder how absolutely ridiculous I would look with a similar tattoo. Nobody would take me seriously. Ever.

10:47- A big flashing light reflects off the court as McDyess is at the line. What does it say "MISS MISS MISS"? Stever discusses the misconception that Drew Gooden and his neck moustache are needed. I disagree, unless they always need him and he's never, ever there. Daniel "Looks What I Imagine Chris Brown Looks Like" Gibson, The Rookie from Texas for three. Cavs 65, Pistons 63 with 2:20 to go in the third.

10:51- Well, Daniel "LWIICBLL" Gibson, TRfT looks somewhat like Chris Brown. Chris Brown is really smiley and happy, though (as one would expect with the shortie like his, and the running it and all) while Daniel...isn't.

11:01- The fourth quarter starts with the Cavs up by one. LeBron is 1-5 from the floor tonight; DG, TRfT hits another three. With all that abbreviation I feel like I should be phrasing that: "DG, TRfT 4 3 lolz...u goin 2 da mall 2nite wit us?" While I'm typing this out- took me an absurdly long time- DG, TRfT hits ANOTHER THREE. Just dirrrty. Cavs 73, Pistons 67 with 10:45 to go.

11:07- I think I just saw Usher. At the game. Not here at my house. Were he at my house, I don't think I'd be preoccupying myself with anything other than undressing. DG, TRfT AGAIN. Jesus. He has 21 one points...and his age ain't gonna stop him now? Sorry. I download "Shortie Like Mine" while we go to commercial with the Cavs up 10 points with 8:11 to go and DG, TRfT at the line.

11:16- Dirty Rasheed gets called for an offensive foul after he charges through Shirley, who have been, like, grinding under the basket like it's 2003 and "Get Busy" is playing. Rasheed gets called for a T, his seventh, which means that should there be a seventh game, he will not play in it. Also, the seventh Harry Potter book will come out. Probably at the same time. Lord knows these playoffs are going to last until about July 21.

11:20- DG, TRfT HITS ANOTHER THREE. Shia LeBeauf turned out, surprisingly, kind of hot; Transformers turned out, unsurprisingly, kind of lame looking. If it were fifty years ago, though, "Shia LeBeauf" would be "Kenneth Scotsdale," "James Weston," or something equally WASPy.

11:27- This game is quickly devolving into a free for all as the Pistons go small and we've got about eight guards on the floor. I mean, people are tripping over each other, passing it to their defenders, tossing at strange points on the floor. DG, TRfT hits a short jumper, giving him 31 for the night. Marv Albert informs us that he was sixth in his class in high school, which has totally made me love DG, TRfT. I like to be informed about these people. For example, ever since Jeff Francoeour shared with us all that he "[hates] books," I have no use for his ability to not take a pitch.

11:31- "At Orkin, knowledge is our best weapon"? Um, isn't it actually pressurized insect poison? I've met Joe, or "the Orkin guy," many times over the past few years and I'd say knowledge is not his best weapon.

11:35- Rip fouls out. Aw, Rip. You deserve better than these old fools and Chauncey Billups. Mike Brown, the man who failed to play DG, TRfT and Pavlovic (whose name I always read as Pavlov) for most of the season, is congratulated and recognized for "his achievement."

11:39- The Cleveland Cavaliers will make it to the NBA Finals for the first time in their history...where the Spurs will shoot lazers out of their eyes and, like, employ Michael Bay's TRANSFORMERS to completely devour the Cavs. Ilgauskas and LeBron hug for an extended period of time. I would not have paired them up.

11:42- Billups has taken his jersey off, and has my permission to do so at any time he pleases. Some used car salesman that TNT employs interviews DG, TRfT who has some really nice teeth.

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LIVEBLOG: Footloose Part II

Let's get straight to it.

0:47:55- BC Ren takes Crazy Ariel, Rusty, and Willard across the state line somewhere to go dance. "Hurts So Good" is blasting, making this place totally worth it. Willard can't dance it turns out, so he just sits there drinking. Ah, 1983 when the drinking age was still 18. "Footloose" starts up again which seems totally out of character for this vaguely western, honky tonk sort of establishment. Rusty "can't help herself" and runs out to dance. A 35 year-old man with a Tom Selleck moustache, cowboy hat, and plaid flannel shirt begins to dance with her. Willard takes offense. After Tom Selleck Jr. tells Willard to "flake off" [for real], and Willard says something dirty, they fight despite Rusty's pleas for no fighting.

0:53:44- They drive over the bridge where the kids drove off years ago. Willard brings this up. Um, Willard, that was awkward, as we find out, because Crazy Ariel's brother was one of the kids.

0:54:52- Whoops. The Reverend called over to Rusty's while they were out dancing. Angry fighting ensues. Crazy Ariel says something that I assume is smart assy- I say assume, because it doesn't actually make sense- and then, THE REVEREND SLAPS HER.

0:53:37- Boring scene where The Creepy Mrs. Moore tells the Reverend to either buck up, or she'll leave him. Or something. I don't know, fast forward through this. It's dumb.

0:58:03- BC Ren is spreading the word about the dance. Emo hair and his goons gang up on him to tell him that Hot Chuck does not approve of this dance concept. Winnie Jo runs inside to get Clark Kent. Edna and Crazy Ariel screech up. Clark pushes three guys up against the wall and is amusing and hot. Clearly Superman. Apparently, to get this dance idea passed, BC Ren will have to go before the town council.

1:00:02- BC Ren teaches Willard how to dance to "Let's Hear It For the Boy" which will be stuck in your head for the rest of your life. The entire scene is pretty gay, culminating in them praticing ballroom dancing in the middle of the school gym and following it up with some wrestling. Then, they wear matching black cowboy boots. No joke.

1:03:35- The Reverend refused to help the Bowtie Jackass fire that English teacher. This means: he is a hypocrite.

1:04:25- Aw, yeah. Get ready for some crazy. Hot Chuck's waiting for Crazy Ariel in his truck under the bleachers. He knows why she doesn't like him anymore; he calls her out for wanting BC Ren, she calls him stupid. Nice comeback, there, Ariel. She slaps him, he hits her to the ground. Then she runs up and grabs a pipe out his truck and SMASHES THE HEADLIGHTS AND A WINDOW. He beats her up some more. As he's driving away, she picks up a handful of gravel and tosses it at the truck. This is probably the best moment in this movie.

1:07:05- Ren comes to help her. He's kind of a condescending ass to a girl who just was swinging a led pipe. She gives him a music box. After a few strains of the music box, the Eighties' Guitar of Romance (also see: Top Gun) kicks in and they kiss. Really, really awkwardly. Definitely not one of those onscreen kisses where you're like "hey, I'd really like to switch places with her."

1:09:53- Speaking of uncomfortable, the Reverend and Creepy Wife discuss the days when she used to get the hots for him. With or without music and dancing.

1:11:28- The town council meeting is tomorrow, and Crazy Black-Eyed Ariel has a gift for BC Ren. A Bible with passages about dancing! Okay, that was a pretty genius move. They KISS. In SCHOOL. Somewhere an angel dies.

1:13:18- Hot Chuck's goons throw a brick in the window of Uncle Bible's house. BC Ren's small cousins scream and cry. Uncle Bible yells at Ren to stop making his point- it's supposed to be threatening, but all you can really take away from the speech is that Ren inexplicably has an Aunt Lulu. Sappy scene with BC Ren and his mom ensues.

1:15:58- Town Council. Crazy Ariel is wearing a shirt that says "Dance Your Ass Off." She's standing in the back of the room, so presumably her father sees this shirt. Heh. The Reverend opposes BC Ren's motion, and the Creepy Wife looks exasperated. Uncle Bible agrees with the Reverend. Ass. Bowtie Jackass's wife gets up all angry until the Creepy Wife tells her to sit her ass down. BC Ren begins his relatively lame speech about dancing. Hot Chuck snickers from the back.

1:19:00- OH, HO HO. Ren starts reading from Psalm 118 about dancing- the camera cut is weird, though, and Ren is suddenly standing very erectly, holding the Bible like he's about to give a Shakespearian solliloquy. He jumps around and slams his fist on the table in front of the Reverend.

1:21:23- Shockingly, the motion failed. Ren's employer informs him that the next county literally starts about ten feet from where Ren works. DANCE: BACK ON.

1:22:21- Crazy Ariel enters the empty church, wearing a velvety black top and black jeans, where her father practices his sermon. She's jaded, etc. They argue about music, culminating in her screaming at him "I'm no saint, you know! I'M NOT EVEN A VIRGIN." Um, yeah. She then starts mocking religious forgiveness and they get into, like, a wrestling match before the church secretary runs in and completely ignores this telling him that the book burners are here.

1:25:30- The Reverend Hypocrite trots out again to tell the Bowtie Jackass and his wife that they shouldn't be burning books and to go home.

1:26:40- BC Ren comes over to talk to the Reverend about dancing, or something. Crazy Ariel lurks in the shadows as one does. The Reverend calls BC Ren, "your friend Ren" which...you know how she said she wasn't a virgin, Reverend? Well, I'd say Big City Ren McCormick's probably going to get a ride on the Crazy Train sometime soon. They make up.

