More Serious Solutions for Serious Problems

My solutions for immigration worked so well, that I thought I would grace the world with 10 Ways to Solve the Iraq War:

1. Raid the drug stash of Al Gore III to provide migraine relief during floor debate.

2. Put together the Shi'a-Sunni Invitational Hosted by Tiger Woods in Baghdad. Golf seems to distract the hell out of everyone.

3. Throw a Harry Potter release party in Iraq. There's nothing ultra religious insurgents love more than tales of a boy wizard! Well, maybe not nothing.

4. To determine the withdrawal timetable, tape a calendar to Harry Reid's back and play "Pin the Tail on the Jackass."

5. Make everyone watch Aladdin. Yes, I know that it takes place in Saudi Arabia, an entirely different country (allegedly), but nothing gets the creativity flowing like Middle Eastern stereotypes as imagined by Disney.

6. Hire prostitutes as pages for the week. Apparently, there's a Congressman or two that could recommend some good ones.

7. Put the troops on the magical bus that took all the illegal immigrants back to Mexico last month. Oh, wait.

8. Promise a cage match between Madam Speaker and Cindy Sheehan on the House floor as an incentive for successful legislation. Do not forget to have medical professionals on call.

9. Distribute an edited version of Transformers entitled The Americans' New Weapons among insurgents in Iraq.

10. Tell John McCain to sit a few innings out, champ.