KCC II: There Goes My Life

The other night, I explored the frightening world of unnecessarily poor grammar. Tonight, I'm forging ahead to the saccharine musings on unplanned teen pregnancy of "There Goes My Life."

"All he could think about was I'm too young for this.
Got my whole life ahead.
Hell, I'm just a kid myself.
How am I gonna raise one?"

When you drag a good Catholic girl (Mary, Katie, Maggie, Lucy, and/or Annie) down to the river and don't keep enough room between you for the Holy Spirit, unplanned teenage pregnancy strikes. I enjoy the relativism here; it's completely acceptable that they had premarital sex, but God forbid any other option than Having the Damn Baby, Young Lady is mentioned. Our Young Protagonist does breach the subject indirectly, however, rhetorically pondering whether he is ready to have a dependent."All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke.
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast.
Oh well, those plans are long gone."

Let's closely examine the heartfelt aspirations of our young hero: to go prowl the coast, probably driving up and down a boardwalk with the windows down and a few sketchy jokers in the truck bed, looking for other Catholic girls to sleep with. Now, you have someone here who is lamenting this as a lost dream. I don't think this person is ready to have a child depending on their physical, emotional, and financial care. Buy, hey, with a little luck, everything could turn out alright, right?

"And he said,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life."

At this point, the sound of our strapping, virile protagonist's mother weeping from the kitchen can be heard in stereo. It sounds like hope tying a noose.

"A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator.
Oh yeah, he loves that little girl."

See, if you just give teenage pregnancy a chance, everything will work out in the end!

"Momma's waiting to tuck her in,
As she fumbles up those stairs.
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear.
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls."

Most importantly, however, our girl has birthed an Aryan child. The secret method to achieving idealized conceptions of beauty in procreation is unplanned teenage pregnancy. After all, Mary (the Virgin, not Kenny's woman in "Anything But Mine") was pretty surprised about the Christ child.

"He smiles
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you, daddy good-night.
There goes my life."

Oh, my, isn't it clever! Before, our young, reckless, premarital-sex-having protagonist hated the idea of children, but now he's a dreamy, responsible father. Too bad that this is aggressively cute and cloying.

"She had that Honda loaded down
With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express.
He checked the oil and slammed the hood, said you're good to go.
She hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast."

I know the fuel economy on Hondas is good because they're so light, but that must be one hell of an AmEx card to load down a car. I'd be checking more than the oil, is all I'm saying. I also have a high appreciation for the indiscriminate location she's heading to: the West Coast. Of course, Portland may as well be San Diego; they're all filled with Hollywood liberals and illegal immigrants wandering around, praying to their pagan gods for more abortions. Little do they know, however, that even if you're completely indifferent or openly hostile to the idea of a baby, having that child is always the answer for everyone, regardless of financial conditions.

"And he cried,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you.
Baby, good-bye.

There goes my life.
There goes my life.
Baby, good-bye."

Within the context of the song, these final verses fit. Isolated, however, they take on a tone seemingly appropriate for a suicide note. I imagine that the tone is similar to what you would think to yourself were this song on a loop and you were trapped somewhere.