1:28:51- Church. The Reverend is not screaming, so you know he's about to approve the dance. The music kicks up as the Reverend does indeed approve the dance and then Ren and Ariel smile at each other across the aisle in a very "we will hook up later" manner.

1:31:38- Kenny Loggins Song #2: "Heaven Helps the Man." Everyone inexplicably has a motorbike. Then, they go to the barn and get all musical-like cleaning up the place.

1:32:15- DANCE NIGHT. Creepy Wife earns her title by telling her daughter about eight times without blinking that she looks great. Which...she doesn't. She looks better in every other scene in this film, including the one where she's bleeding.

1:33:06- BC Ren pulls up in a red tux, making him look like some kind of waiter, and tells Ariel that she's beautiful. Which, again, wrong. But, I guess he has to say that if he wants to get some tonight.

1:34:25- The dance is predictably middle schoolish, with nobody dancing and everybody separate. There is a TON of food, though. Clearly, all the Christian Coallition Parents needed was the Reverend's hesitant, tacit approval and suddenly the oven's were fired up. An awesomely cheesy song "Almost Paradise" blares. Finally, Ren and Ariel get there and start dancing.

1:36:10- I guess Ariel's parents trailed her there. They hop out of their truck and look on at the lit up barn, while wearing matching sweaters. Old People Romance- fast forward.

1:38:01- Apparently, trailing is the popular thing in Beaumont. Hot Chuck and his goons have followed Willard and Rusty. Willard reiterates his promise to Rusty that he won't fight. Three guys come at him and he hits the ground, while one grabs her. Willard: "What do you want me do, Rusty?" Rusty: "KILL THE SON OF A BITCH." Best line of the movie. Ren runs up and then they both somehow kick the shit out of five guys. Whatever.

1:40:14- Final Dance Sequence. With glitter all about, and just one quick shot of Clark Kent, everyone suddenly is a professional dancer and totally willing to dance. There are literally nine shots of Lori Singer (Crazy Ariel) screaming, smiling, and/or laughing. Once you're looking for that, you will start cracking up by the end of the scene. Well, that's pretty much it. I mean, what else can you ask for.

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LIVEBLOG: Footloose Part I

Because I don't particuarly want to watch the game tonight, I've chosen, instead, to liveblog Footloose, probably my favorite eighties movie. Many have not seen it, which is sad, because seeing this movie will immediately improve the quality of your life. After watching it again for about the tenth time in the past two years, I have tried to do it justice tonight. Really, though, it's better to watch with a group of people, as witnessed a year ago in Myrtle Beach. Cannot be overstated how much this movie combines the two pillars of a great eighties movie: AWESOME and CHEESY. I will say, however, that Step Up has made it into the upper echelon of my favorite dance movies, along with Dirty Dancing (a mainstay) and Footloose (the sleeper), after replacing Save the Last Dance, which has become the poor man's Step Up- nowhere near as fun and way, way too much emotion baggage.

First, some left over thoughts from last night:

I feel like there's a gulag/One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich joke I could make everytime I see Kirilenko on screen. But really, he sort of looks like what happens when you cut the scarecrow down from the post. Like a big stick figure that's come to life or something. A Russian stick figure.

Mehmet Okur, at one point, tapped the ref on the shoulder as he walked off the court for a timeout, like he was going to see if, like, maybe the ref, like, you know, likes anybody? You know, like likes? Because, like, Mehmet was wondering, you know, like if the ref is, like, going to the dance with anybody?

Can we retire the phrase "coming out party"? I don't think any heterosexual man, especially a professional athlete, wants to have their success defined as a "coming out party."

Because I am slowly becoming Vanderbilt in human form, I bought some madras plaid shorts from J. Crew the other day. I realize just how conservative madras really is now. These shorts are comfortable, yes, but more importantly, like the J. Crew Chastity Shorts. There is a zipper, two thick clasps, a button, and a drawstring that must be tied because of its length. Just remember, if you plan on shimmying out of some shorts, don't go with the madras plaid.

Onto the incredibly underrated classic film, Footloose.

0:00:19- The opening credits feature about two dozen sets of feet in various ugly footwear from 1983 dancing about to the musical stylings of Kenny Loggins, who has not one but two songs in this film, one of which (the title song) plays about four times. My favorite shows? The second pair [cowboy boots and torn jeans] which look like they belong to someone attractive.

0:02:47- There's several establishment shots to demonstrate that this film's setting is the middle of nowhere. John Lithgow, who plays Reverend Shaw Moore, screams to his congregation that "GOD IS TESTING US" and how dancing and hot music sucks. Kevin Bacon looks exasperrated, and Sarah Jessica Parker- from across the congregation- is all "look hot boy, everybody, look at the hot new boy." Her friend rolls her eyes, and paints her nails.

0:04:57- Dianne Wiest (the future Manhattan DA of Law & Order fame) plays Mrs. Moore. She is known in this house as "The Creepy Wife in Footloose." Kevin Bacon's name is Ren. No, that's never explained. He's introduced as new from Chicago (He's a big city boy! Bad! Probably likes dancing and sex!) to the John Lithgow's daughter: Crazy Ariel, the girl who was painting her nails red during church. Bitch crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. SJ Parker and her friend giggle hysterically about three feet from Ren as he's introduced.

0:07:25- The girls hop in the blond girl's car and talk about sex in a manner that would never pass in a teen movie today. A truck pulls up behind them with guitar heavy music blaring: it's Chuck, who may be a bastard but sure is hot. Crazy Ariel yells out the window "You feelin' lonely tonight?" with a wink. They start racing, and the CRAZY comes out. Ariel grabs onto the window of his truck and starts climbing out, then stands up in the two windows and dancing around and wooping like a crazy person while an 18-wheeler starts coming the otherway. She makes it through. Shockingly.

0:09:36- Back at Bible Central, some jackass in a bowtie tells the reverend that there's a problem at the school where the English teacher is still planning to teach The Slaughterhouse Five. Big City Ren, of course, has read it and loved it. For those keeping score, Ren is a Vonnegut fan and briefly develops a Southern accent.

0:11:02- It's suddenly night. Hot Chuck and Crazy Ariel pull up at the unidentified local teen hang out. Crazy Ariel's friends run up and scream at her. Their names: Edna, Winnie Jo, and Rusty. Clearly, they are not in a position to be giving anyone a hard time about anything. Crazy Ariel jumps out of the truck with some smuggled tapes and turns The Magically Loud Boombox on. The least offensive song ever plays. The Magically Loud Boombox carries not only through the parking lot, and in the diner, but into the bathrooms, and a nearby phonebooth.

0:12:41- The Reverend shows up and turns off the music. Obviously. People stare vacantly at him, even indoors rooms away from the Magical Boombox. The Reverend walks off into the night.

0:14:12- Speaking of vacant staring, the entire school stares BC Ren down as he pulls into the parking lot. I don't understand why'd they care so much. If anything, they'd be staring at him because he's in a yellow VW bug, which is the most womanly car they could put a sort of elfin looking actor in. He immediately gets pushed around, until he meets Willard (Chris Penn, pre-fat days). Willard's friend, who we like to call Clark Kent, lurks in the background.

0:15:36- Rusty, foreshadowing her days as Carrie Bradshaw, tells BC Ren that his "tie is fabulous." BC Ren correctly remembers Crazy Ariel's name, which she acknowledges by nonchalantly saying "very good" in a mean voice that really means "soon, we will be hooking up."

0:17:38- BC Ren tells Willard a story about some hooker of a girl, named Ginger, that BC Ren danced with in a club, that is actually false but still funny. The point is: BC Ren loves to dance. Rusty, Willard, and Clark Kent match BC Ren's story and raise him the story behind why dancing is outlawed. Some kids were driving drunk, died, and the town blamed music and dancing.

0:21:23- Crazy Ariel apologizes to her father for the other night. This is entirely out of character with the rest of the film. He's kind of an ass about it, though, so maybe that's what shifts her into complete crazy mode.

0:23:23- BC Ren and Hot Chuck square off in the school parking lot after a near fender bender. See, the excitement! The daring! Hot Chuck: "Hey, what happened to your tie? I thought only pansies wore neckties." BC Ren: "And I thought only assholes used the word pansy." Hot Chuck, I'm afraid you're already fighting a losing battle, sir. Willard warns BC Ren about Hot Chuck.

0:24:42- After getting a job at a mill-type place and getting the traditional You're an Outsider, Boy speech, BC Ren looks up to find a leg wearing red boots and jeans. Crazy Ariel, in a hideous fringed leather jacket, tells BC Ren that BC Ren has been challenged by Hot Chuck to some sort of duel in one of the Cranstons' fields.

0:26:06- BC Ren is a gymnast. I don't think they could have picked anything gayer than that. Willard informs Crazy Ariel tries really hard to look tough, and that she's been around the block but is not really all that hardcore. He's wrong there. Really, really wrong.

0:26:47- Immediate cut to Ariel and a shirtless Hot Chuck who have clearly just had sex. "Been kissed a lot," my ass, Willard. They banter about her red boots and then exposits that she is going to college, damn it. She may not be Big City Ariel, but, as God is her witness, she will not be Small Town Ariel.

