LiveBlog: NBA Draft 2007

7:09- I'm really terrified by Jay Bilas. He's so...chipper. And he does this thing with his voice where he keeps babbling until he's breathlessly panting into his mike and his voice goes really low and gutteral. He kind of sounds like Jim Nance X'd out.

7:39- Boston is sending the number five, Delonte West, Wally Sczerbiak, and Wally's contract to Seattle for Ray Allen. Somewhere, a leprechaun cries.

7:58- Boston picks Green for Seattle and his mother goes all vogue on us throwing her left hand in front of her face to weep like Stern just announced her son's impending execution. I realize how absolutely FILTHY the Sonics will be with Durant and Green.

8:02- Everyone gets nervous as Yi Jianlin might be drafted by Milwaulkee, resulting in a land war in Asia. Dude, China must be so pissed right now. They're totally texting India right now all "omg...i hate those bitches."

8:11- The Timberwolves pick Corey Brewer. I don't have much to say besides: GO GATO...AH. JESUS. Glenda Brewer is growing straw out of her head, has hooker blush on, and black eyeliner thick as tire treads. She needs to shave her head and try again. God. Take her away!

8:17- Rachel Nichols is down in Charlotte. She had a meeting with MJ the other day and "chatted with him," so I'd guess she's been down in Charlotte, if you know what I mean. She really needs to go out and buy a better flat iron. Charlotte picks Brandan Wright.

8:21- Three strikes against Brandan Wright: MJ hates kids who don't care (GODDAMN YOU, KWAME BROWN), he just challenged MJ, and he has braces. On his teeth, not his legs. That would definitely be a big downside.

8:24- Jo Noah's going to Chicago! GO GATORS. He's dressed like a preppy river boat captain. Speaking of white people, the Kings select Spencer Hawes. I think he'd be a better pick for the Bulls, but I guess they had enough of tall, awkward white guys after all those years with Luc Longley. Spencer has a lisp. Things will go well there.

9:07- Rodney Stuckey goes to the Pistons. His name seems like the title character in a dark British satire. I can't tell if these suits actually look really good or if in ten years, I'll be like "Lord, I can't believe I used to think that was attractive."

9:10- ALRIGHT. The WASHINGTON WIZARDS SELECT NICK YOUNG. Thanks, God. I mean, we actually need a damn center, but Young is super good; that's more than we can say about our other picks the last few years. Oh, ew. Nick has, like, country bumpkin teeth and sounds drunk. Wait, maybe we need to give him back.

9:15- Breaking news: Zach Randolph will immediately be picked up tomorrow with a basketball shaped rock of cocaine in the middle of Times Square.

9:18- New Jersey picks up Sean Williams. I thought he would have been drafted higher. Hmm? Hmmmmm? Sorry.

9:23- Golden State drafts Marco Belinelli, who, outside of Yi, is the most perfect player for them in the draft. He's dressed a bit like he works for the Russian mob, though. China to Italy: "go die."

9:29- The Lakers pick Javaris Crittenton. I feel like there are extra letters in his name. Unsurprisingly, Jim Gray is sitting on Mitch Kupchak's lap.

9:40- Philly drafts Daequan Cook. Daequan is going to Miami for Jason Smith. I guess Billy Knight and Billy King sold their souls to the devil this week for some common sense, two slurpees, and some free tickets to Live Free or Die Hard.

9:59- Yi doesn't want to go Wisconsin tomorrow. Shocker. US to China: "sup. were sorry about the draft. like rly sorry. wanna see die hard 4 2moro nite?"

10:20- The Pistons draft Aaron Afflalo. ESPN: "Must Improve: Athleticism." That sounds promising.

10:29- China to US: "i hate u all. i hope die hard sux."