KCC V: Don't Blink

The next single off Kenny Chesney's new album is out, assaulting me somedays when I wake up to trot off to class (aside: best song to wake up to is most certainly "Firecracker" by Josh Turner..."pack of black cats in a red paper wrapper," indeed, sir). But, you know, apparently we're all just breathless to hear what Kenny Chesney believes is the philosophy behind the secret to life.

"I turned on the evening news
Saw a old man being interviewed
Turning a hundred and two today
Asked him what's the secret to life
He looked up from his old pipe
Laughed and said 'All I can say is' "

This is obviously the news segment that fell between "Moderately to Wildly Depressing Iraq Update" and "Vegetable/Animal/Mineral from Former Communist Country Kills Child." Just in case you don't comprehend that the one hundred and two year-old man is elderly, Kenny clarifies that he's an "old man" smoking an "old pipe." I also love that "Turning a Hundred and Two" may as well mean "Has the Ark of the Covenant in His Basement."

"Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap
And you wake up and you're twenty-five
And your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink"

Don't blink. That's the secret. It's damn impressive that Voldemort up there is still living after not blinking all these years. By the way, this means that our senior citizen went to sleep during WWI and woke up in the Great Depression. It's like the sadist's version of Rip Van Winkle.

"I was glued to my tv when it looked like he looked at me and said
'Best start putting first things first.'
'Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can't flip it over and start again
Take every breath God gives you for what it's worth"

It's contagious! You watch Emo Rip for two minutes and suddenly you can't close your eyes because they're stuck to the screen! It's also pretty clear that the protagonist here is drunk. How often do people in the television speak directly to you?

"Don't Blink
Just like that you're six years old and you take a nap
And you wake up and you're twenty-five
And your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink"

The waiting until twenty-five to marry a high school sweetheart indicates something besides a long nap, however. Sounds like somebody was incarcerated. Or somebody else was "dancing" a few too many "Charlestons" out past Sister Mary Margaret's curfew. Or, pardon, this is the South, so a few too many hot Carter Family...hoedowns (or "ho-downs" as the case may be). Regardless, even if it takes seven years to marry the girl you dated in high school, remember that it's the only place you'll find a good woman. You wouldn't want her becoming a Lady of a Certain Age.

"So I've been tryin' to slow it down
I've been tryin' to take it in
In this here today, gone tomorrow world we're livin' in"

Less blinking will technically allow you to take more in.

"Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old
And you take a nap
And you wake up and you're twenty-five
And your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your "better half"
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster then you think
So don't blink"

Mrs. Emo Rip went first, of course, because the women in Kenny Chesney songs will defy that damn life expectancy tom-foolery. This chorus is precisely the same as the other two, however, so the prevailing message is still: don't blink. Kenny just wanted to make it painfully clear that he's ripping off "One Hundred Years" by Five for Fighting. I just feel like there could have been a lot more options for lyrics in this so--wait, there's one more refrain...

"Naw, don't blink
Life Goes Faster Than You Think
Don't Blink..."

Now, don't blink
He'll put the X in your drink;
That's his kink...

...more words rhyme with "blink" than just "think," Kenny.