0:28:33- Hot Chuck and BC Ren PLAY TRACTOR CHICKEN! This scene also features: implied marijuana use by Hot Chuck, a shot of Crazy Ariel that makes her look horribly anorexic, amusing banter from Clark Kent, a really gay salmon sweatshirt that BC Ren wears, and the Magical Boombox playing Bonnie Taylor's "I Need a Hero." BC Ren drives horribly, tries to stop, gets his shoes caught, but wins out in the end, leaving Hot Chuck to bail out and swim.

0:32:02- Rusty gives Crazy Ariel the low down about BC Ren, managing to use the phrases "get your dogs barking" and "curl your toes" which were never again used in actual conversation.

0:33:23- Some kid with emo hair offers BC Ren a joint, which he refuses infront of a teacher with a porn 'stache, who then runs in and chases Emo Hair and Ren to the bathroom where BC Ren flushes the joint. Pornstache then, like, jumps on top of BC Ren and tells him that he's going to get him- extremely appropriate behavior from an educator. BC Ren then gets bitched out by his uncle, who's heard that there have been drugs at the school, and TRACTOR RACING. Ren leaves in fit of awesome.

0:35:54- Okay, everybody, get ready. First, BC Ren hops out of the car in a warehouse and is revealed to be both smoking and drinking a beer while driving. Excellent. He pops in a tape and jumps out the car to dance about the warehouse in skin-tight jeans and a wife beater. My favorite part, personally, is when he flips around on this wall with a heaving chest like a woman. Other part that's fun: when he swings on a large cable that may or may not be secure. Naturally, just as he's jumping on his car to dance some more, Crazy Ariel pops out from the shadows cheering.

0:38:50- Creepiest exchange ever recorded on film: Ren gets into his car and Crazy Ariel runs around to the other side and puts her head in the open window, asking with wide, wide eyes: "Do you want to kiss me?" His reply: "Someday." It's very uncomfortable. She wants to dwell on the awkwardness and gets in the car. He basically calls her a slut.

0:40:09- "Wanna see something?" You know, Crazy Ariel, that sounded like it was dirty, not some hollowed out railcar with poems and lyrics and junk written on the walls. Of course, the first thing she shows him is a dirty poem she wrote. Okay, Ariel, you get some points back. She gets a glint in her eye, as some would call it "insanity," as the train approaches. She jumps out on the tracks and stands and screams like a movie. BC Ren dives to push her out of the way. They lay around but do not kiss.

0:43:10- The Reverend catches his crazy daughter sneaking in. She wasn't drinking, having sex, or dancing. Tonight, anyway. But she was out with Ol' Big City Ren.

0:45:00- BC Ren's been kicked off the gymnastics team for keeping Crazy Ariel out too late. Some fools drive by and laugh at Ren for getting kicked off. This seems dumb to me; they'd totally be calling him a fag for being on the gymnastics team to begin with. Willard unknowingly gives Ren an idea. To get back at the Reverend, they're going to have a dance! Way to stick it to the man, Ren. The man, however, is lame, as he proves over and over again in some practiced I'm Too Good For You People...I Mean, God Loves Us speech to various church groups.

Tomorrow: the second half.

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LIVEBLOG: Pistons-Cavs Game 4

8:50- Alright, we're at the beginning of the second quarter, it's Cavs 26, Pistons 24. Pavlovic decides to dive, like, horizontally and attempt a shot. Billups responds with a three and Cleveland turns it over two times with consecutive walks. Chauncey's all over the place tonight- fifteen points already.

8:54- Daniel Gibson, the rookie from Texas if you will, looks like Chris Brown. Well, I'm not really sure that's true, but he certainly looks like what I imagine Chris Brown looks like. On a note from the other night: I can't believe they call this stadium "The Q." That's the lamest thing I've ever heard.

8:58- Daniel Gibson, the rookie from Texas, feeds LeBron James with a huge dunk on a fast break. Cavs 32, Pistons 29 with to 8:45 go. Daniel mistakingly believes that everyone "loves" LeBron James. False, sir. This game is sort of painful to watch; perhaps, my ability to tolerate atrocious eastern conference games has finally been saturated.

9:05- Okay, I've switched to the last two innings of the Giants-Mets game. It's tied at three in the top of the eighth.

9:13- I can finally type again. Other people were in the room and, because I'm twelve, I didn't want anyone getting suspiscious about what...

9:30- ...I'm doing. Clearly, I have issues. Well, we're in the bottom of the ninth at Shea with one out and David Wright up to bat. In other news, the Cavs are up 50-43 at the half. Oh, wow. The Giants' reliever, Coretta has a mullet with his fine, straight, blonde little girl hair. Wright hits the ball just off the top of the fence and grins after Fred Lewis nearly catches it but fails. A weird shot immediately follows in which Beltran and someone else stared silently at Fred Lewis.

9:36- The Giants walk Lo Duca, the crying wonder, and get Damon Easley to pop up, bringing JULIO FRANCO with two outs in the bottom of the ninth with runners on first and second. What do Julio Franco, Michael Jackson, Madonna, and my mother have in common? They were all born in 1958. He hits a hard grounder up the middle, Omar Vizquel dives behind the bag and tosses it over his shoulder to get the out at second, ending the inning and sending it into extra innings. Omar and Julio's combined age: 88.

9:41- "You can tell by the crowd who's coming out to hit: Barry Bonds." Many people boo. Were I there, I would join in. But first, Fred Lewis is up. He hit for the cycle a few weeks ago in only his 16th big league game and strongly resembles Kenny Lofton.

9:43- The boos are extremely loud. Best crowd shot is definitely a boy holding up a poster that reads: "B*NDS" while holding a camera to take pictures of Bonds. Barry walks; people boo.

9:48- Bonds must be telling Carlos Delgado one hell of a story. He's, like, rambling to Carlos over there at first. Frandsen drives the ball to right where it tags the chalk, barely, and hops out for a standup double that sends Barry to third. Guess Barry didn't get to finish the story, which I'm sure was more like "Howareyouthatsgood. I'M GOOD. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME" than an actual story with a beginning and end.

9:53- Pitching change: Heilman for the Mets comes in with two outs and runners on second and third. Aurelia lines out to second.

9:57- Russ Ortiz comes out the bullpen in the bottom of the tenth. Old Russ just loves to walk people and has a 5.38 ERA. This should go well for the Giants. Jose Reyes walks. Um, wow. The Sportscenter minute brings us Shawn Hill stealing home for the go ahead run off Andy Pettite in the Yankees-Jays game. I would enjoy seeing Jose do something similar. My fantasy team would also enjoy seeing Jose do something similar. His 28 stolen bases are more than 16 teams.

10:01- I like Bengie Molina's helmet with GIANTS up both ways along the mask. Apparently Russ Ortiz is going to keep trying to pick Jose off. 'Tis a foolish enterprise. Fool. Reyes takes off but Chavez fouls it off. Chavez grounds into a fielder's choice. EXCELLENT, CHAVEZ.

10:04- Beltran's now up with Chavez on first and two outs. 3-0 to Beltran. There is a small debate about giving Beltran the green light on 3-0; personally, after watching him choke last year against St. Louis in the NLCS, I'm giving him the take sign and moving a runner into scoring position with Carlos Number 2 up to bat. Count goes full to Beltran (shocker), but walks him with a pitch in the dirt (again, shocker). Delgado comes up with runnners on first and second, two outs, and the outfield playing shallow and a shift on with second base playing shallow right.

10:09- I switch over to Step Up briefly to watch Channing Tatum kiss the girl in that movie and then be awkward. Heeee.Carlos Delgado is now on first. Whoops. So, bases loaded with David Wright up to bat with two outs in the bottom of the tenth and the ability to win the game. Although he's very good looking he has some Sesame Street Bert eyebrows going on. He lines the ball to center- I mean, crushes it- but the centerfielder makes a great play to end the inning.

10:14- It's unclear why I have such a strong devotion to Step Up. I mean, Channing Tatum, yes. Obviously. But other than that, I can't quite figure out why I enjoy it so much. I don't watch it to mock it or marvel at its magnificence, both of which I do when I watch Footloose. Well, the one big exception is when Tyler's friend inspires him after Skinny's death to do better with their lives for their mothers, themselves, and for poor dead Skinny, and it is at that point that I yelll to my brother (who loves this movie as well) "Do you know how Tyler's going to do better? BY DANCING!" Oh, and Gay Daniel, the dancer with the sprained ankle- he's fun to laugh at too. The makeup that Nora, who is Channing Tatum's actual girlfriend in real life, is heinously eighties. She looks much, much better without it. I don't particularly care when Skinny dies, I giggle endlessly when Nora's mother tearfully shouts "BRAVO! BRAVO!" and I totally feel like Tyler's friend is the least street actor to ever play a supposedly street character. And yet, I love it. The dancing and the music (especially the editing on "I'mma Shine" in the movie with Nora's badass dancing and Tyler hanging out before Skinnny's intimely death) are fantastic, I know that. And, most importantly, Channing Tatum is in it and has that "Now, THERE is a MAN" quality that I like so much.

10:20- Anyway 3 up, 3 down in the top of the eleventh.

