KCC III: The Good Stuff

If there's one Chesney song I never liked from the first time I heard it until yesterday when I was driving, taking a sip of Diet Coke, which I nearly spit out in my ill-advised, frantic attempt to change the station while turning, it's this one.

"Well, me and my lady had our first big fight
So I drove around until I saw the neon lights
At a corner bar.
It just seemed right, so I pulled up."

There's something irritating about "my lady;" it just feels like it's either the precursor to "my old lady" or he's married to Guinevere. And, neon lights? When I think "neon lights" I think "EXXXCELLENT EXXXCITEMENT" or, perhaps, a homage to the billboards of South Carolina "TOPLESS! TOPLESS!" Similarly, why does this corner bar "just [seem] right"? Presumably our protagonist is out searching, driving actually, to go find liquor. Does the rightness really matter? In the quest of getting shnockered and driving to go do so, most people are just looking for the first dive with a tap. Corner bar? Sure. ABC Liquor? Done. Hard lemonade stand? Whatever gets the job done.


"Not a soul around but the old barkeep
Down at the end lookin' half asleep.
And he walked up and and said,
'What'll it be?' I said, 'The good stuff.'"

"The Good Stuff" is so smug, so patronizing. The Good Stuff is what that one sort of mousy aunt's husband says, the one who gives everybody nicknames, wears way too much cologne, and regales you with stories of his golden days playing baseball (which, later, passing an old yearbook, you can't even find him in the picture) and mispronouncing well-known Major Leaguers' last names. He sits there, watching another relative grill things, and then he calls Aunt Susan, who actually has a spine and half-yells with a smug grin "Hey, Suzy, would you get me another drink? You know some of the good stuff." And then you're pretty sure you saw Aunt Susan walk inside and spit in his drink. So anyway, our protagonist is that guy.

"He didn't reach around for the whiskey;
He didn't pour me a beer.
His blue eyes kinda went misty,
He said, 'You can't find that here.'"

He didn't "reach around," did he? Welcome to The Old Barkeep's Corner Bar showing of: The Kenny Chesney Homoerotic Subtext Strikes Back! Also, I'm pretty sure the proper response to "You can't find that here" is "Um, then where the hell can I find it? This is a bar, isn't it, old man?"

"'Cause it's the first long kiss on a second date.
Momma's all worried when you get home late
And droppin' the ring in the spaghetti plate,
'Cause your hands are shakin' so much."

There's nothing like a serious relationship with a man that still lives with his mother! Unless of course this is high school, which wouldn't surprise me, because every Chesney song seems to imply that minutes after graduation all women should be back in the kitchen, pregnant and barefoot. Or, hell, just graduate in the kitchen, pregnant and barefoot. Mmmm, spaghetti, probably goes good with a $6 bottle of wine.

"'And it's the way she looks with the rice in her hair.
Eating burnt suppers the whole first year,
And askin' for seconds to keep her from tearin' up.
Yeah, man, that's The Good Stuff."

Okay, seriously, a year of burnt dinners? Instead of shoveling down charred casserole, our misty-eyed barkeep might have suggested to Goodie Barkeep that if you cook something for too long, it will burn. One may think that getting the same blackened meals over and over might suggest to her to change her methods but then, John McCain's still in the presidential race, so perhaps not.

"He grabbed a carton of milk and poured a glass
And I smiled and said, "I'll have some of that."
We sat there and talked as an hour passed, like old friends."

I hope he grabbed that carton out of a refrigerated space. I also love, if by "love" I mean "loathe," the folksy turnabout: minutes ago, the protagonist was all "Double tequila. Damn it." Now, it's like "Well, GAWRSH, is there apple pie back there, mister?" But, if there's one thing Kenny enjoys, it's an almost bipolar change of opinion.

"I saw a black and white picture and he caught my stare.
It was a pretty girl with bouffant hair.
He said, 'That's my Bonnie,
Taken 'bout a year after we were wed.'"

Goodie Barkeep's name is, of course, Bonnie because even the old barkeeps have wives with Irish Catholic names. Especially old barkeeps, I guess. Anyway, between Bonnie, the bouffant hair, and this being a country song, I can't shake the mental image of Bonnie Raitt. Everytime I hear this song, I always expect the old barkeep to turn to the protagonist and say, with a twinkle in his misty-eyes, "Let's give 'em something to talk about, junior."

"He said, 'Spent five years in the bottle,
When the cancer took her from me.
But I've been sober three years now,
'Cause the one thing stronger than the whiskey'"

There is no better place for a recovering alcoholic quite like a bar! A BAR! B-A-R! What's next, meth addicts in a pharmacy? Ex-cokeheads at Lindsay Lohan's? The old barkeep did spend his years in a bottle like he was a tiny ship or a sappy love note from a Nicholas Sparks book, and...Jesus, A BAR? I'm sorry, it's just, a bar? Really?

"'Was the sight of her holdin' my baby girl.
The way she adored that string of pearls,
I gave her the day that our youngest boy, Earl,
Married his high school love.'"

I'm glad that Bonnie Barkeep got a prize for Earl (...nice name, kids) getting married. Notably, Earl married his high school love, which only further proves that true love is only found in the hallowed halls of ones high school. I am, evidently, doomed to the life of a spinster.

"'And it's a new t-shirt saying, "I'm a Grandpa!"
Being right there as our time got small,
And holding her hand when the good Lord called her up.
Yeah, man, that's the good stuff.'"

While "holding her hand when the good Lord called her up" certainly indicates a life well-lived, I can't really imagine that this should be lumped in with the rest, especially given the five years that followed inside that big ol' bottle.

"He said, 'When you get home, she'll start to cry.
When she says "I'm sorry" say "So am I"
And look into those eyes so deep in love,
And drink it up.'"

You better hope she starts to cry. I might revisit the specifics of said big fight--were other women involved, did you lose large sums of money, did you call her a whore, etc.--before returning home. She might be packing your belongings or loading your shotgun for all you know, champ. Hell, she could cry because you've come back, and she thought she finally got rid of you. Not all women are quite like Weepy Bonnie Barkeep. Also, please don't "drink it up;" that's borderline sketchy and horrendously cheesy.

"'Cause that's the good stuff.
That's the good stuff.'"

Ew, creepy uncle. Creepy, creepy uncle.