Serious Solutions for a Very Serious Problem

I've worked out ten ways to both get the immigration bill passed and solve our immigration problems:

1. Avoid any and all close ups on John McCain and Ted Kennedy's faces.

2. Serve Coronas (with lime) during the Senate floor debate.

3. Send Angelina Jolie some fliers about the, you know, egregious atrocities and violations of the human spirit that these illegal immigrants suffer through silently or whatever. She'll adopt 'em.

4. Annex Mexico. After all, James K. Polk tried to do it and the eight people who know that he was president seem to like him. And after all, that's how we got the Mormons.

5. Speaking of the Mormons, send Donny Osmond down to the border. "Let's Get Down to BUSINESSSSSS. To Defeat. The HUNSSSSSSS."

6. Next, toss Donny in the Rio Grande. I hate the Osmonds.

7. Alternatively, blast Lil' Mama's "Lipgloss," Avril Lavigne's "Boyfriend," and the Lil' Mama remix of Avril Lavigne's "Boyfriend" on a constant loop at the border. This will ward away any illegal border activity. It will probably also extinguish all human life within a ten mile radius of the border.

8. House and employ the illegal immigrants at John Edwards's mansion.

9. Paris Hilton can and will be sent back to jail during the vote on the bill. Remind all amnesty-favorin', home-state-press-fearin' Republicans of this.

10. Blame Dick Cheney. For everything. Everybody else is doing it.

I think it will work because...MY LIP GLOSS IS POPPIN' MY LIP GLOSS IS COOL.