10:26- Lo Duca, he of the trade deadline crying, gets all huffy after a bad call and strikes out swinging. We get the slo-mo shot of him screaming "FUCK." Very classy, ESPN. He balls up in the corner of the dugout with his shinguard cover legs pulled up to his chest. Why don't you cry, Paul? Andy Roddick lost to somebody named Igor today at the French Open.

10:29- Two outs and a full count with Jose Reyes up. Anything can happen when the most explosive player in the game is up. Tim Lincecum, who I actually look older than, is still in the Giants dugout, which is cute. Reyes singles through the 5-6 hole. Ben Johnson is up. My brother plays baseball with a kid named Ben Johnson who is one half of the Langley High School Class of 2010 Annual Notoriously Gross PDA Couple. Old B-Money. While this is exciting, I have to switch over to watch the final scene of Step Up.

10:34- Unrealistic Moment of this Film #872- When Nora announces to her backup dancers that they are returning to the old dance and they cheer loudly. Though, it certainly is better, you know they'd be like "Goddamnit, Nora, we just spent a week learning a whole new freaking dance." And here it comes, "BRAVOOOOO!" Ha! That woman looks nothing like her supposed daughter.

10:39- Well, now that Tyler and Nora have made up, we're back with the Giants and the Mets where we've got Vizquel on first (who was walked apparently), no outs, and Fred Lewis bunting. He puts the bunt down and Vizquel moves to third. Dusty Baker appropriately recognizes that it is not Brian Cashman's fault, but the atrocious underachieving Yankee players like: Abreu (horrible), Giambi (injured and bad), Mussina (injured and bad), Matsui (old and bad), Damon (injured and horrible), Cano (bad).

10:44- Because the Mets-Giants game may never end, I've switched back over to the Pistons-Cavs game where Cleveland is up 85-79 with 3:38 to go. LeBron James hits a fadeaway jumper for three and confetti shoots up in front of the camera. Well, in my absence, the Giants scored after Delgado got the out at first and then threw home where Lo Duca made a marginal effort at tagging a forty year-old man.

10:49- Reyes is up again, against Armando Benitez the former Mets closer, who has gone full to Reyes and is not the old flamethrower he used to be.

10:52- Reyes walks. Endy Chavez, who's 0-5 tonight, is showing bunt. Benitez BALKS; Mets fans go CRAZY. Reyes is now on second with no outs.

10:55- Back in Cleveland, the Pistons have pulled within four with a minute-thirty to go and posession after Daniel Gibson, TRfT, is stripped of the ball. In New York, Chavez apparently bunted Reyes over to third; Carlos Beltran grounds out to second because he's a choker. Carlos 2 is up with two down in the 12th and Reyes on third.

10:57- BENITEZ BALKS AGAIN. Reyes comes in to tie the game, after he jumps around and distracts ol' Armando. Two balks in one inning! Ridiculous. Well. Tie game, in the bottom of the twelfth, with Carlos Delgado up. Score check: Cavs 88, Pistons 85 with 1:02 to go.

10:59- CARLOS DELGADO WALK OFF HOME RUN TO STRAIGHT CENTER. Mets 5, Giants 4 in 12.

11:00- Cleveland ball; Daniel Gibson TRfT inbounds to LeBron who passes into Gooden whose shot is blocked by Tayshaun Prince. Billups pulls up off balance for the three under coverage, Cavs get the rebound and the foul. LeBron misses for three, there is scrambling for the rebound and Eric Snow goes to the line after Rip is called for a push foul. Cleveland 89, Pistons 85 with 18 seconds to go.

11:05- Chauncey dribbles around for a long time, misses, McDyess taps it in with 5 seconds left. On the inbound, they foul LeBron James. He sinks the first one to give the Cavs a three point lead with 4 seconds to go. He nails the second. I get a little upset, because this gives a four point lead. The Pistons call a time out and I believe I see LeBron tell Drew Gooden "don't fuck this up." Dirrrty Rasheed misses. Cavs win. Damn.

Final Score: Cavs 91, Pistons
Series: Even.

Final Score: Mets 5, Giants 4.

Final Score: Channing Tatum Infinity, Everyone Else 0.

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LIVEBLOG: Spurs-Jazz Game 4

10:00- Well, Friends beckoned and I missed almost the entire first half of the Jazz-Spurs game. The first thing I hear? Europe has apparently adopted Argentina and brought it across the Atlantic for a little Daisy Miller sort of adventure. You see, Oberto played 12 years in Europe, 5 of them in Argentina.

10:03- The excellence of commentary carries on: "The Spurs just executing the Jazz to death right now." The pun seems unintentional. Spurs 46, Jazz 37 with 2:53 to go in the first half.

10:07- The excellence has been explained: we're with Mike Breen, Mark Jackson, and Jeff Van Gundy. NBA commentary is nothing without Marv Albert, obviously, but Jesus, Mark, Tony Parker and Chauncey Billups are not better point guards than Chris Paul. Tony Parker is French- or as we sometimes say, of the country adjacent to Argentina- and Chauncey is a shoot first guard. Steve Finley hits a three.

10:11- Oberto's hair situation is really a mystery to me. It appears that instead of, say, pre-wrap or a sweatband, he has pushed his long greasy hair back with a string/band of hair. A charge is called on Milsap mostly because Ginobli flies across the floor like he was shot. Well, it's half time and that's always painful for me so I'm switching to some Tivo'd Law & Order.

10:15- Ah, pregnant couple bickering and gun shots. Not related. Nevermind, I've seen this one, so on to the next one. Oh man, blood trail to a crib. I think Law & Order is insinuating that now is not the ideal time for me to have a child. I do the Law & Order theme song dance about the room, and celebrate the fact that this is a Abbie "Texas Justice" Carmichael episode, but sadly is not a Benjamin "So, So, So Hot" Bratt episode. I personally think they employed Angie Harmon and Benjamin Bratt just in an attempt to hire the most attractive people possible.

10:20- Well, they've now taken the father of the baby into the interrogation room, but clearly he didn't do it. The first person they question never, ever did it. Jimmy, the baby's father, is a God-fearing man evidently with the lighting of the candles and praying and gentle words of the Catholic elderly woman.

10:25- We meet Mitch who has approximately 856,942 earrings. Aw, Amy thinks Jimmy has the baby and sounds like she's twelve. AHHH, WAY TOO CLOSE CLOSE-UP ON MITCH. TOO MANY EARRINGS. Amy was an irresponsible parent- leaving the baby while she went to get a cigarrette, but they'll always have Paris.

10:29- The baby, Kyle, will be found soon. The music is a-flaring and search warrants are a-issued. Oh, man. The little baby bones are on the autopsy table and Abbie nearly cries. Dude, this episode is going to kick ass.

10:32- The baby starved to death over...seven weeks? Amy apparently bled on the baby...after it was dead? ...On his forehead and hands? What the hell is going on? Somebody better get the goddamn death penalty here, I mean, you know Jack and Abbie will push for Murder I. Apparently, Amy resented breast feeding her child.

10:36- Here's why I love Abbie Carmichael: She wants to kick Amy's ass and cites how women have made reproductive rights their own responsibility and should have to back that up. And Jack is making Abbie argue the case. The judge decides that no jury is going be able to get over how horrifying the pictures of the dead baby are, so we've got a bench trial.

10:44- The defense makes a decent point with the coroner and Abbie slams the door on the redirect. Oh, no. The music flares up when the defense starts questioning the husband and he starts crying about how he didn't do anything. Now we're off on the Crusade of Breast Feeding.

10:51- Aw, Jack and Abbie are having a heart to heart about her nervousness. Jack elects to be good cop for once. Amy's on the stand; that seems ill-advised. "She made me feel like I was a bad mother"? You are a bad mother, Amy. Oh, I'm sorry, I mispoke: were. The baby's dead.

10:56- Abbie has totally driven the point about Amy sucking as a mother home. She went bad cop on Amy's ass. My girl crush on Abbie Carmichael has only increased. The defense presents her closing argument and the judge looks on sort of perturbed. Abbie jumps up on the awesome train and says: "It is irrelevant whether she is too young to be a mother, because the same law that allowed the defendant to choose whether or not to have a child, holds her to take care of and protect that child." No. Amy gets Man 2 and 1 and half to 4 years in prison. Boo. Time to go back to the game.

11:01- The trailer for Transformers has been spliced into clips from the Spurs-Jazz series. Tim Duncan may seem like a mild-mannered geek but in actuality he is a car that turns into a ROBOT. Jerry Sloan flaps his arms around after Milsap gets called for a blocking foul and gets a T, which sends Ginobli to the line. Spurs 65, Jazz 62 with 10:56 to go.

11:07- Big Shot Rob gets called for a charge after his elbow lightly grazes Milsap. This is immediately followed with an illegal pick. Seriously, this is worse than girls lacrosse. It's like they're playing freeze tag. We get some side by side shots of Mehmet Okur and Tim Duncan like they're going to debate gay marriage or, okay, network television's never that serious. Like they're getting ready to debate Mary Cheney's baby's paternity and its relationship to Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

11:10- Jacque Vaughn steals the ball from The Wonderful, Amazing, Fantastic, Beautiful Deron Williams. The announcers just love some of these guys to death. Okay, this Wendy's commercial where everyone's kicking the trees seems to imply that Wendy's burgers are not frozen. How do they get those burgers there on a daily basis? Go to the grocery store? Keep a herd of cattle in the drive-thru at night? Does Dave Thomas use heavenly powers to transport fresh ground beef? I'm just curious.

