LIVEBLOG: Footloose Part I

Because I don't particuarly want to watch the game tonight, I've chosen, instead, to liveblog Footloose, probably my favorite eighties movie. Many have not seen it, which is sad, because seeing this movie will immediately improve the quality of your life. After watching it again for about the tenth time in the past two years, I have tried to do it justice tonight. Really, though, it's better to watch with a group of people, as witnessed a year ago in Myrtle Beach. Cannot be overstated how much this movie combines the two pillars of a great eighties movie: AWESOME and CHEESY. I will say, however, that Step Up has made it into the upper echelon of my favorite dance movies, along with Dirty Dancing (a mainstay) and Footloose (the sleeper), after replacing Save the Last Dance, which has become the poor man's Step Up- nowhere near as fun and way, way too much emotion baggage.

First, some left over thoughts from last night:

I feel like there's a gulag/One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich joke I could make everytime I see Kirilenko on screen. But really, he sort of looks like what happens when you cut the scarecrow down from the post. Like a big stick figure that's come to life or something. A Russian stick figure.

Mehmet Okur, at one point, tapped the ref on the shoulder as he walked off the court for a timeout, like he was going to see if, like, maybe the ref, like, you know, likes anybody? You know, like likes? Because, like, Mehmet was wondering, you know, like if the ref is, like, going to the dance with anybody?

Can we retire the phrase "coming out party"? I don't think any heterosexual man, especially a professional athlete, wants to have their success defined as a "coming out party."

Because I am slowly becoming Vanderbilt in human form, I bought some madras plaid shorts from J. Crew the other day. I realize just how conservative madras really is now. These shorts are comfortable, yes, but more importantly, like the J. Crew Chastity Shorts. There is a zipper, two thick clasps, a button, and a drawstring that must be tied because of its length. Just remember, if you plan on shimmying out of some shorts, don't go with the madras plaid.

Onto the incredibly underrated classic film, Footloose.

0:00:19- The opening credits feature about two dozen sets of feet in various ugly footwear from 1983 dancing about to the musical stylings of Kenny Loggins, who has not one but two songs in this film, one of which (the title song) plays about four times. My favorite shows? The second pair [cowboy boots and torn jeans] which look like they belong to someone attractive.

0:02:47- There's several establishment shots to demonstrate that this film's setting is the middle of nowhere. John Lithgow, who plays Reverend Shaw Moore, screams to his congregation that "GOD IS TESTING US" and how dancing and hot music sucks. Kevin Bacon looks exasperrated, and Sarah Jessica Parker- from across the congregation- is all "look hot boy, everybody, look at the hot new boy." Her friend rolls her eyes, and paints her nails.

0:04:57- Dianne Wiest (the future Manhattan DA of Law & Order fame) plays Mrs. Moore. She is known in this house as "The Creepy Wife in Footloose." Kevin Bacon's name is Ren. No, that's never explained. He's introduced as new from Chicago (He's a big city boy! Bad! Probably likes dancing and sex!) to the John Lithgow's daughter: Crazy Ariel, the girl who was painting her nails red during church. Bitch crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. SJ Parker and her friend giggle hysterically about three feet from Ren as he's introduced.

0:07:25- The girls hop in the blond girl's car and talk about sex in a manner that would never pass in a teen movie today. A truck pulls up behind them with guitar heavy music blaring: it's Chuck, who may be a bastard but sure is hot. Crazy Ariel yells out the window "You feelin' lonely tonight?" with a wink. They start racing, and the CRAZY comes out. Ariel grabs onto the window of his truck and starts climbing out, then stands up in the two windows and dancing around and wooping like a crazy person while an 18-wheeler starts coming the otherway. She makes it through. Shockingly.

0:09:36- Back at Bible Central, some jackass in a bowtie tells the reverend that there's a problem at the school where the English teacher is still planning to teach The Slaughterhouse Five. Big City Ren, of course, has read it and loved it. For those keeping score, Ren is a Vonnegut fan and briefly develops a Southern accent.

0:11:02- It's suddenly night. Hot Chuck and Crazy Ariel pull up at the unidentified local teen hang out. Crazy Ariel's friends run up and scream at her. Their names: Edna, Winnie Jo, and Rusty. Clearly, they are not in a position to be giving anyone a hard time about anything. Crazy Ariel jumps out of the truck with some smuggled tapes and turns The Magically Loud Boombox on. The least offensive song ever plays. The Magically Loud Boombox carries not only through the parking lot, and in the diner, but into the bathrooms, and a nearby phonebooth.

0:12:41- The Reverend shows up and turns off the music. Obviously. People stare vacantly at him, even indoors rooms away from the Magical Boombox. The Reverend walks off into the night.

0:14:12- Speaking of vacant staring, the entire school stares BC Ren down as he pulls into the parking lot. I don't understand why'd they care so much. If anything, they'd be staring at him because he's in a yellow VW bug, which is the most womanly car they could put a sort of elfin looking actor in. He immediately gets pushed around, until he meets Willard (Chris Penn, pre-fat days). Willard's friend, who we like to call Clark Kent, lurks in the background.

