These Are My Demands

Dear China,

This about Yi Jianlian, isn't it? We said we were sorry about that. Holding my Mac Book Pro hostage in Shanghai is no solution, though.

We have serious weapons that you are not aware of, China.

We're breeding mutants. Mutants that can extinguish all human life. You may have heard of Paris Hilton, but we have legions more. As we speak, we are currently destroying those who dare cross our border with the sounds of Avril Lavigne and Lil Mama. We're not screwing around anymore.

You think Tiananmen Square was bad publicity? We can flood your airwaves with broadcast upon broadcast of "So You Think You Can Dance." And, really, what do you think we've been doing in Taiwan all these years? Beware the Plague of the Elmos as they fly across the Taiwan Strait, dancing before you, incessantly asking you to tickle them, and laughing in terrifying robotic squeals. You only bring it upon yourself, China.

Please, China, heed my warnings and put my Mac on the first Fed Ex plane out of there. Just remember, all it takes is one phone call, and Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, and Cindy Sheehan will be released upon you like a plague.

No Love,
Katherine