11:15- Mehmet really needs to trim the hair up in the back. And grow a chin. Duncan hits both of his free throws to make it Spurs 74, Jazz 68 with 6:38 to go.

11:17- "Oh, WHAT A FEED. WE ARE WITNESSING THE EMERGENCE OF A SUPERSTAR": Deron Williams makes a routine bounce pass to an extremely open Kirilenko. Mike needs to chill a bit. NASCAR commercial, which reminds me: I did not enjoy the Washington Post's puff piece on Dale Earnhardt Jr. this weekend. Liz Clarke began the article detailing the loving relationship that he and his sister have and told us how they have been pitted against their "domineering stepmother." The fact that Dale's sister is "looking after him still" because Dale Sr. left basically every asset he had- including the rights to his name, complete ownership of his company, all his real estate, and his seats on the NYSE and the Amex- to his wife, seems to negate that "Dale Jr. just wants to be loved" story. He just wants MONEY. The birds are not outside their windows madly making dresses and helping sweep the floors until the glass slipper arives. Why would Teresa give a controlling interest (which is what he was demanding) in the company she already owns to a high school drop out whose business manager is his sister? ARGH. I don't even care if Teresa's an ice cold bitch (actually, I do. As a frosty bitch, I think we all need to stick together), I'm on her side.

11:25- Derek Fisher fouls Ginobli outside the arc like an idiot snapping me out of my rant against Dale Earnhardt Jr. Spurs 82, Jazz 72 with 3:22 to go. The Spurs are dominating to a incredible degree when in the lead in the fourth quarter. They do not choke.

11:28- Ginobli falls to the floor, goes to the line. Carlos Boozer of the Hotttness gets the foul. Derek Fisher gets a T after Ginobli flops after he elbows Fisher.

11:32- Linda Cohn pops up to give us the Sportscenter minute in an outfit that defies ugliness. She's got an poorly tailored green blazer that has two peculiarly placed pockets- like, collarbone pockets- with a really horrifying black and gray floral print skirt, and fried blond hair. Jerry Sloan has been ejected during the commercial break. Mehmet Okur soon fouls out.

11:37- Derek Fisher gets thrown out of the game after a hard foul on Ginobli. But, hell, a kitten could put a hard foul on Manu Ginobli. The fans are either chanting "Refs, you suck" or "Tim, you suck." The Jazz are blessedly not fouling, and let the game end quickly. No post-game interviews from a sharply dressed Michelle Tafoya as the White People throw stuff on the floor. Time for more Law & Order.

Final Score: Spurs 91, Jazz 79.
Series: Spurs 3, Jazz 1.

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LIVEBLOG: Pistons-Cavs Game 3

8:42- Cleveland is up 7-0 with 8:48 to go in the first. Apparently, LeBron James worked out hard for hours against the advice of everyone in a ten mile radius with a brain. To demonstrate further his incompetency, he wore some sweatpant gouchos. He's scored 5 points, but...it's not as though he's been known for his fourth quarters as of late.

8:45- Illgauskus, excepting the fact that he's 7 feet tall, looks like some sort of an 37 year-old, balding accountant. Has Chris Webber always played with the number 84? That's extremely high- a "fitting" jersey, if you will. Sorry. Rasheed plays with his back to the basket, makes the shot and one, to a chorus of boos. Dear Cleveland, booing Rasheed is ill-advised. First of all, he's nasty and will destroy this game if you aren't careful. Second, he knows people who can "take care" of things, if you will. Hell, he is one of those people.

8:49- More debris falls from the ceilling, somebody Swiffers it away, bringing my attention to the peculiar wood situation on the Cavs' court. The lane is the smae ugly light wood color that the center of the court- outside of the lane- but inside the arc, it's darker and pretty. Rasheed over Shirley Temple Varejao. The Accountant responds.

8:55- Holly Hunter's TNT series about God implies, with the use of Leann Rimes singing Amazing Grace, that she once was lost but now is found, was blind but now can see. The biggest sign that she once was, and possibly still is, lost and blind? The tiny, ill-advised braids in her hair; that's more than the Jack Daniels talking there. Webber knocks in a few off some offensive rebounds, either Steve Kerr (whose name I keep typing "Stever") or Doug Collins starts lamenting that Tayshaun Prince has been unable to score because he has to contend with Webber for points. Um, Stever and/or Doug? The important thing is that they're scoring. Cleveland 18, Detroit 15 with 1:27 to go.

9:00- Larry Hughes is limping in that ugly Skip-to-my-Lou sort of way. Shirley egregiously misses a very simple putback and then fouls Rasheed who nails his free throws. Shirley slaps around Chris Webber after Chris picks up the offensive board on a LeBron drive into double coverage. Chris ties up the game, but not before looking like he's going to cry at the line. Tied at 22 at the end of the first quarter.

9:08- HAHAHA. Let's show clips of CHRIS WEBBER and RASHEED WALLACE when they were on the WIZARDS TOGETHER. HAHAHA. HOW ABOUT RIP HAMILTON GIVING A CAPITOL DOME TOUR OR SOMETHING? LARRY HUGHES AT A NATS GAME? STOP MOCKING US, TNT.

9:12- Daniel Gibson drains a three on an assist from a double teamed LeBron. I feel really bad for all those kids in the McDonald's ad who are running around, yelling in different languages in rabid excitement that Dad is bringing McDonald's. You really have to wonder what sort of Oliver Twist situation they've got going on most of the time. Tayshaun Prince ties the game at 29 with a three, which he follows up with denying LeBron a shot. Mike Murray, who's at the line, has a really charming tattoo where there is an F in the Superman logo which seems vaguely dirty.

9:18- Drew Gooden's neck's moustache makes a few field goals. Not only is he weird looking- the guy always looks like he hasn't slept in days- he has the weirdest, most frightening hair situation I have ever seen. Detroit 37, Cleveland 35 with 5:38 to go.

9:25- Flip Saunders has way, way too much going on with his pinstipe suit, striped shirt, and striped tie. He looks like he walked through some kind of Alice in Wonderland mirror or something. Delfino, he of the sketchy hot, goes super cas and hits a jumper.

9:29- Things you don't often hear about NBA players: "McDyess, one of those guys who thinks to much..." LeBron hits a turnaround, fadeaway jumper at the shot clock buzzer and then stares at the ceiling. This means one of three things: a. he's watching the replay (likely), b. he's thanking God (unlikely), c. he fears the falling debris.

9:32- Delfino inbounds the ball, but decides to do a little shimmy before doing so. Having recently watched Step Up (okay, like three times in the past week), I can only wish that he were Channing Tatum. LeBron drives into the lane and gets body checked in the air by Murray. He makes both free throws; Cleveland 44, Detroit 43 with 1:45 to go.

9:36- LeBron makes a nice move inside and finishes with a little reverse layup on the baseline when he's double teamed. Cleveland finishes with a 9-2 run. Cleveland 46, Detroit 43 at the half. Notably LeBron has score 19 points, which is precisely the amount of Game 2 at the half. I must now change to Sunday Night Baseball because the TNT Halftime show makes me search desperately for sharp objects to kill myself with. Excellent. I forgot that Joe Morgan is involved with Sunday Night Baseball. Where are those sharp objects?

9:44- Granderson nails a perfect sinker on the low outside corner for a double. Craig Monroe, the streakiest hitter alive currently wrecking my fantasy team's average, grounds out to short. Joe gets super excited about watching Gary Sheffield hit. I've never actually seen Sheffield get a hit in a live game, despite endless Braves games that I watched; I am not as excited. My streak continues as Sheffield grounds out.

9:49- It just now occurs to me that this too is a Cleveland-Detroit game. I mean, I realized that the Tigers and Indians were playing, but the connection wasn't quite there. Arguably, this is actually a game between two relatively better teams- the Indians and Tigers are, with the Mets and Red Sox, two of the best teams in the league, while the Pistons and particularly the Cavs are not on the same level as the Spurs, Suns, and Mavs. Ryan Garko walks, is hot. Of course, Trot Nixon is there to ground into another double play and end the inning.

9:55- Hot Ryan makes a fantastic grab at first but then tries to throw at Carmona, rather than the bag, and throws it away. Pudge hits a slow roller to third and gets on with an infield hit- runners on first and second. 3-6-1 double play. Nice job, boys. Indians 5, Tigers 3 in the bottom of the sixth. Time to return to the playoffs, however. I wish you luck Hot Ryan.

9:59- LeBron makes a filthy drive inside and tries to finish with a reverse and misses, but still picks up the foul off of Chris Webber- his fourth, McDyess enters the game for him. The PA announces the jump ball very quickly and very loudly "JUMPBALL" and then goes quiet.

10:04- The Accountant has scored six unanswered points (as well as your social security number and Swiss bank account information). He apparently has been shooting 91% from the line since some point, which is absurd, because he's a giant and should have the coordination of a six year-old.