0:15:36- Rusty, foreshadowing her days as Carrie Bradshaw, tells BC Ren that his "tie is fabulous." BC Ren correctly remembers Crazy Ariel's name, which she acknowledges by nonchalantly saying "very good" in a mean voice that really means "soon, we will be hooking up."

0:17:38- BC Ren tells Willard a story about some hooker of a girl, named Ginger, that BC Ren danced with in a club, that is actually false but still funny. The point is: BC Ren loves to dance. Rusty, Willard, and Clark Kent match BC Ren's story and raise him the story behind why dancing is outlawed. Some kids were driving drunk, died, and the town blamed music and dancing.

0:21:23- Crazy Ariel apologizes to her father for the other night. This is entirely out of character with the rest of the film. He's kind of an ass about it, though, so maybe that's what shifts her into complete crazy mode.

0:23:23- BC Ren and Hot Chuck square off in the school parking lot after a near fender bender. See, the excitement! The daring! Hot Chuck: "Hey, what happened to your tie? I thought only pansies wore neckties." BC Ren: "And I thought only assholes used the word pansy." Hot Chuck, I'm afraid you're already fighting a losing battle, sir. Willard warns BC Ren about Hot Chuck.

0:24:42- After getting a job at a mill-type place and getting the traditional You're an Outsider, Boy speech, BC Ren looks up to find a leg wearing red boots and jeans. Crazy Ariel, in a hideous fringed leather jacket, tells BC Ren that BC Ren has been challenged by Hot Chuck to some sort of duel in one of the Cranstons' fields.

0:26:06- BC Ren is a gymnast. I don't think they could have picked anything gayer than that. Willard informs Crazy Ariel tries really hard to look tough, and that she's been around the block but is not really all that hardcore. He's wrong there. Really, really wrong.

0:26:47- Immediate cut to Ariel and a shirtless Hot Chuck who have clearly just had sex. "Been kissed a lot," my ass, Willard. They banter about her red boots and then exposits that she is going to college, damn it. She may not be Big City Ariel, but, as God is her witness, she will not be Small Town Ariel.

0:28:33- Hot Chuck and BC Ren PLAY TRACTOR CHICKEN! This scene also features: implied marijuana use by Hot Chuck, a shot of Crazy Ariel that makes her look horribly anorexic, amusing banter from Clark Kent, a really gay salmon sweatshirt that BC Ren wears, and the Magical Boombox playing Bonnie Taylor's "I Need a Hero." BC Ren drives horribly, tries to stop, gets his shoes caught, but wins out in the end, leaving Hot Chuck to bail out and swim.

0:32:02- Rusty gives Crazy Ariel the low down about BC Ren, managing to use the phrases "get your dogs barking" and "curl your toes" which were never again used in actual conversation.

0:33:23- Some kid with emo hair offers BC Ren a joint, which he refuses infront of a teacher with a porn 'stache, who then runs in and chases Emo Hair and Ren to the bathroom where BC Ren flushes the joint. Pornstache then, like, jumps on top of BC Ren and tells him that he's going to get him- extremely appropriate behavior from an educator. BC Ren then gets bitched out by his uncle, who's heard that there have been drugs at the school, and TRACTOR RACING. Ren leaves in fit of awesome.

0:35:54- Okay, everybody, get ready. First, BC Ren hops out of the car in a warehouse and is revealed to be both smoking and drinking a beer while driving. Excellent. He pops in a tape and jumps out the car to dance about the warehouse in skin-tight jeans and a wife beater. My favorite part, personally, is when he flips around on this wall with a heaving chest like a woman. Other part that's fun: when he swings on a large cable that may or may not be secure. Naturally, just as he's jumping on his car to dance some more, Crazy Ariel pops out from the shadows cheering.

0:38:50- Creepiest exchange ever recorded on film: Ren gets into his car and Crazy Ariel runs around to the other side and puts her head in the open window, asking with wide, wide eyes: "Do you want to kiss me?" His reply: "Someday." It's very uncomfortable. She wants to dwell on the awkwardness and gets in the car. He basically calls her a slut.

0:40:09- "Wanna see something?" You know, Crazy Ariel, that sounded like it was dirty, not some hollowed out railcar with poems and lyrics and junk written on the walls. Of course, the first thing she shows him is a dirty poem she wrote. Okay, Ariel, you get some points back. She gets a glint in her eye, as some would call it "insanity," as the train approaches. She jumps out on the tracks and stands and screams like a movie. BC Ren dives to push her out of the way. They lay around but do not kiss.

0:43:10- The Reverend catches his crazy daughter sneaking in. She wasn't drinking, having sex, or dancing. Tonight, anyway. But she was out with Ol' Big City Ren.

0:45:00- BC Ren's been kicked off the gymnastics team for keeping Crazy Ariel out too late. Some fools drive by and laugh at Ren for getting kicked off. This seems dumb to me; they'd totally be calling him a fag for being on the gymnastics team to begin with. Willard unknowingly gives Ren an idea. To get back at the Reverend, they're going to have a dance! Way to stick it to the man, Ren. The man, however, is lame, as he proves over and over again in some practiced I'm Too Good For You People...I Mean, God Loves Us speech to various church groups.

Tomorrow: the second half.