10:05- Rasheed has answered with back-to-back three pointers. Dirrrty, as usual. I keep waiting for Marv Albert to say "FROM DOWNTOWN" as he was so fond of saying on NBA Live '94 on the Sega platform. The Neck Mustache, which is horrifying in High Definition, gets called for a T. Cavs 55, Pistons 52 with 5:50 to go in the third.

10:08- Dirrrty Rasheed misses a three, McDyess grabs the offensive board, sends it to Billups who nails it from where, Marv? "FROM DOWNTOWN." I'm so glad he said it. Cleveland turns the ball over again, McDyess puts it in and we have now seen a 12-2 run from the Pistons. Okay, I do not understand these Jeep Patriot commercials where the girl plucks the wolf from the cliff as though she is really, really large person or as if it is a tiny toy wolf and puts it in the boat.

10:11- Stop pushing the WNBA upon us, NBA. Especially with the "Have you seen her?" ad campaign. No, I haven't seen her because the WNBA is atrociously boring and I don't want to see her. Pavlovic nails a three.

10:14- LeBron attempts to shoot while diving out of bounds and The Accountant nearly goaltends. Rasheed hits a turnaround fadeaway that is so smooth and dry, it's almost champagne. LeBron has only taken one shot in the third quarter, and it was nearly out of bounds. I bet he's glad he worked out so long before the game. TNT: "40 GAMES. 40 NIGHTS." Translation: Much like the flood Noah suffered through, the NBA playoffs has been long and painful and will continue to be so. We apologize for the ensuing Pistons-Spurs Series.

10:21- LeBron. If there are four defenders before you, someone is open. Tayshaun Prince gives the Pistons a 63-62 lead with a minute to go in the third. Shirley dribbles around casually with two seconds, unaware that time has not stopped and two seconds is a short amount of time.

10:38- I return from picking up my brother and getting a piece of freshly baked, completely from scratch cherry pie. Naturally, TNT has informed us that Larry Hughes is one of only two players to play with both LeBron James and Michael Jordan. WE'VE GOT IT, TNT. THE WIZARDS SUCK, OKAY. Hamilton makes a nice move inside and ties the game at 68 with 7:40 to go.

10:41- LeBron takes three beautiful steps to make a "beautiful move" and get the beautiful foul. He misses at the beautiful line. The Cavs are now up by two, but their fans? Flipping out.

10:46- LeBron may actually get to a triple-double tonight which would be actually tapping his potential for once. Hee. Tapping. Chris "Needs Some Paxil" Webber draws foul off of The Accountant and hits both the free throws; Cavs 74, Pistons 70 with 5:oo to go. Because there just isn't enough sketch in this game, we shoot over to Kid Rock who is wearing a horrifying white fedora.

10:50- Gibson, whose full name is apparently "Daniel Gibson, the rookie from Texas," drains a three pointer to give the Cavs a five point lead with 4:12 to go. Billups and The Accountant begin trading three pointers, with LeBron jumping in to contribute. Apparently doing absolutely nothing in the third has left him with a ton of energy for the fourth.

10:55- Tiny, ugly braids aside, "Saving Grace" looks a lot more promising than "Heartland." The PA announcer in the "Quicken Loans Arena" is actually the Kool-Aid pitcher. "OH YEAH. OH YEAH. THE CAVS. OH YEAH." Cavs 84, Pistons 80 with 1:26 to go. Come on, Pistons, I don't even like you, but seriously let's go.

11:01- Weird close up on LeBron's face where he has some shifty eyes going like we're in the moment of realization in a soap opera. Chauncey hits a HUGE shot to make it 84-82 with half a minute to go. EW. TAKE DAVID BLAINE AWAY.

11:04- LeBron shockingly drains a huge shot to make it 86-82 with 16.3 seconds to go. The lights in "The Q" go all disco on us. Tayshaun Prince misses for three and The Neck Moustache is fouled with 6.3 seconds to go. Having actually gotten the score up in the high eighties, the Cavs have actually played this game to their advantage. "Look at [LeBron] in the huddle. Look at the leadership" cut to a shot of LeBron literally screaming at his teammates. Yes, look at the leadership.

Final Score: Cavs 88, Pistons 82.
Series: Pistons 2, Cavs 1.

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LIVEBLOG: Cavs-Pistons

9:56- Okay, we've got six to go in the third; Cavs 54, Pistons 49. Varejao and his bouncing ringlets of hair enter the game. This feels like more of the international-may-as-well-be-soccer influence waving around in the Motor City air like the Brazilian flag. It's all very reminiscent of Shirley Temple.

10:00- Shirley gets stuffed twice by the Pistons.

10:03- LeBron decides to pass through three defenders on the baseline to Shirley. This is ill-advised. The Pistons respond with their own tomfoolery by letting Chris "The Healing Powers of Playing with a Good Team" Webber touch the ball. Shirley rolls around on the ground and picks it up.

10:07- Well, the Pistons are only trailing by one and LeBron has only taken one shot in the third. It seems like the magical word "correlation" may apply here.

10:11- Daniel Gibson sinks a three- he's a rookie, apparently, and looks like it. Richard Hamilton makes me cry a bit on the inside. He was a great player the Wizards decided wasn't good enough, who then joined the Pistons and led them to an NBA championship. Also used to play for the Wizards: Larry Hughes, Chris Webber, and Rasheed Wallace. ARGH. Rip makes his two free throws to tie it up and the TNT scoreboard makes its weird chime noise...where are we? In a pinball machine?

10:16- What I Really, REALLY Want to See: Knocked Up. What I REALLY, REALLY Never Want to See Again: Another ad for Tyler Perry's "House of Pain." The playoffs have been a HOUSE OF PAIN having to watch those ads. Gary Sheffield is at the game wearing a black fisherman's hat.

10:19- Delfino nails a three. His hair constantly perplexes me. It somehow stays so flippy and good. Billups fouls Shirley. Oh, Chaunce. He goes to the line, hits both. Chauncey makes up for it by going down the floor and banking a three. Cavs 67, Pistons 65 with 9:20 to go in the fourth. This series has the distinction of my not really caring one way or the other. I wanted Chicago to pull a Red Sox on Detroit, and I was ambivalent about the Nets-Cavs series.

10:23- Donyell Marshall misses a three. That seems familiar, I wonder why? I also wonder why Donyell continues to fight a losing battle against his hairline with cornrows. And why there isn't an apostrophe in Donyell. It seems like it should have one. Don'Yell. Nevermind, just kidding.

10:26- Each time I see the promotion for The Closer, I want to watch that show less and less. "THEY MURDERED MY SON." This does not pique my interest after the 8,000,000th time. Nor does the phrase "The drama of solving a crime comes from finding justice for someone's who's seeking it." What about those who aren't seeking it? What then? While I always have an interest in watching Kevin Bacon in Footloose, I don't feel the same way towards his wife.

10:28- Rasheed nails a filthy shot and then gets to bop Shirley on the head after Shirley's called, correctly, for a travel. Rasheed! DRAINS a three. Just filthy. Kasey Kahne, who always looks like he's just come in from making toys on the North Pole, is appropriately in a Vitamin Water commercial on some snowy mountain. Nowhere near as good as the ad with David Ortiz and

10:34- LeBron passes to the Pistons' bench. "The Pistons just have so many options to go to"...EVEN THEIR BENCH IS OPEN! Oh wait. Rip Hamilton hits a nice shot; Pistons 74, Cavs 69 with 4:57 to go.

10:38- Well, ask and ye shall receive. New and different commercial for The Closer. Still looks dumb, though. Tayshaun "Go-Go Gadget Arms!" Prince jumps up, misses, loses the ball, and almost wastes a great block by Antonio McDyess by trying to lose it again. Rasheed gets called for his third after LeBron pushes him. The quality of officiating maintains its remarkable clarity, consistency, and sharpness.

10:43- Shot to the Pistons bench where Delfino is giving a very sketchy, very Edgerrin James "Sup, baaaaabbbyyy, you know, sup, sup, you know" undress-you-with-his-eyes look. Clearly I was just blinded by the hair. Okay. I don't understand the

10:51- INTERNET FRUSTRATION left me unable to comment there for several minutes. So, suddenly, there are 32 seconds left and the Cavs are up 76-75, Detroit ball.

10:54- Delfino and the Sketch comes in for McDyess. Rasheed, nasty as always, hits a fall away over LeBron, giving the Pistons a one point lead with 24 seconds to go.

10:56- Doug Collins appears to be growing straw out of his head- Marv Albert and Steve Kerr, however, have looked the exact same way for the past decade. LeBron gets the ball and holds the ball at the top of the key with Rip guarding him. He drives looking for the foul, doesn't get it because Rip is no fool, and misses the shot. Larry Hughes, another fine Wizard, gets the rebound and misses the follow up, as would any good Washington Wizard not named Gilbert. Shirley follows suit. Detroit picks up that rebound and Mike Brown FLIPS OUT. He gets a T, Billups sinks them, and Rasheed goes to the line.

Detroit wins. Today's lesson: LeBron is only the next Michael Jordan if the last MJ was a choke artist and I missed it. Unless LeBron starts dropping triple-doubles and scoring 40 a night, I'm writing him off and waiting for Kevin Durant.

Final Score: Detroit Pistons 79, Cleveland Cavaliers 76. Series: Detroit 2, Cleveland 0. Looks like the state of Michigan has teamed up with the state of Florida to kick Ohio's ass this year.

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LIVEBLOG: Yanks-Sox

7:34- Yankees are already up 3-0. This is good. I guess. I don't really like the Red Sox and I am predisposed to teams that build dynasties and adapt accordingly to maintain their talent level (Spurs, Pats). But you know, A-Rod does play for the Yankees.

7:37- Bonnie Bernstein joins us. I'm constantly confused by what she actually looks like when not under ten layers of fur and leather with a big hat on and standing next to Bill Belicheck. She's very pretty, is wearing tasteful makeup and jewelry, and seems to know what she's talking about. She's sort of awkwardly standing behind a dugout, though.

7:43- Jason Giambi saga. My brother: "Wow. Coked." First of all, Jason is an idiot. That is clear to all, naturally. The fact that his failed amphetamine test magicall surfaced days after he called for an apology from MLB and anyone else involved with steroids, confirms what I believe about the current steroid policy: more people are failing them than MLB lets on. Like, Pujols, Papi, Clemens--none of them are going to officially fail drug tests. Doesn't mean they aren't. I'm not saying they are, either, but I don't feel like Bud Selig is doing a good job of informing me if they are.

7:48- Yankees score on a hit from Derek Jeter. Obviously.

7:53- Andy Pettite looks like the traditional Italian-American player who should be from the Bronx and playing for the Yankees. Instead, he's a creepy Houston native who started dating his wife when she was in eighth grade and he was a junior in high school. Wily Mo Pena's name confuses me quite a bit, especailly without the second L in his first name.

8:01- A-Rod's charming elbowing from last night. The summary of almost any story involving Alex is that he is a woman.

8:08- Mr. April himself comes up, hits a double. Whoever's announcing with Berman here breathlessly details each minute aspect of A-Rod's success.

8:10- "It's hard to imagine this Red Sox team really falling at any point this season." Yes, of course. Just like how the Celtics got one of those picks last night. Apparently, Beckett, Schilling and Papelbon staying healthy and Manny Ramirez eventually heating up are absolute certainties. Almost as certain as Durant and Oden's success in the NBA.

8:14- We shoot down to Double-A Trenton to watch Clemens strike out some little kids. Followed that up with one of those Liberty Mutual commercials where everybody's helping each other out that blatantly rip off Pay It Forward. Fortunately, the movie adaptation of that book sucked, so everybody's forgotten.

8:17- The behind the plate sponsor is...The History Channel? That's a bit heavy handed, Yankee Stadium, isn't it? Manny beats out a groundball to third base because Alex is still a woman, if you will.

8:20- Apparently, Kevin Youkilis killed a squirrel and glued it to his chin. Good Lord, it's times like these I regret HDTV. He grounds into a double play after Cano makes a nice play on a hard hit groundball. Jeter holds up on Lowell's groundball to the 5-6 hole. He tosses it around a bit and grits his teeth so we all know he's upset.

8:24- "Walk It Out" plays over the Yankee Stadium speakers, proof that once you hear that song it will haunt you all day long, everyday with little "Now, walk it out, walk it out, walk it out"s ringing in your ears, until you play it again and again. It rivals "Edelweiss" in catchiness. Mientkiewicz hits a homerun off of Schill, 6-0 NY through 4.

8:35- Christ, Bobby Abreu throws up an arm like he's some Victorian woman out on a stroll, shielding herself from a rogue polo ball. He cusses in Spanish and now Boston has two on with no outs. Fortunately, Julio Lugo is there to line out to Andy who tosses it over to Cano on second to double off Pena. Oh, Wily Mo.

8:39- Coco Crisp pops (and snaps! and crackles!) out to A-Rod to end the inning. PIRATES COMMERCIAL! DUH! DUH! Dun-dun-dunna! I mean, I hated the last one, but, you know, I have high hopes for Friday. As long as there aren't long stretches of Orlando "Thanks, but I'd really rather watch paint dry" Bloom by himself on camera.

8:49- I still don't understand the facial hair that David Ortiz and Wily Mo have going on. It's like somebody cut out a chunk of the beard. Dude, I like Bonnie Bernstein. She gets all upset because she didn't get to call Manny's off the wall double a home run with a "back, back, back" and concludes her little sidebar on the Yankees' starting rotation with a really, really quick "back, back, back." Seriously, can we replace Joe Morgan with her? I'd pretty much be willing to take anyone other than Morgan, but still.

8:56- Orel Hershiser is rocking some Reagan Hair. I highly approve. He and Steve Phillips are wearing the same mint green shirt, though. With Berman's pink shirt, they all look like they're going to step into a Vineyard Vines ad or something. Lowell (who I totally thought was a steroid beneficiary after that slump year with Florida before they dumped him into the Beckett deal) drives Manny in, 6-1 Yanks.

9:23- Back from a shower to find a Baby Ruth commercial. Ew, that killed my feeling of cleanliness. Anyway, it's still 6-1, now in the bottom of the seventh. Jeter hits an absolutely dirty triple to the wall. And we shoot to the stands where three women in Yankees hats sitting one behind the other are all texting. Probably something about how they're getting ready to toss their panties at Jeter.

9:29- Orel discusses the ways "all those little voices crop up." Hmm. I wonder if voices contributed to Orel's parents naming him Orel. Morphine, perhaps? Donnelly (who's come in to pitch for Schill) has got some super hot rec-specs on. A-Rod's batting song is "This Is Why I'm Hot" which is so unsurprising it's almost shocking. He hits a very, very long fly ball that scores Jeter. 7-2 Yanks.

9:39- Coco Crisp blasts one off of Kyle Farnsworth. This is exactly why Clemens gets to do whatever the hell he wants, Kyle, because he doesn't let that happen. He walks Ortiz. NICE ONE, KYLE.

9:45- The Nats are winning! That happens so rarely. It also happens rarely that we actually get to see these games because Peter Angelos sued, like, God and decided that we in Northern Virginia can only watch the Orioles. KYLE. A BALK? KYLE, KYLE, KYLE. And then he lets Youkilis drive in Ortiz. Kyle, you sucked in Atlanta and you suck in New York. They get out of it with a pop up to Jeter.

9:50- I really don't like that ad where the piece of gum is singing opera. Giambi grounds out; he's the only Yankee without a hit. Mientkiewicz smokes a double to right. Damon brings him in 8-3, Yanks.

10:03- Mariano Rivera gives up a double down the line to Wily Mo. Mariano strikes out Pedroia and Lugo looking. Lugo gets all huffy about it and wags his finger from the dugout. Coco is neither classy nor fabulous and strikes out to end the game.

Final Score: Yankees 8, Red Sox 3.

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Big NBA Day

Some random thoughts during the fourth quarter of Game 2 of the Jazz-Spurs series:

I still cannot understand how the NBA decided to pick David Blaine as the pitch man for the NBA playoffs. The little rip-off commericals with Jeremy Piven of the too awesome for words Don Cheadle NFL playoff commercials from a few years ago are bad enough. ("The small Canadian man may look like he's auditioning for a Dockers commerical until he beats you off the dribble and goes inside"? Uggghh. I would be frightened if Steve Nash ever made it into a Dockers commerical, and you know what? Entourage sucks. It really does. It's boring, Jeremy. And I don't like the way these commercials are being filmed or the way you're so greasy and smug.)

But David Blaine? DAVID BLAINE? He is the MOST BORINGLY SKETCHY/SKETCHILY BORING person in THIS COUNTRY. Nay, the world! The ads kind of scare me. Especially the one where he has the dolphins talking to each other. I feel dumber just having listened to it. I want to watch basketball, not feel somewhat violated by a "magician" who doesn't blink.

Wilbon said it best the other day in the Post: when has an NBA team worthy of the word "dynasty" being attached to their name, had their biggest star be an actress? Wilbon and Simmons have both written in the past two weeks on how wildly underrated Tim Duncan is and just how good the Spurs are. I mean, I like the Spurs. But seriously. They have a French point guard, Tim Duncan--the best and dorkiest player in the league, a really tall soccer player from Argentina (more on that in a sec), and a lot of role players ranging from Big Shot Rob to Bruce "Chippy" Bowen.

A word on tattoos: I am fascinated by Tim Duncan's back shoulder tattoo. I often find myself wondering what it is, how he decided he needed a tattoo, what he says about it. Carlos Boozer has some good tattoos. He's also wearing good sneekers and is hot in a sort of vaguely threatening way.

Kirilenko and Ginobli go head to head in the international flopping olympics. This is why we really don't need soccer in this country (though I wish we did), because, now, we have faster paced soccer with more scoring and tattoos. AK hooks Ginobli. AK's faux-hawk it probably beating the old bald spot, which is also fasicnating like Tim's tattoo.

Okay, here in minutes 4 to 2 in the fourth, there have been a ridiculous amount of turnovers, poor shooting, and dumb fouls.

Dear. God. Sprite. What. The. Hell. "Sublymonal" advertising...I really don't understand. I mean, I can say that at least it's not dorky like the Gatorade Rain ad where Peyton Manning grows out of a football. Haaaate. Anyway, I don't get the weirdness of the ads. And how LeBron James got mixed up in this acid trip. Seriously, when I think of Sprite, I used to think of a crisp, refreshing, caffeine-free alternative to Cola which always liked less than 7-Up. Now, I think of alarming, technicolor animals prancing around with strange painting and electrucution. Compare that with the all-natural campaign 7-Up's been running. It's like they saw the wholesome, funny ads and were like, "Oh, hell, whatever. Where's that INSANE intern with the Mac we fired last month? Get him in here." And we're back and ESPN is doing the "brought to you by" bit: "SPRITE. Sublymonal advertising. Thank you. And obey." You're not welcome. I said no thank you, sir.

Matt Harping sort of looks like Matt Damon. Manu Ginobli looks quite a bit like one of the brothers who own this Italian restaurant we go to a lot. Good point to mention: Mehmet Okur is this year's winning entry in the Least Likely Name for a White Person Annual Competition. I realize he's foreign, but still.

Utah has the third best record at home. This is not surprising. It must be rather alarming to play there. I've never seen so many white people, wearing baby blue in my life. Thank god they didn't go the Miami route and force white shirts upon people--thus giving the entire stadium a white zombie-ish vibe.

"Poppovich and his star talking there; they have a special relationship. The only coach Duncan has ever had." Cut to a fantastic shot of Poppovich's back as he stands over a sitting Duncan. Nice job, guys. Michelle Tafoya must be a giantess, or on a platform, or in some hooker's pumps. She comes up to Duncan's shoulder. He's 7 feet. That makes her...almost six feet tall? Damn.

They keep replaying the last few picks from the lottery. I watched that tonight after eagerly anticipating it all day. My least favorite part: when they introduced the rep for one team, who was a COO but ESPN's host or whatever announced that this seemingly harmless man had been with the Wizards when they drafted Kwame Brown number one. CAN'T GET AWAY FROM THAT ONE, CAN WE? What was that, ESPN, punishment? Do you hate us, ESPN? Kevin Durant said it himself, he never really had a team growing up because he grew up here, and if we're being honest with ourselves we all kind of denied that we even had a basketball team except when MJ first came back and then Gil finally brought us back some glory. I apologize; I mispoke. "Back" implies that the Bullets/Wizards were at one point good. That would be false.

Also, bad: the Celtics. Sad, sad day for them. They are God-awful and needed a top two pick. It feels likely that they'll make an ill-advised decision like drafting Yi Jianlin. This seems likely. Unless Chicago moves up for him...I feel like Joakim Noah is a good choice for them. Plus, I'd love to see him with an already good team.

Anyway, The Good: Memphis not getting a top three pick. I would have seriously cried if they had gotten Oden or Durant. The Bulls getting the Knicks pick. The expressions of Brandon Roy and that guy from the Sonics after Dominique Wilkins and Atlanta got the third pick (I am positive that they will not use it to draft Conley. That would make way too much sense. They may pick up Acie Law, though). They were visibly like "HEE. WINNER. WINNER. WINNER. HEE." So, anyway, Portland and Seattle. A fine day for the Pacific Northwest, I guess.

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LIVE BLOG: The Vagina Monologues

Running commentary as it appeared in the Vanderbilt Torch (Feb. 2006)

7:00- Here we are Valentine’s Day at the Vagina Monologues. Cue up the Monty Python “and there was much rejoicing.”

7:06- It was supposed to start at seven. We all look at our phones, and then at our tickets, and then back at our phones.

7:11- Well, we’re just sitting here, my friends and I. Yes, I have friends. We’re just a bunch of classy girls seeing the Vagina Monologues on Valentine’s Day.

7:12- No, it’s not like that! We love Valentine’s Day! Just a scheduling convenience! Lots of long-distance relationships! Boys, boys, boys!

7:19- A girl comes out on the stage to say: “Is there a dentist in the house?” Huh? At first I think she says Dennis. I’m like, girl, please. The male population in here is Grins on a Tuesday night.

7:26- “I’m Reagan Bush, the director of ‘The Vagina Monologues.’” I don’t think anyone, ever, thought they would hear Reagan, Bush, and vagina in the same non-derogatory sentence.

7:38- Music. A man sings: “They call that thing VAGINA.” Oh. Oh, well. Huh. Well.

7:39- Three women, in all black, enter silhouetted. I doubt that they were going for Spirit Fingers a la Bring It On, but that’s what they got.

7:41- Over 200 women were interviewed about their vaginas. Thank God I wasn’t one of them. No, seriously, y’all. Bless.

7:43- Apparently, women secretly love to talk about their vaginas. I don’t.

7:48- Skinny models set to “Sandstorm!” Now, anorexia and body image issues are very serious problems for so many girls. It’s tragic. It really is. Models, however, are not born into Marc Jacobs’s harem or anything. That’s a decision they’re making, Madrid. And, for that matter, isn’t there something more important going on in Spain than models? No? Okay, then.

7:49- A headline is posted diagonally about the dying models, and everyone’s head in the row in front of me tilts sideways to read it. I giggle.

7:50- Rendition of “What would your vagina wear?” The general consensus is that it would dress like a kindergartner playing dress up—“emeralds,” “a pink boa,” “pearls.” A girl screams “ANGORA.”

7:53- “Cotton.” They should tie this into that whole “The Fabric of Our Lives” campaign.

7:54- “What would your vagina say if it could talk?” I know: ‘Kitty, what the hell are you doing thinking about what your hoo hoo would say? Get back to work, woman.’

7:56- There’s an ‘old woman’ on stage. Apparently, she’s never had a vagina interview. Life goals: be able to say those words at age 75. The monologue is well-acted and sad.

8:05- “My vagina is a pink shell.” Just don’t give away your pearl. Ba da dum.

8:06- Vagina workshop? The hell? I don’t have a lot of patience for anyone who a) wants to sit on the floor staring at any body part, especially one that you need a mirror to see, and b) has the time to do so.

8:23- Okay, so a woman tells a story about how she basically always thought she was ugly until she met Bob. This is all fine and acceptable, almost lovely even, until we got to the part when Bob stared at her naked for AN HOUR. Um, that’s weird. Way, way weird. Just no.

8:25- “What’s a period?” “It goes at the end of a sentence.” Oh man. That’s the sort of wit I like to hear.

8:27- “My friend Marsha’s family celebrated when she got her period and had a dinner.” Poor Marsha. She finally got what was coming to her after all those years overshadowing Jan—a 7th Heaven storyline. If you never saw that episode…uh, neither did I.

8:31- There are 130 million women who have suffered genital mutilation. It’s atrocious.

8:34- “Imagine…Imagine…Imagine.” Imagine I’m doing something productive, or even something unproductive, like listening to John Lennon, instead of being here.

8:37- There’s some discussion about how appalling conditions were under the Taliban in Afghanistan. What is it that thing they say about war? Something about destroying fascism. Also, there was a 7th Heaven episode about burqas. So I’ve heard.

8:38- “My vagina is angry.” The gynecologist monologue is actually hilarious. And it features a Nancy Drew joke. I love Nancy Drew jokes.

8:46- Intermission. Faced with the prospect of this only being the halfway point, I send the following text: “I feel like I need a reward. Like ice cream.”

9:06- And we’re back! With ethnic cleansing in Bosnia. Alas.

9:09- Vaginas are described as autumn songs, blonde wheat, and in other folksy, flowery language. I realize that they’ve been describing things like this all night. I describe NOTHING like this. Ever.

9:17- There’s a story wherein the statutory rape of a sixteen year-old girl by a 24 year-old woman is portrayed as an awakening experience. I just love being here.

9:24- “My short skirt is not a provocation…” Okay, sure, it’s all about the ideas and your body being your own. Wonderful. But let’s be tasteful, shall we. Also, just consider that perhaps your perception differs from the perception of that man in the dark alley before we walk down it.

9:27- “San Francisco is just its own vagina zone.” Confirmed East Coast girl, here.

9:28- A charming little acrostic poem set to song. What is it about, you say? Oh, the word ‘cunt.’ Nat King Cole must be actually spinning in his grave right now.

9:29- Everyone is now screaming “CUNT.” I distract myself by sending the following text: “Kill me now.”

9:33- The lesbian prostitute monologue. While it is not necessarily my brand of humor, it is fabulously acted and features some very funny jokes.

9:46- Okay. This business about the miracle of live birth is horrifying. In fact, my reaction to a live birth video in ninth grade was “Oh my, what a wretched process. Simply dreadful. I resolve that I shall never be with child. In fact, I shall never partake in sex. Alas,” which translated roughly into “AHHHH.”

10:00- How do you feel the pain, suffering, despair of the people, the victims of conflict, violence, and war? THEATER. That’s how.

More than three hours after the show was supposed to begin, I trudged out of Sarratt Cinema, faced with the prospect of writing this article and wanting to watch The Sound of Music and Pride & Prejudice. The Vagina Monologues was not what I expected. There are elements of it that cannot and should not be criticized. Informing people about the atrocities committed against women worldwide, and taking a strong stance against those actions, is never wrong. Nor is recognizing and exercising free speech. Those two things are great. But, in the words of my friend, “I don’t even want to hear the word vagina again.”

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